nocturne 1

View previous topic View next topic Go down

nocturne 1

Post  Karen on Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:32 am

A plein air poem (like plein air painting).  I just wrote was in front of me that moment.

nocturne 1
 
gray the evening
August green
southern breath
nuzzles warm
flutters sweep
willow’s weep
swat of gnats
unswayed
unstirred
avatar
Karen

Posts : 232
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I have a gap in my knowledge

Post  Pat on Fri Aug 26, 2016 10:39 am

Okay, it's the French term for open air painting.  Thank you for helping me fill in the hole.  : ) 

Actually this is easy to follow, but I wonder if I'd like it even better if you paralleled all of the lines:  
evening gray/August green/ breath southern (or shallow? Is it humid?  southern. . . wonder what northerners would think?), etc.   swat threw me off.  What if you said, me flailing/ gnats unswayed unstirred  ????   Just options to think about.

Nice.

Pat

Posts : 538
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

simplify

Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 27, 2016 7:12 am

nocturne 1 (This takes me to music)
 
gray the evening  (This seems too formal with the inversion)
August green (color shift?)
southern breath
nuzzles warm
flutters sweep
willow’s weep
swat of gnats
unswayed
unstirred (this seems contrary to the motions above)

I think the persona is describing a horse swatting gnats away.  I am not sure what to take from the picture.  Gnats? Weeping? Horse and persona nuzzling?
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 508
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

nocturne 1 simplicity

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:36 pm

Darn!  I couldn't find Todd's horse!
Yes, southern nights.  I remember them well.  Swat... I was drawn away from the image.  Didn't like the abruptness of swat.  I like the free flow feeling I get... hoped for a stream or pond...and music in the background.  I smell crepe myrtle and magnolia.  Pick a color and stay with it. 
Brave of you to try this style and share it.

Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 305
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Hey, it is I, Dennis

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:44 pm

As I told Todd and Pat: I couldn't get in under my own name. I may have over used it. So, for tonight I am Ben.

Karen,  I like plein and the neatness of the thought. Clever.  I do think the first line needs revamping.  Whether you can reverse it as Todd suggests remains to be seen.  I like swat.  I have fought those so and soes (I don't know if that is the way to spell the plural of so.  You get the drift) and swat is what you do.  I didn't see the horse but could conceive a cow because I milked in my younger days and received a swat or two. But I'm far afield. I think I would recommend but stirred for the last two words since the action requests a reaction.  Good poem

Ben Johnson
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: nocturne 1

Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 10:07 am

I pitched this in the air, picked up the pieces, and put them together again (thank you, Pat).  The poem is a simple observation of what was in front of me - the "plein air" part of the experiment.  So.  A simplification.

I particularly like our group because I feel comfortable throwing out a Maybe or Probaby Not poem to see if something can come of it.  I still may not have anything here, but I enjoyed the brain waves.

porch swing nocturne

twilight mutes
August green
barest breeze
a southern breath
flutters sweep
of willow's weep
but not the gnats
unswayed
unstirred
avatar
Karen

Posts : 232
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

warmer :)

Post  Admin on Sun Aug 28, 2016 10:22 am

Karen

The line that throws me now is "flutters sweep"  is it two verbs?  part of a sentence?

Thanks for pestering this poem more

Admin
Admin

Posts : 22
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile http://lastfriday.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: nocturne 1

Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:14 pm

Try this line division ...

porch swing nocturne

twilight mutes
August green
barest breeze
a southern breath
flutters
sweep of
willow's weep
but not the gnats
unswayed
unstirred
avatar
Karen

Posts : 232
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

yup

Post  tsukany on Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:18 pm

Feels much better now.  Smile  Do you still like it?
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 508
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: nocturne 1

Post  Karen on Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:37 pm

I do. 

Thank you, Todd, Pat, Dewell, Dennis and ... Ben.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 232
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Yes!

Post  Pat on Sun Aug 28, 2016 4:48 pm

I like it better too.  And the same line that bothered Todd bothered me.  I wasn't sure I was reading it the way you meant.  Moving one or two words.  It matters.  Good one.

Pat

Posts : 538
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: nocturne 1

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum