The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    quickly now

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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    quickly now

    Post  Karen on Mon Dec 26, 2016 6:46 pm

    This came flying out in a moment.

    quickly now

    driving to work

    I see the blackbird
    swoop
    fall
    onto the road
    struggling
    thrashing
    a fight?  no
    alone

    behind me

    the truck
    swerves
    to hit
    or miss it

    too far back
    to tell

    clocking in

    I hear sweet song
    from that small tree
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    The Article Challenge

    Post  tsukany on Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:09 am

    Karen,

    _Poet's Market_ asked us (a few issues back) to examine every definite article.  Is it THE blackbird and THE truck?

    I would title this "driving to work" and cut "quickly now" and the last two lines of stanza one.

    My two cents.  Smile

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Quickly

    Post  Pat on Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:44 pm

    Karen, I always enjoy your format.  This one really fits for a highway poem.  I like Todd's suggestion on the title change.  It would serve the poem well. I like the word thrashing.  I can see that, but struggling is so general.  What if you used thrashing and maybe two other descriptive words full of action like flipping, cartwheels, etc  The ? threw me off.  I got it when I reread it. It sort of ended for me at clocking in.  If you are on a highway, would you actually be able to hear a bird in a tree?  unless you pull over?  I think it has great potential.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: quickly now

    Post  Karen on Thu Dec 29, 2016 6:33 pm

    Todd, I like your suggestions.  Especially the examination of articles.  And you made me go check out Poet's Market.  Dang.  Where have I been and how have I missed it?  Much more than 2 cents worth. 

    Pat, you've given me some insight.  I'm shopping for a more specific word to replace struggling.  You also showed me I need to set my scene better.  The events up to "clocking in" are on a semi-rural two-lane road.  "Clocking in" is meant to change the scene to the workplace and punching the time clock.  Then hearing a blackbird outside my window.  Working on it!

    Thanks, y'all.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    quickly now

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:51 pm

    Yes, fun format... fits with multi-task of driving.  Struggling is enough for me.  And those two lines with the ? do need to go.  I like the ending if you prop it up a bit with...later at work... and ...outside the window.  Karen, I find some real life excitement in this poem... and mystery, too.  Thanks for offering it.  Dewell

    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    A bird in the hand and all that

    Post  Dennis2012 on Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:35 pm

    A is the better article for bird, but the for road keeps me more in the moment of what is transpiring.  I like the picture.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I see the picture and the conflict you present.   I would replace ing words if possible.  I like how you resolve the conflict with the song through the open window.I've cut and pasted this so I hope it comes out.




    on the way to work





    I see a blackbird 
    swoop, 
    fall in the road 
    struggle
    thrash





    behind me

    a truck 
    swerves 


    too far back 
    to tell--

    a hit 
    a miss 





    later,
    at work




    sweet trills
    from tree




    outside an
    open window
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Loved it

    Post  renee.barger on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:36 pm

    Hi, Karen

    Sorry I'm late to comment. I mostly agree with everyone else's comments. I understood the change of scene in your original poem from the road to the workplace by the line "clocking in," but I can see how adding more descriptions would make it clearer for the reader. My favorite word/line was "thrashing." So very vivid for me. I also agree that the title didn't do much for me. Other than that, I loved it! This poem was a lot of fun for me. Smile

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    Re: quickly now

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