The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    What questions MUST be answered

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    What questions MUST be answered

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 24, 2016 12:57 pm

    What questions must be answered for this poem to work?


    Measuring the Finish


    White ibis, erect
    like yard flamingos,
    reflect on the surface
    of wetlands between
    the old construction
    on Bald Eagle Drive.  
    We all eye the role
    of predator.

    Todd Sukany -- 21 Jun 2016

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Measuring what?

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 25, 2016 6:01 am

    The finish?  This long legged bird, like most birds, is alert to predators, so I guess the finish is his end?  his win? his death?  his fight for life?  I like the image.  I understand erect and reflect.  Nice sound to that.  When you say between, I usually expect two things to follow:  between this and that.  I take it that eagles are their main predators???  We all eye the role of...  Hmmm. Thinking about the kill? The role of killing? the win? As you can tell, I'm fuzzy here.  Are we looking toward the sky for a predator? Do we think about ourselves as predators?  Our killing what's beautiful?  As you can see, I'm full of questions, but you presented big thoughts and big beauty.  Not sure I have anything helpful here, but you can see how I processed it.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: What questions MUST be answered

    Post  Karen on Sat Jun 25, 2016 11:32 am

    It works for me.

    But.

    I want something before the last 2 lines.  Not an explanation, but something.  Maybe I just want a line break.  Maybe I want a line break, then a couple more lines in the same tone as the last 2.

    The longer I read your work, the shorter my own poems become.  That has value to me.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Short Order

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:13 am

    Todd,  Great imagery!  With that said, It does leave me wanting a comparison.  Between what?
    Now, if you wish to keep it this tight, By that I mean, let us decide "between what," then by all means delete either "we" or "all." One of those words is unnecessary under the rules of tightness.  I am amazed at the imagery you put forth in so few words.  Dennis

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    What Questions must be...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:09 pm

    Perhaps the construction is a predator...  I as an observer am a predator... and the reflection.  I think several questions may be posed by the reader but none MUST be answered.
    (Ever notice how that big bird will extend one wing to create a shadow so it can see its prey better?)... Todd, I don't think I would mess with this poem.  Just let it stand as is.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks to all

    Post  tsukany on Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:28 am

    Dewell et. al

    I believe every comment stings.  The beauty is that you are responding as critical readers, expressing the places of interest to your read.  In published works, we say the same but expect no changes.  I wish every poem of mine worked, without revision.  However, I am no Langston Hughes.  Your comments are pushing me in his direction though.  Smile   Sometimes I feel like "a raisin in the sun."  I bless you all and am grateful for the pain.



    Measuring the Finish

    White ibis, erect
    like yard flamingos,
    reflect on the surface

    of wetlands between
    the old construction
    on Bald Eagle Drive.  

    All eye the role
    of predator.

    Todd Sukany -- 21 Jun 2016

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Was he leaning on a shovel?

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:07 am

    Todd L. Tsukany--"L" is for Langston.  Pain a moment, pleasure eternity.  I went back and read both versions. I noticed something with the last version that leapt from the page. "The role of the predator."  It wasn't visible when you used "we all."  I think I stumbled at "we all" and I didn't see the predator character in the picture.  Even with the extended version, this poem is not a tiresome read. Good. D

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