The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Elijah Poem

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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Elijah Poem

    Post  renee.barger on Sat Sep 24, 2016 6:51 pm

    Elijah


    Finals threat to kill my grades.
    Running the paces to graduate.
    Wind-blown by changing rubrics.
    Shaken by friends dropping out.
    Burnt-out by J-Term courses consuming breaks.

    The final's come, I've forgotten the answer.
    My pencil hovers over the question.
    The answer comes in a form of a Whisper.
    _____________
    Sept 16, 2016
    Renee Barger
    1 Kings 19
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    tsukany

    Posts : 586
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Titles are Vital

    Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 26, 2016 10:28 am

    Renee

    Welcome to your first round of critique.  Hope we aren't too scary.

    I think I would re-title the poem.  I am not sure the reader needs the entire chapter of I Kings 19.

    Seems like line one is out of sequence chronologically.  Maybe "midterms"?

    Does a non-SBU reader understand "J-term"?

    I would challenge each use of the definite article.  Keep only those that MUST be there.  (indefinite often communicates more)

    Todd
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Edits

    Post  renee.barger on Tue Sep 27, 2016 10:33 am

    Is this the proper way to do things? Make some edits and repost?




    Sukany/Thor, 
    I always struggle with titles...... Better?
    Yes, I agree; I like "Midterms" better.  Very Happy
    I had heard a few friends reference "JTerm," but I did hesitate on that. Is there another word for it, or just remove it?
    Did I do ok removing definite articles? Is it better?






    Final Threats


    Midterms threaten to kill my grades.

    Running the paces to graduate
    Wind-blown by changing rubrics
    Shaken by friends dropping out
    Burnt-out by courses consuming breaks

    Final's come

    my pencil hovers over a question
    The answer comes as a Whisper.
    _____________
    Sept 16, 2016
    Renee Barger
    1 Kings 19:1-18

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ELIJA POEM

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Sep 27, 2016 4:49 pm

    Hello, Renee+.
    Welcome to the WORD SLINGERS group.
    New title I like better... J-Term is foreign to me.  I taught some seminars during breaks at Stanford and we called them SRA... one credit stuff on subjects like ethics but no J-Term.
    Try this for an end line: The answers, a whisper.  I think your revisions make for a better poem.
     Good work, Renee... stay with us.  Dewell
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    More Edits

    Post  renee.barger on Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:45 pm

    Hi, Dewell
    Thank you for the welcome and critique too. The feedback is really helpful. Smile


    I've been wondering if the first line is even necessary. I was trying to parallel the story in the beginning of 1 Kings, but I don't know if it's needed. Took it out below to try it. Any agreement or disagreement?



    Final Threats


    Running the paces to graduate.
    Wind-blown by changing rubrics.
    Shaken by friends dropping out.
    Burnt-out by course work consuming breaks.

    Finals come.
    My pencil hovers over a question.
    The answer, a Whisper.
    _____________
    Sept 16, 2016
    Renee Barger
    1 Kings 19

    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Elijah Poem

    Post  Karen on Thu Sep 29, 2016 7:31 am

    Welcome, Renee!

    Version 3 is much to my liking.  I got J-Term by context, but it limited the poem.  I like the new title.  A lot.  I would prefer not to capitalize whisper.  If the Biblical reference will be part of the poem, Whisper is overkill for me. 

    I want something more rhythmic in the last line of the first stanza.  Perhaps a substitute for "burnt-out" or for "course work"?  Or maybe just a line break - make that line two lines instead of a single line.  In its present form, the line came out of my mouth in a way that was not entirely comfortable.

    I like the tension in this poem.  The subject matter is very accessible in this version. 

    Good poem!  And again WELCOME.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    version 4

    Post  renee.barger on Thu Sep 29, 2016 7:52 pm

    Thanks, Karen! That's great feedback. I've been thinking on it all day. I'm still thinking on it, but here's the next version.

    Final Threats

    Running the paces to graduate.
    Wind-blown by changing rubrics.
    Shaken by friends dropping out.
    Burnt-out,
    consumed by winter courses.


    Finals come,
    my pencil hovers over a question.
    The answer, a whisper.

    ___________
    Sept 16, 2016
    Renee Barger
    1 Kings 19:1-18

    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Elijah Poem

    Post  Karen on Thu Sep 29, 2016 10:20 pm

    I'm so glad you've joined the group.

    Ben Johnson
    Guest

    if I make not thy life as the life of one of...

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Oct 01, 2016 3:26 pm

    Renee,  Welcome.  By waiting this late in the game, I can look at the clean copy and say how nice it looks. If I skip all the suggestions the others have written, I see you as an accomplished poet.  
    The thing I would note is: No matter how short your poem, we have one member in this forum who will cut something out and it might just be your name so he can take it for his own. I say remember to be true to yourself and let the suggestions guide you, not dictate. With that said, I am truly amazed at how much this group has added to my growth as a poet. Always remember that these are suggestions and take them as that. 
    I would note here, that the poem now has very little link to Elijah as your first title suggested. The poem is here and now college life with "rubrics" as the structure word that could have a
    religious conotation. For you it can be the link to the thought that brought the poem to paper and for the reader it is a word we need to look up and think you clever for slipping it in. I would suggest you remove the word "my" from before the word pencil. That takes out the personal and makes it the reader's poem.
    Good Poem
    Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Welcome, Renee!

    Post  Pat on Sun Oct 02, 2016 10:09 pm

    I'm late, so I'm mainly looking at the last revision, though I read everything everyone wrote.   This is what we do as a result of everyone's input:  we revise, revise, revise.  It's your poem.  Take what fits for you.  Leave the rest.  So does rubrics mean Excellent, Good, Fair, etc.?   I did not understand J-Term at all.  Glad you dropped that word.  I want my poem to be more universal and simple enough for everyone to understand, so I question academic words.  Sometimes universities have their own language.  I'm not sure about rubrics either.  This sent me to the Bible, of course.  I wonder if you want the reference to be at the bottom of the poem or under the title?  If it is based on the Bible story of Elijah, then I want to know it at the beginning of the poem, so if you change the title to your last revision, I'd put the epigraph under the title.  I understand about whisper, but small still voice could be a way of referring to Bible reference.  I am good with or without punctuation.  I read Dewell's concern about course work.  Another word might we studies.   Short poems are so hard to do, but you have done it.  Every word counts.
    Know that our opinions are just opinions.  No grade from us.  No way to fail here.  And we are FOR you. . .  rooting FOR you.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Thank you!

    Post  renee.barger on Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:59 am

    Thank you, Dennis and Pat, for the welcome and all the compliments! I wasn't sure where to put the Bible reference, but I think I will move it to the top underneath the title. I hadn't meant to rubric to be a Biblical reference; that was an accident. Pat - I think I will change from whisper to still small voice. I loved that idea when you suggested it. I'm still debating on the punctuation. 
    Thanks again for all the welcomes. I was a little nervous to post my poem, but you've all been so nice and helpful. Smile

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Happy to have you, Renee.

    Post  Pat on Tue Oct 04, 2016 1:14 pm

    Write on!

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