The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Pier at Grand Haven

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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pier at Grand Haven

    Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 27, 2016 11:27 am

    I am still trying the new approach. I am wondering if anyone sees any weeds in this offering.


    Pier at Grand Haven

    Dog and I face west, look across
    ice, wind-whipped like meringue.  

    Should we dare to look up, even
    for a moment, sharpened points,

    Winter’s canines, sharpened
    by a lying sun from over east,

    perch ready to pierce our hearts,
    at the expense of the head.  Even

    though the absence of warmth
    surrounds us, offering its “death nail”

    of welcome, we cull survival
    from a single strike of a match.

    --Todd Sukany 12 Oct 2016


    Last edited by tsukany on Sat Oct 29, 2016 7:50 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : corrected spelling error. Good eye Pat.)

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    This is above my pay grade. : )

    Post  Pat on Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:49 pm

    Maybe I'm really thick-headed tonight. Golly.  Gee Whiz!  Is marange spelled correctly???  If so, it is not in my dictionary.  Looking west, personna knows the east is where winter and sun are coming from.  Perched.  Ready.  Sacrificing head to pierce our hearts?  Offering death nail
    like in a coffin?  Dark dies and Light comes?   If so, I think it ends at the word welcome.  I like dog and canines later. . .  great image.  I felt like a first grader reading this poem.  Must it be so hard.  And I'm not sure I'm even close to understanding the meaning.  When you say "we cull. . . to the end of the poem, it's telling.  Not needed.  If we dare or Should we dare. . . Hmmm.  Todd, I like the couplets because it allowed me to breathe my way through the poem.  I did read it at least 5 times.
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Pier at Grand Haven

    Post  Karen on Sat Oct 29, 2016 11:21 am

    The couplets worked wonderfully for me.  Yay, meringue set straight now.

    Only two things I might change:  sharpened used twice, and the quotes around death nail

    I like death nail a great deal, and it lessened the impact for me that the quotes seemed to indicate I needed explanation.

    Tell about the new approach.  Either I'm not accustomed to your work enough to detect it, or I missed a reference somewhere.

    I like this poem immensely.  I want to emulate the form immediately.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    I'm lost

    Post  renee.barger on Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:36 am

    I like how the poem sounds, but I'm not sure if I got it.

    In the first stanza, I liked the image so quickly made in my mind. I really liked "wind-whipped like meringue." For some reason, "Dog and I" felt really abrupt for me, but I think it fits your style.

    Sorry, I'm not much help.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    At Grand Haven...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:26 pm

    Couplets, nice.  Helps the reader and I find a bit of hard music in this poem.  Sun sneaking in under heavy winter ... east or west if time of day is not a factor.  Still struggling over meaning.
    I like the dog part and the match... great contrasts offered at the end.  The match gives me a feeling of hope.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not great change

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 7:08 pm

    but does it help?

    Pier at Grand Haven

    Dog and I face west, look across
    ice, wind-whipped like meringue.  

    Should we dare to look up, even
    for a moment, sharpened points,

    Winter’s canines, sharpened
    by a lying sun from over east,

    perch ready to pierce our heads,
    pierce our hearts.  Even though

    the absence of warmth surrounds
    us, offering its “death nail”

    of welcome, we coax survival
    from a single strike of a match.

    --Todd Sukany 12 Oct 2016

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Not comparing, but reading it as you have it. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:05 pm

    Yes, this is better.  What if you just hyphenate death-nail?  No quote marks. Just a hyphen.  I like Dog and I. . . . as your first words.  I follow and see the hope.  Good job.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Rats

    Post  tsukany on Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:27 am

    Pat and Karen

    Thanks for the note on "death nail."  I got in a hurry and forgot that suggestion.

    Todd

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