The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Dewell's Poem

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    Admin
    Admin

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    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dewell's Poem

    Post  Admin on Fri Oct 28, 2016 3:47 pm

    Anyway here is the poem I'm working on wondering if I should delete the children stanza and perhaps add an opening stanza to set the stage... What do you think? (I don't have email addresses for the rest of the crew.)
     
     
    In The Shadow of the Harvest Moon
     
    Storm clouds gather on the horizon
    Like old prayer beads on blue velvet.
     
    Honey bees hurry, curtsy on late blossoms
    Of aster, fireweed and wild rose
    Drunk on the nectar of their own gods.
     
    Life rushes by in sunlight, drags in overcast,
    Autumn time wields a slotted spoon.
     
    Barks are bobbing on ruffled pewter
    Of the bay, sound and sea searching---
    Cornucopia of delicacy for Madame’s plate.
     
    Fat fowl rise from fields of grain stubble
    Etch the sky over shortening days.

    Children with shiny boots trace initials
    On mail boxes, play hop-scotch
    Over puddles filled with maple leafs.
     
    Squirrels winnow the October woods,
    Wind chimes ring amber and gold.
     
    City lights beckon like confetti.  I take a deep
    Breath of thankfulness to be home again
    In the Great Pacific Northwest.
     
    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Admin
    Admin

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    From Dennis

    Post  Admin on Fri Oct 28, 2016 6:13 pm

    I think Dewell should make this couplets.

    Leave out the following line:

    Of aster, fireweed and wild rose 


      Cornucopia of delicacy for Madame’s plate.




     Children with shiny boots trace initials
              On mail boxes, play hop-scotch
              Over puddles filled with maple leafs.

    [size=16]    In the Great Pacific Northwest.
    [/size]




    Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Agreeing with Dennis

    Post  Pat on Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:04 pm

    Couplets would be lovely and regular.  End with home again.
    I don't know what it means:  drags in overcast????
    Do you need "time" in line 7?
    Next to last line:   maybe:  breath, thankful to be home again.
    Lots of nice images here.
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    tsukany

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    Punctuation

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 29, 2016 8:05 am

    Dewell,

    I think the punctuation of "Of aster, fireweed and wild rose " is confusing.  without one or two commas, the wild rose is drunk.  I think stanza three suffers too.

    I would cut the alliteration stanzas.  They seem to be trying too hard to be poetic language.

    I would have an indefinite article in the title (Is there only one harvest moon in history?)  Smile

    Do each of the stanzas represent the blessing of GNW or does stanza one set all others in opposition?  I wasn't sure how to process the poem.  Maybe a new title?

    Hope you get back online soon.

    Todd
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    Karen

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    Re: Dewell's Poem

    Post  Karen on Sat Oct 29, 2016 11:29 am

    I appear late to the party of what small changes would make this more lovely.

    Dewell, I campaign (forgive the verb) for the omission of the children, and also the exclusion of the first person in closing.

    The wealth of images is a bit overpowering.  Perhaps a paring, even though the images are quite beautiful.

    May The Geek Be With You soon.  Computer mayhem can be SO FRUSTRATING.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    No new comments

    Post  renee.barger on Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:18 am

    I thought this poem was really pretty. It's the kind of poem I would love to able to write but can't find the words to be that creative and unique. 

    After I read the other's comments, I read the poem with only the couplets, and I really liked it. I liked the children stanza, but I agree to cut it out. I felt my mind switch when I got to that stanza. 

    Nothing new to add. I really liked this poem.
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    tsukany

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    To those who would cut the children

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:30 am

    Dewell et al.

    I like the children in the poem.  What if they are stanza one?  

    Todd
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    tsukany

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    Dewell's Poem

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:50 pm

    In The Shadow of a Harvest Moon
     
    Storm clouds gather on the horizon
    Like old prayer beads on blue velvet.

    Children with shiny boots play hop-scotch
    Over puddles filled with maple leafs.

    Honey bees hurry, curtsy on late blossoms
    Drunk on the nectar of their own gods.

    Life rushes by in dapples of sunlight;
    Autumn wields a slotted spoon.

    Barks bobble on the ruffled pewter
    Of the bay, sound and sea, searching---

    Fat fowl rise from fields of grain stubble
    Etch the sky over shortening days.

    Squirrels winnow the October woods,
    Wind chimes ring amber and gold.

    City lights, like confetti, beckon,
    Welcome me home again

    In the Great Pacific Northwest.
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    tsukany

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    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Title change

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:51 pm

    Dewell

    What about flipping the title and the last line?  I don't get any push from the current last line.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I see how the two could be flipped.

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:16 pm

    Northwest is physical location, easy to follow. 
    Shadow of the moon. . .  nice closure.

    I like storm clouds being first, before children, before bees, etc.  It's the setting:  it's the sky, it's above, it's bigness.  Just a preference.  All things listed are life and important.  Probably no right way or wrong way on this is my thinking.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I definitely like the couplets!

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:18 pm

    Easy to read.

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