here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

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here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

Post  Karen on Fri Nov 25, 2016 11:13 am

I keep throwing this away, then retrieving it for more work.  Your thoughts?


here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

morning chime
yours then mine
metronome
up we’re up

feet to floor
bedroom door
pick up late-night litter
clothes

brief
our domesticity
cacophony
coffee talk
tick-tock walk
hello
hello

kitchen counter
counterpoint
gather scattered
papers, bags
off we’re off
goodbye
goodbye

necessity
our melody

occasionally
we harmonize
enough
enough

it is enough
of life’s own stuff
to gratify
to satisfy
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Karen

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Smiling at your poem

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 26, 2016 8:38 am

Reminds me of Dr. Seuss.  Meter and rhyme.  Love the title. Fun poem.  I do not think you need the last stanza.  A little on the moralizing or preachy side.  Thank you for the lightness.

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here's your hat

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:49 am

Karen,  I like the repetition and the lower case and the lack of punctuation.  Second stanza is my favorite.  Try deleting   it is  in the last stanza... that might take away some of the preachiness.
Good work!  I take off my hat to your poem.  Dewell

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Re: here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

Post  Karen on Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:40 pm

You two!  You've pulled my fat from the fire.

Last stanza is outta here.   I like the poem worlds better without it.

Funny.  The poem began as a discordant observation: wistful + annoyed.  Why must we always hurry?  As I worked with the poem, I ditched those notes for pragmatism.

We hurry because life is full.  Thank God, life is full.
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Missing music

Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 28, 2016 5:23 am

Karen

I miss the music of the poem in stanza four. 

Stanza three seems awkward to put hellos after the conversations.  I would cut the hellos.  I would add fun by making brief plural (makes it descriptive and hints to the satisfy of the last stanza)  Polysyllabic words of stanza three defeat the tone for me.  (can't say them in a hurry)

I agree with Dewell, cut "It is" of final stanza

Good fun in this offering

Todd
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