The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    nocturne 1

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    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    nocturne 1

    Post  Karen on Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:32 am

    A plein air poem (like plein air painting).  I just wrote was in front of me that moment.

    nocturne 1
     
    gray the evening
    August green
    southern breath
    nuzzles warm
    flutters sweep
    willow’s weep
    swat of gnats
    unswayed
    unstirred

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I have a gap in my knowledge

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 26, 2016 10:39 am

    Okay, it's the French term for open air painting.  Thank you for helping me fill in the hole.  : ) 

    Actually this is easy to follow, but I wonder if I'd like it even better if you paralleled all of the lines:  
    evening gray/August green/ breath southern (or shallow? Is it humid?  southern. . . wonder what northerners would think?), etc.   swat threw me off.  What if you said, me flailing/ gnats unswayed unstirred  ????   Just options to think about.

    Nice.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 586
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    simplify

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 27, 2016 7:12 am

    nocturne 1 (This takes me to music)
     
    gray the evening  (This seems too formal with the inversion)
    August green (color shift?)
    southern breath
    nuzzles warm
    flutters sweep
    willow’s weep
    swat of gnats
    unswayed
    unstirred (this seems contrary to the motions above)

    I think the persona is describing a horse swatting gnats away.  I am not sure what to take from the picture.  Gnats? Weeping? Horse and persona nuzzling?

    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Location : Central Point, OR

    nocturne 1 simplicity

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:36 pm

    Darn!  I couldn't find Todd's horse!
    Yes, southern nights.  I remember them well.  Swat... I was drawn away from the image.  Didn't like the abruptness of swat.  I like the free flow feeling I get... hoped for a stream or pond...and music in the background.  I smell crepe myrtle and magnolia.  Pick a color and stay with it. 
    Brave of you to try this style and share it.

    Dewell

    Ben Johnson
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    Hey, it is I, Dennis

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:44 pm

    As I told Todd and Pat: I couldn't get in under my own name. I may have over used it. So, for tonight I am Ben.

    Karen,  I like plein and the neatness of the thought. Clever.  I do think the first line needs revamping.  Whether you can reverse it as Todd suggests remains to be seen.  I like swat.  I have fought those so and soes (I don't know if that is the way to spell the plural of so.  You get the drift) and swat is what you do.  I didn't see the horse but could conceive a cow because I milked in my younger days and received a swat or two. But I'm far afield. I think I would recommend but stirred for the last two words since the action requests a reaction.  Good poem

    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: nocturne 1

    Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 10:07 am

    I pitched this in the air, picked up the pieces, and put them together again (thank you, Pat).  The poem is a simple observation of what was in front of me - the "plein air" part of the experiment.  So.  A simplification.

    I particularly like our group because I feel comfortable throwing out a Maybe or Probaby Not poem to see if something can come of it.  I still may not have anything here, but I enjoyed the brain waves.

    porch swing nocturne

    twilight mutes
    August green
    barest breeze
    a southern breath
    flutters sweep
    of willow's weep
    but not the gnats
    unswayed
    unstirred

    Admin
    Admin

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    Join date : 2011-05-21

    warmer :)

    Post  Admin on Sun Aug 28, 2016 10:22 am

    Karen

    The line that throws me now is "flutters sweep"  is it two verbs?  part of a sentence?

    Thanks for pestering this poem more

    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: nocturne 1

    Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:14 pm

    Try this line division ...

    porch swing nocturne

    twilight mutes
    August green
    barest breeze
    a southern breath
    flutters
    sweep of
    willow's weep
    but not the gnats
    unswayed
    unstirred
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 586
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    yup

    Post  tsukany on Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:18 pm

    Feels much better now.  Smile  Do you still like it?

    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: nocturne 1

    Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:37 pm

    I do. 

    Thank you, Todd, Pat, Dewell, Dennis and ... Ben.

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Yes!

    Post  Pat on Sun Aug 28, 2016 4:48 pm

    I like it better too.  And the same line that bothered Todd bothered me.  I wasn't sure I was reading it the way you meant.  Moving one or two words.  It matters.  Good one.

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