The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Deadline is July 31st

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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Deadline is July 31st

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:13 am

    Sorry.  Looking for feedback.  Need to send this off for rejection 31 July 2016


    Transgression

    I don’t mind your garage
    wanton leaves inside or out  
    walls pocked by frustrated

    kicks     boarded over
    to divert an honest
    trespasser looking

                 for refuge
    from an oppressive sun
    another lost soul

    given over to wildlife
    overgrowth      but this
    building too occupies space

    stolen from great spirits
    waiting patiently
    like time itself

    for barefoot walks
    on silent dew-drenched
                         leaves

    --Todd Sukany 02 Jul 2016

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Transgression

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:48 pm

    I see nothing wrong with this poem, Todd.  Punctuation along with these unusual line breaks might help the reader.  Love the ending.  Some great images here.  And this poem makes me stop and think about my transgressions as seen by others.  I may well have been some ones garage.
    Thanks for a thoughtful piece.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Deadline is July 31st

    Post  Karen on Fri Jul 29, 2016 6:14 am

    Subject – yes.  Title – yes.  The disorganization of the lines hits just the right rhythm for me. 

    …honest trespasser … Oh yeah.  That one.

    “great spirits” gave me pause.  It decidedly makes the point to me, but I want an expression less pointed.  Like all ineffective complainers, I don’t have a solution.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Deadline is July 31st

    Post  Don C on Sat Jul 30, 2016 12:01 pm

    I agrre. I think you have done a good job with the title and the poem.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    What can I say?

    Post  Pat on Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:38 pm

    Deep.  Thought-provoking.  Body, mind, spirit.  Transgressions, trespasses.  Forgiveness.  I like wildlife overgrowth and honest trespasser and stolen.  Strong.  Put it out there.  Sorry I'm so late getting back to these poems.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks everyone

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jul 31, 2016 5:53 am

    I was able to submit the poem with a couple changes to the editor.  It usually takes a couple weeks for rejection.  I'll let you know! 

    Thanks again

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