The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Old poem, refurbished.

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Old poem, refurbished.

    Post  Pat on Fri Nov 25, 2016 6:24 pm

    Maternity
     
    My child, for me it is a time
    of waiting, embracing, sacrificing.
    My body, everchanging—
    first a tiny period, a dot, a spot,
    but now you grow.
    A heartbeat drumming.
     
    You live in my roomy womb,
    and you listen to your brother and me
    chatter and sing to you the way
    one talks through a closed door.
     
    You, invisible and mute,
    but feel my hand on your warm wall.
     
    A tiny movement.
    Under my thin skin, you are
    my blood, my flesh, my bone.
    You are what’s happening
    inside my miracle mountain.
     
    I am sheepish and helpless
    as you feel your way through the dark.
    I smile, knowing one day
    we will say hello.
     
    Meanwhile, I don’t know
    if tomorrow is winter
    or Monday or June.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Maternity

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:23 am

    Pat,  I don't get that last stanza... is it the birthing?  The poem seems to be more about the beginning and sharing with brother, etc.  I get the warmth, mystery and joy the poem shares... nice.  You might delete   period  to help focus and shorten this series.  And delete the word  but  in stanza #3...
    If first stanza is about conception and the last one about birthing that is too much of a leap for me.  But then I may have missed something here not having a stretched uterus. 
    I like that mountain part and the chatting and singing... nice.  Dewell
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Old poem, refurbished.

    Post  Karen on Sat Nov 26, 2016 7:13 pm

    Dewell, you're not a woman.  The last stanza?  Oh yes.  It's the one that tears the joint down.  The protagonist is lost in the new world inside her own body.  The exterior world?  It could be anything.

    Pat, I still want a bit of paring.

    ... first a tiny period, a dot, a spot ... Reduce to ... first a dot, a spot ...?

    And I either want

    You, invisible and mute,
    feel my hand on your warm wall.


    or

    You are invisible and mute,
    but feel my hand on your warm wall.


    The current configuration hits me a bit off.

    Dewell, no criticism meant by judging you unwomanly.  I also find men quite lovely.

    I like this poem, Pat.  Of course I wish to give it a trim, but that's just me.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not convinced of these line breaks

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 27, 2016 7:48 am

    Maternity
     
    My child, for me it is a time
    of waiting, embracing, sacrificing.
    My body, ever-changing:
    first a tiny period, a dot, a spot,
    but now you grow.

    A heartbeat drumming.
    A tiny movement.
    Under my thin skin
    you are what’s happening,
    my miracle mountain.

    You live in my roomy womb,
    and listen to your brother and me
    chatter and sing--the way
    one talks through a closed door.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I am always amazed.

    Post  Pat on Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:08 pm

    What I question keeping needs to go.  I am laughing.  This is so fun.  So when I question it, I need to throw it out.  Yes, I really do. 
    Just like cleaning out my book shelf.  I need to give some books away, but I think I might need them.  Nope, they need to go.  Funny.
    Thank you, both of you.  I like what you did to the poem, Todd.  Thank you.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Old poem, refurbished.

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Dec 13, 2018 1:20 am