Deadline is July 31st

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Deadline is July 31st

Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:13 am

Sorry.  Looking for feedback.  Need to send this off for rejection 31 July 2016


Transgression

I don’t mind your garage
wanton leaves inside or out  
walls pocked by frustrated

kicks     boarded over
to divert an honest
trespasser looking

             for refuge
from an oppressive sun
another lost soul

given over to wildlife
overgrowth      but this
building too occupies space

stolen from great spirits
waiting patiently
like time itself

for barefoot walks
on silent dew-drenched
                     leaves

--Todd Sukany 02 Jul 2016
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Transgression

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:48 pm

I see nothing wrong with this poem, Todd.  Punctuation along with these unusual line breaks might help the reader.  Love the ending.  Some great images here.  And this poem makes me stop and think about my transgressions as seen by others.  I may well have been some ones garage.
Thanks for a thoughtful piece.  Dewell

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Re: Deadline is July 31st

Post  Karen on Fri Jul 29, 2016 6:14 am

Subject – yes.  Title – yes.  The disorganization of the lines hits just the right rhythm for me. 

…honest trespasser … Oh yeah.  That one.

“great spirits” gave me pause.  It decidedly makes the point to me, but I want an expression less pointed.  Like all ineffective complainers, I don’t have a solution.

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Re: Deadline is July 31st

Post  Don C on Sat Jul 30, 2016 12:01 pm

I agrre. I think you have done a good job with the title and the poem.

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What can I say?

Post  Pat on Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:38 pm

Deep.  Thought-provoking.  Body, mind, spirit.  Transgressions, trespasses.  Forgiveness.  I like wildlife overgrowth and honest trespasser and stolen.  Strong.  Put it out there.  Sorry I'm so late getting back to these poems.

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Thanks everyone

Post  tsukany on Sun Jul 31, 2016 5:53 am

I was able to submit the poem with a couple changes to the editor.  It usually takes a couple weeks for rejection.  I'll let you know! 

Thanks again
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Re: Deadline is July 31st

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