The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Lunch with Simone

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Lunch with Simone

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 25, 2016 5:28 am

    Lunch with Simone

    It doesn't matter what we order.
    The talk is what counts---
    a network of soft smiles, a sigh,
    raised eyebrows.

    The waiter wearing a nose ring
    reads the table, notes the tone.
    Sensitive, he edges in, offering
    another tea bag.

    After the sun crosses overhead,
    we get down to it, whatever
    needs love and prayer.
    Even the wind kneels.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    not much to say

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 25, 2016 7:32 am

    Pat 

    This one seems pretty tight.  Only "weed" I found was to consider making "sigh" plural.

    Thanks for sharing

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Lunch with Simone

    Post  Karen on Sat Jun 25, 2016 10:36 am

    I had an interesting experience with this poem.  Clicking around too quickly, I thought Todd was the poet, not Pat.  I like the poem.

    Huh?  Pat?  How did I miss that?  I like the poem.  My picture of the table changed, but not the poem.  Not at all. 

    That told me my appreciation of the poem wasn't colored by how I know Pat, how I know Todd.  The poem took me to the table either way.

    I agree with Todd, it's tight.  But I like the singular "sigh".  Yes, there's a sigh, but more solving than sighing goes on at a lunch with Simone.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    A sneeze, a sigh, a chicken thigh

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:27 am

    Pat,  Very  good and I peeked at what the others said and I agree, it is tight.  Todd is rubbing off on all of us I think.  That is a good thing, but don't tell Todd I bragged on him. 

    Okay, the thing I might suggest is change two words in the second stanza.  Change "wearing" to wears and change "offering" to offers.  That seems more consistant with the verbs you use.  Okay, I go along with "sighs" since you used plurals with smiles and eyebrows.  Funny, as I read it I said "eyebrowals," which is what I grew up thinking the word was.  Good poem.  D

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    LUNCH WITH SIMONE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 26, 2016 4:56 pm

    Pat,  I agree with those guys, kinda.  I wanted the poem to go on and on at least until you two walked out into the open and felt the wind kneeling down.  How about a hug.  Dewell

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Lunch with Simone

    Post  Don C on Mon Jun 27, 2016 2:32 pm

    Pat,
    I agree with Todd. One sigh among a network of smiles and eyebrows  seems a little strange.
    Also in the last strophe, I would move whatever to the next line.

    Good work.

    Don

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