The Last Friday

Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.
The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


+2
Karen
Dennis2012
6 posters

    Twas the last day of deer season...

    avatar
    Dennis2012


    Posts : 17
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Twas the last day of deer season...

    Post  Dennis2012 Sat Dec 31, 2016 8:40 pm

    Good Friends,  I have completed my annual 3 month deer hunting and have returned none the worse for wear.  (at least I think so)  Below is one of my deer stand scrawls.  I would like your imput on how best to arrange the lines of the best impact. Although it is a few hours early, let me wish you one and all, "Happy New Year!"


    No Bungie
     
    The moon drags darkness like a sailor drags a boat.
    Stars are a filmy mist rising after a cold rain.
    An ancient iron bridge lends a shoulder for sorrow.
    Slow currents lace salty tears to reeds on shallows.
    Your resounding “no” was the patter of feet
    on indoor-outdoor carpet, soft, without echo.  
    A splash in darkness weaves waves for a mute heart.
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Re: Twas the last day of deer season...

    Post  Karen Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 pm

    The first line kills me.  Love it.

    Everything else suits me with two exceptions.  The title sets me up as I need to be, but I don't like Bungie.  Indoor-outdoor carpet also smacks me back to the modern world.

    The rest of the poem has a timeless mournful quality I love.  Would you consider substitutions for these two interlopers?
    avatar
    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Last Day Of Deer Season

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:41 pm

    Mournful, indeed!  Rather like suicide by jumping off the bridge (or deer stand).
    Very contemplative... a little minor key music, please.  I like that solid last line which may suggest a better title to the piece.  If you sit in that tree-stand all day unable to see another human being strange thoughts may weave...
    Thanks for sharing... Dewell
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Dennis!

    Post  tsukany Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:34 am

    Dennis so pleased to see your name (though I like Ben just fine)

    This is not a deer hunting poem, right?

    I took the liberty of creating couplets to see what is in each line.

    No Bungie
     
    The moon drags darkness
    like a sailor drags a boat.

    A splash rows
    waves over a mute heart.

    An ancient iron bridge
    lends a shoulder for sorrow.

    Stars are a filmy mist
    rising after a cold rain.

    Your resounding “no”
    was the patter of feet

    on dappled carpet,
    soft, without echo.
    renee.barger
    renee.barger


    Posts : 218
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Awesome

    Post  renee.barger Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:04 pm

    I loved so many things about this poem. The images were so vivid, and I agree with Dewell, I could almost hear minor music playing. I feel like I could keep rereading these lines and not get tired of it.

    The only thing that felt "off" to me was "Your resounding “no” was." I wasn't expecting the switch in person or the different verb tense. Maybe that was done on purpose, but if so, I didn't understand why.

    Other than that, two thumbs up!
    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Just now seeing this poem.

    Post  Pat Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:45 am

    I won't repeat what everyone else has said.  I like the couplets because it is easier to read.
    Beautiful images.  What would you say to changing drags in line 2 to dragging?  Todd's rendition of it appeals to me.  Everything seems daydreamy.  I like that.  There is a little jerk in me though with the title and modern terms.  Enjoyed the imagery and pattering
    avatar
    Dennis2012


    Posts : 17
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty He swings thru the air with the greatest of ...

    Post  Dennis2012 Thu Jan 05, 2017 1:58 pm

    Gang,   Thank you for so many good ideas for this poem.  I couldn't come up with a better title which I thought would get everyone to the scene as well as the word bungie since we often see those brave souls launching off bridges.  But I had more in mind for this "rejected" soul than a quick spring back. I wanted the picture to be there without actually saying he/she jumped. (well, it could have been someone of the female persuasion)  
    I like the couplets, but it doesn't complete the picture for me.  Maybe, the iron bridge part isn't near enough to the end for me to picture what is comtemplated.  I love the dappled carpet.  I search my miserly can of adjectives and failed.  I was thinking more of being quiet thus making the picture more about the noise than the color. Good word. Thank you one and all.

    Sponsored content


    Twas the last day of deer season... Empty Re: Twas the last day of deer season...

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Mar 29, 2024 1:23 am