Does this need the last stanza? Any other thoughts?

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Does this need the last stanza? Any other thoughts?

Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:17 am

Sorry I am late.  I had good intentions...

Morning Vapor

In mauve, morning light
mallards are a waving mist,
necks and feet extended
as cupped wings swish
against fog in swamp-lush.
 
They are souls in damp chill
escaping to an eternal space
as if called by an eerie whisper
of something--someone greater,
to a prepared place.
 
As they settle, a quick honk,
a quiet cluck, wraps and laps
water against stick-figure timber,
their solace in an Arkansas December.

Dennis 20
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Re: Does this need the last stanza? Any other thoughts?

Post  Karen on Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:18 am

I vote sayonara to the final stanza.  Swamp-lush threw me at first, but it's growing on me.  A lot.  It's not my barbershop, but I gave the poem a haircut anyway.  The images are spot-on, but the connective tissue is getting in my way.  I realize this has more to do with my style than yours, but I took hold of it anyway.

... Swamp-lush is growing on me ... not the picture I intended.  I'm cracking myself up in a rather embarrassing way now.  Sorry.

Morning Vapor

In mauve morning light,
mallards a waving mist.
Necks and feet extended.
Cupped wings swish
against fog in swamp-lush.
 
Souls in damp chill
escaping to an eternal space.
Called by an eerie whisper
of something greater
to a prepared place.

Karen

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Title

Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:35 pm

Dennis

I think the title is wrong.  The poem strikes me as a duck description.  I wonder if the title can help draw together some of the mysticism.

I wonder if the title can jump from "in an Arkansas December" and the last word of the poem be "solace."
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Title did not stay with me.

Post  Pat on Sun Jun 26, 2016 2:17 pm

I forgot it by the end of the poem.  (I'd change it.)  I found Karen's rendition easier to read.  Her first line:  the commas (lost and found) are better.  Understandable when you get to line 2.  Do you need Arkansas?  I'd dump that and go for a universal experience.  I don't think you need the last 4 words at all.  I like swamp-lush.  I can image it.  If you go with Karen's 2nd stanza, you need a comma at the end of the line with chill, standing for a "to be" word. (Same for your 2nd stanza.)  I wonder how it would work if you dropped the last stanza and made the last line:  to a place of solace.  I do like it when a poem ends with a noun.  I can picture it.

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Does this need...?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 26, 2016 4:44 pm

Pat,   In your rewrite and honing please don't lose your "settling" image.  It is so very clear and people usually miss that event... it is like tucking the covers in winter.  I suggest dropping Arkansas, giving more detail to the mystical element and ending with solace.  Karen's version squeezes some good flavor out of the poem for my taste.  I do like the detail and connective tissue in the original version.  Good luck.  Dewell

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DOES THIS NEED...?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 26, 2016 4:48 pm

Sorry, Dennis... I used Pat's name instead of yours in my review.  Some things defy explanation.  Dewell

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The water was cold and I had a hole in my wader

Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Jun 28, 2016 10:45 am

Thanks to all for thoughts.  I missed my intended picture. (about like my shooting at ducks) lol
I used words like morning light, waving mist, fog, swish, damp chill, eerie whisper -- as a way to carry on the title picture of Morning Vapor. Maybe you have to be there to get the melting away of the ducks or the way they mysteriously blend into the scenery when they swoop in for a landing.  You wouldn't be half-asleep when the cold morning or (heaven forbid) the water splash you during duck season. 

I do appreciate the suggestions and see a more concise picture without the last stanza.  For what I was thinking I don't know if the title change would leave the same picture.

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