OMEN (I need six more letters.) )

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OMEN (I need six more letters.) )

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 26, 2016 5:00 pm

Nice to have some new blood, er... poets brave enough...  OMEN.  I'm considering dropping the last line... also the word "leap" seems too austere.  Do all those "ings" bother anyone?  All
suggestions welcome.  Dewell

OMEN

North by north-east, alone
honking
scraping treetops

searching for the V
lost
instinct driven

Canada goose strains for
altitude
flutters, falls

recovers minus one flight
feather
destiny calling

I leap from my lounge
eager
to see, to help, to hope

my heart flutters, again
quivering
Is this my V

Dewell H. Byrd

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Not much Help from me

Post  tsukany on Tue Sep 27, 2016 2:27 pm

Dewell

I don't see much out of place.

I wonder if "alone" can be its own line?  Maybe move Canada Goose closer to the top of the poem.  It takes a while for the setting to settle.  I wonder if "losing a feather" can be easier to read than its current construction.

I wanted the ending of the poem to be a statement rather than a question.

See?  Not much help from me. 

Trusting others,

Todd
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Reply from Renee

Post  renee.barger on Wed Sep 28, 2016 11:30 am

Hi, Dewell

The "ings" did not bother me at all; I liked it actually.

I read through the poem without the 4th stanza, and I think (?) I got the same meaning. It felt like dead weight for me. I wanted it to jump from the goose fluttering falling to you jumping up wanting to help. I loved the line, "to see, to help, to hope."

Hope something in there is helpful for you. Smile

Renee
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Re: OMEN (I need six more letters.) )

Post  Karen on Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:47 pm

Renee and Todd have not left much work for me.  Like Todd, I am not bothered by the "ings".  I like the recurrence.  I too want "alone" on its own line.  I am in agreement with Renee about kissing stanza 4 goodbye, and preferring a statement to a question at the end.

I particularly liked the next-to-the-last stanza, which could so easily be fraught with peril - the poet arriving in person so suddenly.  It is the sort of thing that usually gives me pause, but it was the right pause for this poem.  I like the lack of punctuation.

Good one, Dewell.
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A cooked goose

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Oct 01, 2016 3:35 pm

Dewell,  Good poem. Not much to offer.  I do think it is only weighted by the last stanza.It is not a live or die thing either way.   I know how that feels when you have to cut something.  My mind's eye has some definite length for a poem and if I have to cut something I keep trying to add something somewhere else to make up the difference.  I try to keep reminding myself not to be married to words. Anyway, I like the picture here.  Dennis

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Not much left for me to say. . . .

Post  Pat on Sun Oct 02, 2016 10:19 pm

They've about covered it.  I'm not fond of questions at the end, but it is in your head or you wouldn't jump up from your chair.  I have often questioned the spelling of V.  Is it V or Vee when talking about a shape in the sky of geese?  I've seen it both ways.  This is a skinny form for you, Dewell.  I like it.  And I like the second line in each tercet being one word.  Musical in places.  : )  Nice.  Just read it again.  Do you need that last stanza?   Maybe just drop it?  Playful in so many ways.  Good job.

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