The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    An April Evening

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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    An April Evening

    Post  renee.barger on Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:46 am

    Sorry I'm late this month. 


    An April Evening

    Perching on this garden wall, I wonder how I could have forgotten.
    The light breeze soothes my brow and brushes stray bangs away.
    As the sleepy sun passes by, it pats my skin.
    A chorus of birds in distant trees exchange lullabies.

    I had forgotten
    among books, pages, calculators, pencils, and large pink erasers
    how deep peace can reach.

    And in that perfect stillness, I remember
    the purpose of my wall of books;
    I hear the quiet voice,
    "Wouldn’t it be nice if you had a sweetheart

    to sneak up behind you
    capture you in his arms
    force a giggle fit
    and end the perfect silence."


    I hush the voice.
    Be still, O my soul.

    _____________________________
    By Renee Barger
    Updated: September 13, 2016

    “Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!” –Psalm 46:10 (ESV)
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    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: An April Evening

    Post  Karen on Mon Oct 31, 2016 4:34 pm

    This captured the wistfulness of the April evening very well for me.

    Two things gave me pause:

    The sun "patting" skin.

    The words spoken by the quiet voice seemed at odds with "Be still, O my soul".  Not the content, but the style of the quiet voice.  It seemed too colloquial, too conversational.  The voice wouldn't have to speak as formally as "Be still, O my soul", but a plainer style would suit me better.

    I liked the birds exchanging lullabies very much.

    I am 40 years from this feeling, but you brought it right back to me.  Thank you for that.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    An April Evening

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:17 pm

    Yes... that description of the setting resonated with my memory.  The peace and calmness of much of the poem felt just right to soothe the frantic pace of books and schedules.
    That last line doesn't fit for me.  Breaks the style, the voice of the poem.  Maybe consider deleting that ending.  Nice work.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Chop Chop

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:58 pm

    Renee

    For me the poem ended with "how deep peace can reach."

    If you cut all the rest of the poem, you can examine line breaks at the top.

    The bottom of the poem reads more like a "note to self" from a journal.  I think it's another poem on its own. 

    I really like the tone the poem carries in mystery.  Well done.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I think all my thoughts are already said.

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:32 pm

    If it's about an April Evening, I think you have it in the first 2 stanzas.  Renee, what kind of birds are singing when the sun goes down?  I don't have those birds here where I live,  only crows cawing.   I could connect to crickets or tree frogs though.  When the sun goes down, maybe birds sing, but I don't know what kind they would be.  Hoot owls?  They call back and forth. 

    Maybe you do have two poems.  The first one just reports what you see/hear and admits the forgotten peace.

    It's enough.

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