What questions MUST be answered

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What questions MUST be answered

Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 24, 2016 12:57 pm

What questions must be answered for this poem to work?


Measuring the Finish


White ibis, erect
like yard flamingos,
reflect on the surface
of wetlands between
the old construction
on Bald Eagle Drive.  
We all eye the role
of predator.

Todd Sukany -- 21 Jun 2016
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Measuring what?

Post  Pat on Sat Jun 25, 2016 6:01 am

The finish?  This long legged bird, like most birds, is alert to predators, so I guess the finish is his end?  his win? his death?  his fight for life?  I like the image.  I understand erect and reflect.  Nice sound to that.  When you say between, I usually expect two things to follow:  between this and that.  I take it that eagles are their main predators???  We all eye the role of...  Hmmm. Thinking about the kill? The role of killing? the win? As you can tell, I'm fuzzy here.  Are we looking toward the sky for a predator? Do we think about ourselves as predators?  Our killing what's beautiful?  As you can see, I'm full of questions, but you presented big thoughts and big beauty.  Not sure I have anything helpful here, but you can see how I processed it.

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Re: What questions MUST be answered

Post  Karen on Sat Jun 25, 2016 11:32 am

It works for me.

But.

I want something before the last 2 lines.  Not an explanation, but something.  Maybe I just want a line break.  Maybe I want a line break, then a couple more lines in the same tone as the last 2.

The longer I read your work, the shorter my own poems become.  That has value to me.
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Short Order

Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:13 am

Todd,  Great imagery!  With that said, It does leave me wanting a comparison.  Between what?
Now, if you wish to keep it this tight, By that I mean, let us decide "between what," then by all means delete either "we" or "all." One of those words is unnecessary under the rules of tightness.  I am amazed at the imagery you put forth in so few words.  Dennis

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What Questions must be...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:09 pm

Perhaps the construction is a predator...  I as an observer am a predator... and the reflection.  I think several questions may be posed by the reader but none MUST be answered.
(Ever notice how that big bird will extend one wing to create a shadow so it can see its prey better?)... Todd, I don't think I would mess with this poem.  Just let it stand as is.  Dewell

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Thanks to all

Post  tsukany on Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:28 am

Dewell et. al

I believe every comment stings.  The beauty is that you are responding as critical readers, expressing the places of interest to your read.  In published works, we say the same but expect no changes.  I wish every poem of mine worked, without revision.  However, I am no Langston Hughes.  Your comments are pushing me in his direction though.  Smile   Sometimes I feel like "a raisin in the sun."  I bless you all and am grateful for the pain.



Measuring the Finish

White ibis, erect
like yard flamingos,
reflect on the surface

of wetlands between
the old construction
on Bald Eagle Drive.  

All eye the role
of predator.

Todd Sukany -- 21 Jun 2016
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tsukany

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Was he leaning on a shovel?

Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:07 am

Todd L. Tsukany--"L" is for Langston.  Pain a moment, pleasure eternity.  I went back and read both versions. I noticed something with the last version that leapt from the page. "The role of the predator."  It wasn't visible when you used "we all."  I think I stumbled at "we all" and I didn't see the predator character in the picture.  Even with the extended version, this poem is not a tiresome read. Good. D

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