please critique

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please critique

Post  Dennis20 on Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:12 pm

 

 

Little Table in the Hall

 

“...and that’s junior at nineteen

boarding the plane.  He’s

wearing crisp, clean camo   

headed for the Gulf.

 

“This folded flag—you can see it

in the picture between the six men

carrying the coffin—given

to his mother has yellowed.

The framed certificate there,  

sent by the Commander-in-Chief,

thanked us for our sacrifice.

 

“I remember his freckles and smile

and pride when he left; the sound

of taps when he returned; and

the thousand tears we’ve cried since.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot the Purple Heart

which came months later.”

 

Dennis

 

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Powerful Dennis

Post  tsukany on Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:18 pm

I like the topic and am sorry that you know this kind of pain.

I think you can distill a bit of redundancy to make it even more powerful. Here's an example: "the thousand tears we’ve cried since" tears implies crying and crying implies tears.

I expected the poem to be a bit more...he left...he returned than it was. Not a negative since surprise is always welcome in a poem, for this reader.

Thanks for sharing this part of life with us.
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Re: please critique

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:12 pm

Next to last stanza... use a noun instead of pronoun... otherwise it is too far to carry identity in my head when they and other pronouns get in between. Last stanza:

"Oh, I almost forgot. The Purple Heart. It came later." That might add power and keep the afterthought from becoming an afterthought. I like the way this piece jumps right into action without using a stanza to set-up the sceene.

Dennis, My Mom also got a black-edged-telegram delivered by officers in uniform in 1944. My other two brothers made it home carrying Purple Hearts. I think poems on this difficult subject need to be written. Thank you for posting it. Dewell

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I agree with Dewell

Post  tsukany on Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:26 pm

I think the short sentences add power as well (for the last stanza).
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Big sharing. . . . thank you.

Post  Pat on Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:31 am

Dennis, have you ever watched the movie Taking Chance? Wonderful movie. Tender movie. True story. I thought of it as I read your poem. May have thought of it because I do not have another way of knowing this kind of tragedy. Powerful movie. powerful poem.

"And the thousand tears since" takes care of it. For me, "Oh, the Purple Heart. . . ." takes care of it. I don't need I almost forgot. "Oh" says that. Aren't I getting ticky?!

Fine poem, Dennis. Fine. Pat

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