The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Ode to Camera

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Ode to Camera

    Post  Pat on Wed May 25, 2016 2:39 pm

    I have edited enough.  Now I need new eyes on this poem, so I can keep on editing. 

    Ode to Camera

    I slip it out of
    a gray hospital sock
    protecting it from other objects
    in my purse.  All I know is
    point and shoot, but
    part of me wonders
    how sensors capture what
    the eye sees, what the soul
    memorizes.  I kneel on
    knobby knees
    at the forest's edge and
    frame a blooming dogwood,
    spreading its white arms like
    a ballet dancer.
    Next winter
    the snapshots will breathe
    spring into me.
    For now, back into the sock.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Ode to Camera

    Post  Don C on Thu May 26, 2016 9:33 am




    Ode to Camera

    I slip it out
    of a gray hospital sock
    protecting it
    from other objects
    in my purse. 

    All I know is
    point and shoot,
    but part of me wonders
    how sensors capture
    what the eye sees,
    what the soul memorizes. 

    I kneel
    on knobby knees
    at the forest's edge
    and frame a blooming dogwood,
    spreading its white arms
    like a ballet dancer.

    Next winter
    the snapshots will breathe
    spring into me.

    For now,
    back into the sock.

    Nice poem, but I think
    line and strophe breaks
    improve the images and
    readability.
    Just some thoughts.
    Good luch
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    line breaks

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 26, 2016 9:44 am

    Pat

    I think Don has it--line breaks.  I had the first line of the poem ending with ". . . sock."  Whitmanesk

    Ode refers to the camera . . . no need for persona.

    The jump from "hospital" to forest was too much.  I vote for either setting.

    Karen

    Posts : 282
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Ode to Camera

    Post  Karen on Thu May 26, 2016 7:52 pm

    With the addition of line breaks, I'm satisfied with the poem.  I like the ending.

    Todd, I'm at odds with you.  I want the hospital as well as the forest.  In fact, I require it.

    I'm not sure I understand "no need for persona."  I'm not being argumentative, just ignorant.  Do you mean keep the first person out of the poem? 

    Some days it is painful to be undereducated.  What happens when you let 17-year-olds choose their majors.

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm changing the title.

    Post  Pat on Sat May 28, 2016 8:27 am

    Forget Ode. I don't think I'll be using that word again.  : )    I'm changing it to Camera, My Friend. 
    Appreciate all the input.   Reworking stanza breaks.
    Ended S 1 with sock.  I like that.
    Thanks, Don.  I see what you are saying.
    Everyone's input, always helpful.  Thank you. 
    Todd, I am also interested in your take on persona.  Feel free to teach us.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Ode To Camera

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun May 29, 2016 1:26 pm

    I like the new title better than the old.... and Don's breaks smooth the poem for me.  It is that blooming dogwood that stops me... are you talking about a dogwood in bloom?  Or a blooming dogwood?   I like an old gray sock better than hospital because hospital brings a smell to mind that interferes with the pristine sense I get at forest's edge.

    This poem is definitely a keeper.  Dewell
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    For example

    Post  tsukany on Sun May 29, 2016 6:01 pm

    Just for "re-seeing" the poem.  The persona is in the title "Ode to a Camera."  For me, an Ode is a song of honor to another, like a eulogy.  I am not suggesting this revision is better, it just allows a "re-seeing."  One said remove as much as one can and then put back only that which is necessary to carry the weight of the poem.  (I didn't work on lines or punctuation or capitalization.  Just an exercise)


    Ode to Camera

    slip it out of a gray hospital sock
    protecting the lense from other objects
    in a purse.  point and shoot--


    the wonders of sensors that capture
    what the eye sees, what the soul
    memorizes.  at the forest's edge,


    frame a dogwood,
    spreading its white arms
    like a ballet dancer.


    Next winter these snapshots
    will once again breathe spring.


    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thanks, Todd. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun May 29, 2016 6:55 pm

    I appreciate that you took the time to teach me.  Thank you.   It did help me "re-see."  Thank you.  Still blessing and messing with it.  : )

    Sponsored content

    Re: Ode to Camera

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Mon May 21, 2018 12:06 pm