On the Edge of a National Forest

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On the Edge of a National Forest

Post  Pat on Wed Jul 27, 2016 4:37 am

This was long and unwieldy, but it may still need a cutting.  Trying to write this on two levels.
 



On the Edge of a National Forest
 
The hour was late.  A weighty woman
knocked at locked church doors.
Nervous and chatty, she told the man
keeping a hand on the vacuum about

being dead tired and lost. A shadowy

figure stayed inside the car.
 
According to the chirpy one,
they had followed a pretty road
outlined by tall pines.
Now, fifteen miles deep in the forest,
they realized the sun, almost spent,
would soon go out.   No map, no moon,
and no desire to go back over

the same curvy, mountainous road
in unbidden darkness.  
 
A lull, a hallowed moment.
 
In the land of whispering trees,
she asked for help. He handed her
a hand-drawn map and gave her
a blessing. 
 
This is a miracle, she said, but
I’m not sure when it happened.

Pat

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Energy

Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:02 am

Pat

The energy for me is in the description of the "no" energy of stanza two.  I really like that section. 

The first stanza seems like background information that can be mightily compressed in the title and first line.

I would rethink all information after "in unbidden darkness."  (what belongs to this poem?)

There are words of mystery and suspense in the poem that are not being exploited (seems like the poet wants to report the event but the poem is about a couple traveling together and the dark one in the car)
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Edge of the foresst

Post  Don C on Sat Jul 30, 2016 12:06 pm

Title is approproiate and the pome flows well. I like your ending.

Don

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On The Edge Of...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jul 30, 2016 4:12 pm

I like the story... lots of mystery... tell me more about the shadowy figure in the car or delete him... I get the lull part but hallowed doesn't seem to fit...also, land of whispering pines is rather hack-kneed, don't you think?  I like the title because it stages the story... the end lines confuse me.  I guess the poem just needs tightening up.  Interesting format... I must try it sometime.  Dewell

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Re: On the Edge of a National Forest

Post  Karen on Sat Jul 30, 2016 5:07 pm

I know the poem is about the miracle of the map, but I have followed Todd's lead and experimented with ending after "unbidden darkness."

Forgive me, Pat.  I have killed your darling AND given it a radical haircut.  I'm not suggesting this as the final poem, just trying on a different look:

EDGE OF THE FOREST

Late.
A weight of woman
knocks at locked
church door,

dead tired and lost.
A shadowy

figure in the car.

They followed
pretty road
and now the sun,
near spent,
would soon go out.

No map,
no moon,
no desire

to return
on the same
curve of road
in unbidden darkness.
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I love this group.

Post  Pat on Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:57 pm

You guys. This is beautiful what we do for each other.  Thank you.  Never apologize for taking your pen to my poems.  I love it.  It's playing.  AND YOU HELP ME SEE!    I am the blind when I send it to you.  You give me eyes.  Thank you for any suggestions.  Love what happened here.  Thank you, Karen.  You got to it  before I did.  It may be 5 days before I get back to it.  Three grandkiddos and one niece asleep. . . so, here I am.  They are my poetry for a few days.  Just know that I'll get back to this later in the week.  Thank you!

Pat

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