The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Spring Action. Working on showing not telling.

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Spring Action. Working on showing not telling.

    Post  tsukany on Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:23 pm

    Spring Action

    Over the rush and roar
    of the heat pump and

    outside my bedroom window,
    I hear chirps. Nature’s ice-

    box opens early. Red-bursts
    against the orange slice of morn

    allude to the unresolved evening
    lightning. I prefer a crock pot,

    never quite boiling,
    and for everyone else,

    the microwave.

    --Sukany 22 Feb 2012

    dennis20
    Guest

    Re: Spring Action. Working on showing not telling.

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:25 pm

     

     

    Todd,  I had to read the poem two or three times to get where you were going.  Not necessarily a bad thing, but I was wanting to understand the picture while most people are either grabbed right away or just move on.  The poem would have drawn my interest quicker if it had started with "I heard chirps..." rather than "I" bringing up the rear. I think it would have utilized the conjunction "and" smoother. The hardest part was trying to grasp the "red-bursts" even though you told me what they were. All that being said, I liked the brevity, to the point, in and out quickly, that you used. I would read it again.  D

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Dewell SPRING...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:55 pm

    Seems to me you met your goal very well. I especially like the economy of words balanced with "show images"... The jump after unresolved lightning leaves me wanting some help to know I bridge comfortably in this spot. If I were trying to rewrite this poem I might put an additional image in there set off by commas. The ending serves well. A "keeper". Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Yea on showing!

    Post  Pat on Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:49 am

    I'm thinking you have an opportunity here for internal sounds: Chirps can be heard over. . . And it's about spring this and that, not about the heat pump, etc. Just jump into spring with the first word. : ) And then you do the shocking thing: you break icebox at the end of a line! I have only seen that done by Jane Kenyon. I think she broke bluebird. : ) I will never forget seeing that done. Okay. That's playful and very contemporary.

    I prefer slowness over fast. . . .well put in showing words. I'm wondering if the last line. You are saying what others prefer. Hmmmm. It pulls me away from nature. Spring is a microwave at times: a burst of color. I'd say what I prefer and what nature does. I don't think I'd include what others want. Todd, that takes me down another road.

    I like the poem. Title fits. Showing: good job! Pat

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