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    Is the emotion visible--what can make it better

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    Ben Johnson
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    Is the emotion visible--what can make it better

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Sep 24, 2016 8:44 pm

    I can't seem to get on under Dennis acct. so I am using this one.
    My Pets
     
    Happiness is a puppy
    that leaps to lick my face.
    She will chase a stick
    and bark at me.
    Like autumn leaves
    that circle in the yard
    she is a flash of color
    in a whirlwind.
     
     
    Grief is a tabby cat
    who arches her back
    like winter wind.
    Her snowy fur
    and slanted eyes
    bring icy chills
    that bite against
    my skin.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Reply from Renee

    Post  renee.barger on Mon Sep 26, 2016 9:50 am

    I loved how you related happiness to a puppy and grief to a tabby cat. I don't know if it was just me, but I was thrown off when I read the line, "Like autumn leaves" because I thought it was a second complete image at first. I had to get down 2 more lines to realize you were still talking about the puppy. I didn't have any issues in the second stanza. Loved it.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Showing?

    Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 26, 2016 10:22 am

    Dearest Ben/Dennis2012,

    I wonder if you can show the emotions (happiness and grief) rather than tell the reader.  "Grief" takes me to death.

    I wonder if you can start stanza one with the simile?  and then impose that as a "form" for stanza two?

    Todd/Thor

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    My Pets.... etc

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Sep 27, 2016 5:16 pm

    Ben, you need ten characters in the title to get in. 
    In your search for more emotion in your poem... how about more show and less tail? (pun)
    I get a good feel for the puppy but the cat seems purrless... almost not there for me.  Cats and dogs are so much a part of our culture that people stop to read about them just because they are there... I think.
    Nice to have you aboard.  Dewell

    Karen

    Posts : 282
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Is the emotion visible--what can make it better

    Post  Karen on Wed Sep 28, 2016 7:34 pm

    "I like this juxtaposition," she said.  She then proceeded to gripe about everything else.

    I want a different title.  This one doesn't jump out of the table of contents and make me turn to the page.

    I want more of a mirror image in the two stanzas.  I want your use of language to parallel.  I agree with Todd - create your form.  Unlike Dewell, I was okay with purrlessness (hmm?) of the cat.  I got the iciness.

    I want, I want, I want.

    I don't intend to be a fussbudget, Ben, but DANG, you're right close to making me happy.  I want this poem leaner and tighter.

    Ben Johnson
    Guest

    something for everybody

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Oct 01, 2016 1:05 pm

    Rewrite from insight

    Painted Ladies
     
    Happiness leaps
    to lick my face.
    She will chase a stick
    and bark at me.
    She circles the yard
    like autumn leaves
    and is a flash of colors
    in a whirlwind.
     
    Grief arches her back
    like winter wind.
    Snowy fur and slanted eyes
    bring icy chills
    that bite against
    my skin.
    The twitching tail,
    a selfish barb
    that promotes regret.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Trying again

    Post  tsukany on Sun Oct 02, 2016 6:43 am

    The formatting went CRAZY!  Hope this one is better.

    Dennis

    The revision [Painted Ladies . . . an allusion to the ancient profession?] cuts the cat out of the second stanza, "she" becomes a continuation of stanza one.

    Could the names of the pets replace "happiness" and "grief"?

    Here's a sample of what I suggested in my first post (with the original test)

    My Pets

    Like autumn leaves
    that circle in the yard
    Betty is a flash of color
    in a whirlwind.
    Happiness is a puppy
    that leaps to lick my face.
    She will chase a stick
    and bark at me.

    like winter wind.
    who arches her back
    Grief is a tabby cat
    Her snowy fur
    and slanted eyes
    bring icy chills
    that bite against
    my skin.

    Ben Johnson
    Guest
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    technology is evil today

    Post  tsukany on Sun Oct 02, 2016 6:46 am

    Dennis

    I meant "text" not "test"

    Somewhere in cyber hell is my note about how much I like the additions to the last stanza of "Painted Ladies." 

    I wonder if I had other things to say that were deleted by the cyber bullies?

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    One more opinion worth less than a nickel.

    Post  Pat on Sun Oct 02, 2016 9:36 pm

    I think you have two poems.   I'd call the first poem Happiness, then get to specifics about the dog.  Maybe let the first line be:  is a puppy. . . I would keep it in present tense:  chases. . .  Instead of is (a linking verb), could you say "flashes" auburn colors. . . .?  Something to strengthen the verb.  I like the nouns at the end of lines.  Interesting that you chose grief rather than sad to contrast with happiness.  I also like the short poems.  Other thoughts I had with this first stanza:   catching, pursuing happiness, chasing.  Gosh, it can go on and on.  How it can just appear out of nowhere.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Response for the rewrite

    Post  renee.barger on Mon Oct 03, 2016 4:35 pm

    I loved the rewrite. I don't think it needs to be two poems. If you did split it, I think I would miss the contrast between the two stanzas. The one thing that made me pause was why does the dog have a name but the cat does not?

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