The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    OMEN (I need six more letters.) )

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    OMEN (I need six more letters.) )

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 26, 2016 5:00 pm

    Nice to have some new blood, er... poets brave enough...  OMEN.  I'm considering dropping the last line... also the word "leap" seems too austere.  Do all those "ings" bother anyone?  All
    suggestions welcome.  Dewell

    OMEN

    North by north-east, alone
    honking
    scraping treetops

    searching for the V
    lost
    instinct driven

    Canada goose strains for
    altitude
    flutters, falls

    recovers minus one flight
    feather
    destiny calling

    I leap from my lounge
    eager
    to see, to help, to hope

    my heart flutters, again
    quivering
    Is this my V

    Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not much Help from me

    Post  tsukany on Tue Sep 27, 2016 2:27 pm

    Dewell

    I don't see much out of place.

    I wonder if "alone" can be its own line?  Maybe move Canada Goose closer to the top of the poem.  It takes a while for the setting to settle.  I wonder if "losing a feather" can be easier to read than its current construction.

    I wanted the ending of the poem to be a statement rather than a question.

    See?  Not much help from me. 

    Trusting others,

    Todd
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 32
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Reply from Renee

    Post  renee.barger on Wed Sep 28, 2016 11:30 am

    Hi, Dewell

    The "ings" did not bother me at all; I liked it actually.

    I read through the poem without the 4th stanza, and I think (?) I got the same meaning. It felt like dead weight for me. I wanted it to jump from the goose fluttering falling to you jumping up wanting to help. I loved the line, "to see, to help, to hope."

    Hope something in there is helpful for you. Smile

    Renee

    Karen

    Posts : 282
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: OMEN (I need six more letters.) )

    Post  Karen on Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:47 pm

    Renee and Todd have not left much work for me.  Like Todd, I am not bothered by the "ings".  I like the recurrence.  I too want "alone" on its own line.  I am in agreement with Renee about kissing stanza 4 goodbye, and preferring a statement to a question at the end.

    I particularly liked the next-to-the-last stanza, which could so easily be fraught with peril - the poet arriving in person so suddenly.  It is the sort of thing that usually gives me pause, but it was the right pause for this poem.  I like the lack of punctuation.

    Good one, Dewell.

    Ben Johnson
    Guest

    A cooked goose

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Oct 01, 2016 3:35 pm

    Dewell,  Good poem. Not much to offer.  I do think it is only weighted by the last stanza.It is not a live or die thing either way.   I know how that feels when you have to cut something.  My mind's eye has some definite length for a poem and if I have to cut something I keep trying to add something somewhere else to make up the difference.  I try to keep reminding myself not to be married to words. Anyway, I like the picture here.  Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Not much left for me to say. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Oct 02, 2016 10:19 pm

    They've about covered it.  I'm not fond of questions at the end, but it is in your head or you wouldn't jump up from your chair.  I have often questioned the spelling of V.  Is it V or Vee when talking about a shape in the sky of geese?  I've seen it both ways.  This is a skinny form for you, Dewell.  I like it.  And I like the second line in each tercet being one word.  Musical in places.  : )  Nice.  Just read it again.  Do you need that last stanza?   Maybe just drop it?  Playful in so many ways.  Good job.

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