The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jun 21, 2016 5:14 pm

    Having trouble with ... Five suns have brought him forth
    and the three lines that follow.  It seems to get too objective
    and loses the theme of the newborn.  HELP!

    PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

    Sagebrush surrenders its dew
    To dawn's vapor.
    Rising Wyoming wind hurries,
    Tumbles down from the Rockies.

    Gray-green silence yields to
    Pronghorn munch.  Tiny
    Hoofs prance circles around
    Mother impatient to fly.

    Bullet-like on spring loaded
    Legs he speeds away straight
    As a die, stops abruptly, sniffs
    A Painted Lady, whirls around,

    Returns to mother at top speed,
    Bunts; 1,2,3 until milk flows free.
    Five suns have brought him forth
    To the top of this world where

    Freedom beckons and life calls
    Him to challenge the wind.
    Like an arrow he speeds away,
    Disappears into a draw.

    He shows nubbins and eyes above
    The grass, hesitates, spies the herd,
    Ducks down again, plays peek-a-boo,
    Tests permanence of his domain.

       -Dewell H. Byrd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

    Post  Don C on Thu Jun 23, 2016 5:18 pm

    Five suns have brought him forth
    To the top of this world where

    You might consider;
    Liberty stirs his soul
    and he longs to ride the wind.

    Just a suggestion.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

    Post  Karen on Fri Jun 24, 2016 6:20 am

    Dewell, you've painted the picture I want here.  Pronghorn munch ... straight as a die ... bunts; 1, 2, 3.  Good stuff.  Five suns nails down how fresh he is.  Edge of freedom?  The wind calls instead of life calls? 

    This one is really close.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Prairie Child Blooming

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 25, 2016 6:28 am

    Dewell, it sounds like it's all blooming and moving like life does.  The lines you mentioned:  I guess it's a challenge or liberty (as Don suggested.)  Which do you want us to focus on?  Both are present in a bird's life.  Hoofs:  I don't think I've ever encountered that word with birds.  Interesting.  Fourth lines of S 1 and 5 and 6,  I'd think it more present if you used:  Tumbling and Disappearing and Testing.  I stumbled over permanence.  I wonder if there's another word to capture it.  I like the painting here, the story.  I love the five suns.  We know his age. 
    Good work.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    So much material

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 25, 2016 7:30 am

    Dewell

    I had to read this several times.  There's so much happening.  

    I would look for ways of compression.  Is the poem about the setting or the pronghorn?  The mother or the offspring?

    Does the title work for each stanza?  The "five suns" is five days?  The speaker followed the boy for five days?  

    There's a pronoun shift when the newborn goes for a run.  I got lost there.

    Maybe you could try a paraphrase or short summary of what you want the poem to do and see what in this version needs to be compressed.

    It seems like the title could hold much of the information/setup of the first couple stanzas.

    Love to see this one's revision.

    Todd

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Home, Home on the range

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:52 am

    Dewell,  I like the view, smell, flora, and fauna.  I opt to forgo the first stanza.  It seems to cloud the poem. "Prairie Child Blooming" suggest animal, but the poem opens with flora then goes into animal life.  That first stanza might fit later, but I would like to see it open with the title in the drivers seat.  Else, change the title might be an option. I like the out in the wild setting for this one.  Would have to believe the writer had knowledge of country life. This might be one that could make two poems--one with animal and one with plant.  Keep thinking.  D

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    PRAIRIE CHILD BLOOMING

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:16 pm

    Some good ideas, Guys.  So I'm rewriting this poem starting with the young pronghorn antelope sniffing the wind... Just jumping right into action and letting the surroundings creep in if and where needed.  I think I've got a winner here thanks to your help even though sometimes I resent the abrupt way you tear into my sacred draft... Normal reaction?  Dewell

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