The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    On the Edge of a National Forest

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    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    On the Edge of a National Forest

    Post  Pat on Wed Jul 27, 2016 4:37 am

    This was long and unwieldy, but it may still need a cutting.  Trying to write this on two levels.
     



    On the Edge of a National Forest
     
    The hour was late.  A weighty woman
    knocked at locked church doors.
    Nervous and chatty, she told the man
    keeping a hand on the vacuum about

    being dead tired and lost. A shadowy

    figure stayed inside the car.
     
    According to the chirpy one,
    they had followed a pretty road
    outlined by tall pines.
    Now, fifteen miles deep in the forest,
    they realized the sun, almost spent,
    would soon go out.   No map, no moon,
    and no desire to go back over

    the same curvy, mountainous road
    in unbidden darkness.  
     
    A lull, a hallowed moment.
     
    In the land of whispering trees,
    she asked for help. He handed her
    a hand-drawn map and gave her
    a blessing. 
     
    This is a miracle, she said, but
    I’m not sure when it happened.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Energy

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:02 am

    Pat

    The energy for me is in the description of the "no" energy of stanza two.  I really like that section. 

    The first stanza seems like background information that can be mightily compressed in the title and first line.

    I would rethink all information after "in unbidden darkness."  (what belongs to this poem?)

    There are words of mystery and suspense in the poem that are not being exploited (seems like the poet wants to report the event but the poem is about a couple traveling together and the dark one in the car)

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Edge of the foresst

    Post  Don C on Sat Jul 30, 2016 12:06 pm

    Title is approproiate and the pome flows well. I like your ending.

    Don

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    On The Edge Of...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jul 30, 2016 4:12 pm

    I like the story... lots of mystery... tell me more about the shadowy figure in the car or delete him... I get the lull part but hallowed doesn't seem to fit...also, land of whispering pines is rather hack-kneed, don't you think?  I like the title because it stages the story... the end lines confuse me.  I guess the poem just needs tightening up.  Interesting format... I must try it sometime.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: On the Edge of a National Forest

    Post  Karen on Sat Jul 30, 2016 5:07 pm

    I know the poem is about the miracle of the map, but I have followed Todd's lead and experimented with ending after "unbidden darkness."

    Forgive me, Pat.  I have killed your darling AND given it a radical haircut.  I'm not suggesting this as the final poem, just trying on a different look:

    EDGE OF THE FOREST

    Late.
    A weight of woman
    knocks at locked
    church door,

    dead tired and lost.
    A shadowy

    figure in the car.

    They followed
    pretty road
    and now the sun,
    near spent,
    would soon go out.

    No map,
    no moon,
    no desire

    to return
    on the same
    curve of road
    in unbidden darkness.

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I love this group.

    Post  Pat on Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:57 pm

    You guys. This is beautiful what we do for each other.  Thank you.  Never apologize for taking your pen to my poems.  I love it.  It's playing.  AND YOU HELP ME SEE!    I am the blind when I send it to you.  You give me eyes.  Thank you for any suggestions.  Love what happened here.  Thank you, Karen.  You got to it  before I did.  It may be 5 days before I get back to it.  Three grandkiddos and one niece asleep. . . so, here I am.  They are my poetry for a few days.  Just know that I'll get back to this later in the week.  Thank you!

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