Trying something new

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Trying something new

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 24, 2016 5:42 pm

Figure of Speech

once i could speak beyond tongues of men
the tongues of angels more true
than those tongues of devils and liars

people need to execute actions
in poems or bodies will feel no need
to read words that exist in the head

hearts beat.  slowly.  maniacally.
unless i am wrong and adverbs
live only in the real world.  really.

while dragging dew off grass
over an hour     near a bed of roses
i    too    effervesce

-- Todd Sukany 23 Sept 2016
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trying something new

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Sep 27, 2016 5:25 pm

Todd,  Your use of negative space... especially in the last few lines... intrigues me.  Wish I could do that.  Are there rules for this?  We have an Oregon Poet Laureate who uses this very well.  Perhaps I can get a cite from her.  She lives here in the valley and teaches at our local university.  As to this poem: I like it as it is, especially the spoof about adverbs. Does the perfect tongue substitute action for adverbs, too?  Dewell

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Thanks Dewell

Post  tsukany on Tue Sep 27, 2016 6:59 pm

Dewell 

One of my very favorite poets is Lucille Clifton.  She was the master of punctuation and capitalization.
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lost me

Post  renee.barger on Wed Sep 28, 2016 11:14 am

I loved how the second stanza sounded in my head. I had to reread it a couple of times for me to "get it," but I liked it once I got it.

I got lost by the last stanza. I thought I knew what was happening (maybe?), but I didn't see how the last stanza connected.
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rearranging lines looking for Pat Karen and Dennis

Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 30, 2016 5:51 am

Figure of Speech

once i could speak beyond tongues of men
the tongues of angels more true
than those tongues of liars and devils

while dragging dew off grass
over an hour     near a bed of roses
i    too    effervesce

people need to execute actions
in poems or bodies will feel no need
to read words that exist in the head

hearts beat.  slowly.  maniacally.
unless i am wrong and adverbs
live only in the real world.  really.

-- Todd Sukany 23 Sept 2016
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Re: Trying something new

Post  Karen on Fri Sep 30, 2016 6:30 am

Rearranging the furniture makes this feel like a whole new house!

Moving the scene to stanza two brought me into your world before I wandered too far away into my own.

"really" is KILLER in this position.

I love this, Todd.
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definitely a defining moment

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Oct 01, 2016 2:54 pm

Todd,  Is there a point beyond the poem? Should we hear the words with our ears rather than hear them forcefully in our heads? I am trying hard to understand and think I almost have enough info from the way you expertly wrote your monthly entry to be enlightened.  Yesterday, I would not have understood. I simply offer a hardy "thank you."

I profoundly have trouble with the words "slowly" and "manically" jambed that close together.  I think of them as almost opposites. I would hardly except them as both ends of the spectrum as you have displayed them here.  The rewrite is definitely better.  Dennis

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Struggling with post "holding". . . .

Post  Pat on Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:48 am

Todd, this could be sent to Poetry Mag.  : )   I like it.  I love opposites rubbed together.  I do it and judges mark me down for it, but I appreciate oxymorons. This summer I read 10 copies of Poetry Mag.  Got them at the lib for $5.  Not my normal reading. Those folks in that mag think outside the box.  This is such a poem.  Good job.  
What I see here:  S 1, line 3:   I'd choose one or the other:  those or tongues.  Just weeding. (Oh, I'm looking at your revision.)  Not sure how to read "over an hour"?  Take over an hour? Happened over an hour ago?  I'm leaning toward:  it took over an hour.  I like the spacing.  Stanza 3:  teachy, preachy, directive. I don't know that I need it.  This is what I get:  Figures of Speech anchor and move the poem.  Adverbs do not help in the poetic world.  Hmmmm.  Just playing with it.  I like Lucille Clifton too. Like your closure. Hope something here helps.

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