The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Thoughts for my ode--Title?

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    Dennis 2012
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    Thoughts for my ode--Title?

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Wed Aug 24, 2016 10:33 am

    Uniquely Essential


    Stiff like starched collars
    Flexibility of garden hose
    Key fit for a writer
    Unraveled traveler
    Wonder of life
     
    Essential in history’s wheel
    Keeper of papers
    Filler of desk trays
    This ode is to paperclip
    Leg of my keyboard
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    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Thoughts for my ode--Title?

    Post  Karen on Thu Aug 25, 2016 9:43 pm

    Oh Dennis.  I do like this one!

    The title suffers from the reappearance of the word essential in the second stanza.

    How about "Indispensable"?

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Ode to Paperclip, another possible title

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 26, 2016 10:24 am

    If you were this direct with a title, then change next to last line, maybe something like:  blood oath to keep family together.   I like the poem too.  And I like the lack of punctuation.  Not needed here.  Thanks for sharing your new style.  : )
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    What about?

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 27, 2016 7:18 am

    Dennis

    I agree the title needs to change.  I kept reading each line over and over to discover why that line was "uniquely essential."  I grew tired.  Then when I found out the poem was a description of a paperclip leg on a computer keyboard, well, I felt a bit cheated.

    Why not start there? 

    The leg of my keyboard is a paperclip

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Thoughts for my ode

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:24 pm

    Yes.  Simple yet compelling.  I like the brevity.  Todd's suggested title helps the reader get into the poem quickly.  I prefer to know what a poem is about early on when possible.  Guess I'm lazy and reluctant to work hard analyzing a poem.  Is that an age factor?  I didn't even know a keyboard had such a key!
    Thanks for a brief ode.  I must try this style sometime since my critics say I'm too wordy with my work.

    Dewell

    Ben Johnson
    Guest

    A rewrite with changes

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:32 pm

    This ode is to paperclip, Leg of my keyboard


    Stiff like starched collars
    Flexibility of garden hose
    Key fit for a writer
    Unraveled traveler
    Wonder of life
     
    Essential in history’s wheel
    Keeper of papers
    Filler of desk trays
    Replacer of eraser
    that levels written effort
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Thoughts for my ode--Title?

    Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 6:42 am

    ...Replacer of eraser ...

    Dennis!

    I'm smitten.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I did it again

    Post  tsukany on Sun Aug 28, 2016 6:44 am

    Dennis/Ben

    I meant to write "Start with this as the fist line."  I think you are pushing the diction too high by using "ode."  If the first line of the poem is

    The leg of my keyboard is a paperclip (much more relaxed tone)
    Stiff like starched collars
    coiled Flexibility of garden hose
    (I don't know what to do with these three lines)Key fit for a writer
    Unraveled traveler
    Wonder of life
     
    Essential in history’s wheel
    Keeper of papers
    Filler of desk trays
    Replacer of eraser  (I don't erase with paperclips )
    that levels written effort (I think this last line is a wonderful addition)

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I wonder

    Post  Pat on Sun Aug 28, 2016 5:01 pm

    if your computer is different from mine.  I have no eraser unless it is a backspace.  So it is hard to imagine.  I don't even have the paperclip unless it is the clip for attachment which I doubt you mean.  My imagination is having to work too hard.  I like leveler and back to writing  (written efforts.)  It'll be  great to see how this eventually works out.

    Ben Johnson
    Guest

    Adressing the eraser

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sun Aug 28, 2016 5:19 pm

    Pat and Todd,  I have a remote keyboard for my laptop.  It has legs which flip out to elevate the back so it will be higher than the front.  One leg broke off. I saw where you could use a bent paper clip to take the place of the little leg (or foot) to level the key board.  I had put a removable pencil eraser under the key board to stabilize it before trying the paper clip.  Knowing the many uses of paper clips I opined.  To the poem,  I do think the title is to much and like the suggestion of part of it as first line, hence,   Still must use Ben Johnson to post this?


    This ode is to paperclip 


    Leg of my keyboard
    Stiff like starched collars
    Flexibility of garden hose
    Hand for a writer
    Unraveled traveler
    Wonder of life
     
    Essential in history’s wheel
    Keeper of papers
    Filler of desk trays
    Replacer of eraser
    that levels written effort

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    Re: Thoughts for my ode--Title?

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