The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

    Post  Karen on Fri Nov 25, 2016 11:13 am

    I keep throwing this away, then retrieving it for more work.  Your thoughts?


    here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

    morning chime
    yours then mine
    metronome
    up we’re up

    feet to floor
    bedroom door
    pick up late-night litter
    clothes

    brief
    our domesticity
    cacophony
    coffee talk
    tick-tock walk
    hello
    hello

    kitchen counter
    counterpoint
    gather scattered
    papers, bags
    off we’re off
    goodbye
    goodbye

    necessity
    our melody

    occasionally
    we harmonize
    enough
    enough

    it is enough
    of life’s own stuff
    to gratify
    to satisfy

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Smiling at your poem

    Post  Pat on Sat Nov 26, 2016 8:38 am

    Reminds me of Dr. Seuss.  Meter and rhyme.  Love the title. Fun poem.  I do not think you need the last stanza.  A little on the moralizing or preachy side.  Thank you for the lightness.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    here's your hat

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:49 am

    Karen,  I like the repetition and the lower case and the lack of punctuation.  Second stanza is my favorite.  Try deleting   it is  in the last stanza... that might take away some of the preachiness.
    Good work!  I take off my hat to your poem.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

    Post  Karen on Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:40 pm

    You two!  You've pulled my fat from the fire.

    Last stanza is outta here.   I like the poem worlds better without it.

    Funny.  The poem began as a discordant observation: wistful + annoyed.  Why must we always hurry?  As I worked with the poem, I ditched those notes for pragmatism.

    We hurry because life is full.  Thank God, life is full.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Missing music

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 28, 2016 5:23 am

    Karen

    I miss the music of the poem in stanza four. 

    Stanza three seems awkward to put hellos after the conversations.  I would cut the hellos.  I would add fun by making brief plural (makes it descriptive and hints to the satisfy of the last stanza)  Polysyllabic words of stanza three defeat the tone for me.  (can't say them in a hurry)

    I agree with Dewell, cut "It is" of final stanza

    Good fun in this offering

    Todd

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