The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Working still with sound within lines

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Working still with sound within lines

    Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 30, 2012 7:12 am

    FROM FAR OFF

    and just below the moon
    I see brightness in the southeast
    then the dippers
    other lesser stars

    and I am pleased to live
    in the country
    away from parking lot glow
    in this world of welcome
    walking my dog at 1:31
    in a space without lamp poles

    in a place where I know those
    who think me strange


    Last edited by tsukany on Fri Mar 30, 2012 4:19 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Applying Dennis' suggestions (as best I can) <grin>)

    dennis20
    Guest

    Re: Working still with sound within lines

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Mar 30, 2012 2:22 pm

     

    Sounds--  I see an over use of "in the"  and "in a" Probably wouldn't have been as noticable if it had been a longer poem.  The imagery is good.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I follow and track this poem. . .easily.

    Post  Pat on Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:48 am

    I like the simplicity of it.

    Do you need the in front of dippers?

    I question the need for and at the beginning of the second stanza. Do you need it? Or could you begin a new thought?

    pleased? I think we can do better than that. What does that mean? It's a blah word to me. Does that mean you feel like a pilot star? Hey, Todd, what if you played with the -ar sound in this poem? Pull out the rhyming dictionary and go after it. star, afar, pilot star, north star (you could be a north star! singular. on and on. It would add to this poem, I think, and you are after the sound. : ) Just some playful thinking.

    And when I read country, I did not think of countryside like you meant it, I thought of the USA, so I need something more: just add something that helps me, the reader, to read it as you mean it.

    Closure: this is the perfect place, me thinks, for you to call yourself something other than strange. Maybe an -ar word? sun star? other than popular? a side car . . . no, not that, but you get the idea. a night star? a daystar?

    Stay with it: you have the makings of a great poem here. Get into your playful side (which shouldn't be hard for you to do : ) and play.

    There you are: my nickel opinion. Look forward to seeing you in Eureka. . . . Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Sound Within Lines

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:39 am

    Todd, Yes. I agree with Pat... country vs countryside. I like the economy of words and how that keeps me focused. Also, lamp poles and dogs? ... as to sounds within lines: seems you nailed that without over-riding meaning with too much sound. Some real nice images herein. The suggestion of passage of time in S #1 causes me to relax, read slowly, and enjoy the night walk. Thanks for sharing this poem. Dewell

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