Dewell's Poem

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Dewell's Poem

Post  Admin on Fri Oct 28, 2016 3:47 pm

Anyway here is the poem I'm working on wondering if I should delete the children stanza and perhaps add an opening stanza to set the stage... What do you think? (I don't have email addresses for the rest of the crew.)
 
 
In The Shadow of the Harvest Moon
 
Storm clouds gather on the horizon
Like old prayer beads on blue velvet.
 
Honey bees hurry, curtsy on late blossoms
Of aster, fireweed and wild rose
Drunk on the nectar of their own gods.
 
Life rushes by in sunlight, drags in overcast,
Autumn time wields a slotted spoon.
 
Barks are bobbing on ruffled pewter
Of the bay, sound and sea searching---
Cornucopia of delicacy for Madame’s plate.
 
Fat fowl rise from fields of grain stubble
Etch the sky over shortening days.

Children with shiny boots trace initials
On mail boxes, play hop-scotch
Over puddles filled with maple leafs.
 
Squirrels winnow the October woods,
Wind chimes ring amber and gold.
 
City lights beckon like confetti.  I take a deep
Breath of thankfulness to be home again
In the Great Pacific Northwest.
 
-Dewell H. Byrd

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From Dennis

Post  Admin on Fri Oct 28, 2016 6:13 pm

I think Dewell should make this couplets.

Leave out the following line:

Of aster, fireweed and wild rose 


  Cornucopia of delicacy for Madame’s plate.




 Children with shiny boots trace initials
          On mail boxes, play hop-scotch
          Over puddles filled with maple leafs.

[size=16]    In the Great Pacific Northwest.
[/size]




Dennis

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Agreeing with Dennis

Post  Pat on Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:04 pm

Couplets would be lovely and regular.  End with home again.
I don't know what it means:  drags in overcast????
Do you need "time" in line 7?
Next to last line:   maybe:  breath, thankful to be home again.
Lots of nice images here.

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Punctuation

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 29, 2016 8:05 am

Dewell,

I think the punctuation of "Of aster, fireweed and wild rose " is confusing.  without one or two commas, the wild rose is drunk.  I think stanza three suffers too.

I would cut the alliteration stanzas.  They seem to be trying too hard to be poetic language.

I would have an indefinite article in the title (Is there only one harvest moon in history?)  Smile

Do each of the stanzas represent the blessing of GNW or does stanza one set all others in opposition?  I wasn't sure how to process the poem.  Maybe a new title?

Hope you get back online soon.

Todd
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Re: Dewell's Poem

Post  Karen on Sat Oct 29, 2016 11:29 am

I appear late to the party of what small changes would make this more lovely.

Dewell, I campaign (forgive the verb) for the omission of the children, and also the exclusion of the first person in closing.

The wealth of images is a bit overpowering.  Perhaps a paring, even though the images are quite beautiful.

May The Geek Be With You soon.  Computer mayhem can be SO FRUSTRATING.

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Post  renee.barger on Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:18 am

I thought this poem was really pretty. It's the kind of poem I would love to able to write but can't find the words to be that creative and unique. 

After I read the other's comments, I read the poem with only the couplets, and I really liked it. I liked the children stanza, but I agree to cut it out. I felt my mind switch when I got to that stanza. 

Nothing new to add. I really liked this poem.
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To those who would cut the children

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:30 am

Dewell et al.

I like the children in the poem.  What if they are stanza one?  

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Dewell's Poem

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:50 pm

In The Shadow of a Harvest Moon
 
Storm clouds gather on the horizon
Like old prayer beads on blue velvet.

Children with shiny boots play hop-scotch
Over puddles filled with maple leafs.

Honey bees hurry, curtsy on late blossoms
Drunk on the nectar of their own gods.

Life rushes by in dapples of sunlight;
Autumn wields a slotted spoon.

Barks bobble on the ruffled pewter
Of the bay, sound and sea, searching---

Fat fowl rise from fields of grain stubble
Etch the sky over shortening days.

Squirrels winnow the October woods,
Wind chimes ring amber and gold.

City lights, like confetti, beckon,
Welcome me home again

In the Great Pacific Northwest.
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Title change

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:51 pm

Dewell

What about flipping the title and the last line?  I don't get any push from the current last line.

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I see how the two could be flipped.

Post  Pat on Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:16 pm

Northwest is physical location, easy to follow. 
Shadow of the moon. . .  nice closure.

I like storm clouds being first, before children, before bees, etc.  It's the setting:  it's the sky, it's above, it's bigness.  Just a preference.  All things listed are life and important.  Probably no right way or wrong way on this is my thinking.

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I definitely like the couplets!

Post  Pat on Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:18 pm

Easy to read.

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