quickly now

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quickly now

Post  Karen on Mon Dec 26, 2016 6:46 pm

This came flying out in a moment.

quickly now

driving to work

I see the blackbird
swoop
fall
onto the road
struggling
thrashing
a fight?  no
alone

behind me

the truck
swerves
to hit
or miss it

too far back
to tell

clocking in

I hear sweet song
from that small tree

Karen

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The Article Challenge

Post  tsukany on Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:09 am

Karen,

_Poet's Market_ asked us (a few issues back) to examine every definite article.  Is it THE blackbird and THE truck?

I would title this "driving to work" and cut "quickly now" and the last two lines of stanza one.

My two cents.  Smile

Todd
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Quickly

Post  Pat on Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:44 pm

Karen, I always enjoy your format.  This one really fits for a highway poem.  I like Todd's suggestion on the title change.  It would serve the poem well. I like the word thrashing.  I can see that, but struggling is so general.  What if you used thrashing and maybe two other descriptive words full of action like flipping, cartwheels, etc  The ? threw me off.  I got it when I reread it. It sort of ended for me at clocking in.  If you are on a highway, would you actually be able to hear a bird in a tree?  unless you pull over?  I think it has great potential.

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Re: quickly now

Post  Karen on Thu Dec 29, 2016 6:33 pm

Todd, I like your suggestions.  Especially the examination of articles.  And you made me go check out Poet's Market.  Dang.  Where have I been and how have I missed it?  Much more than 2 cents worth. 

Pat, you've given me some insight.  I'm shopping for a more specific word to replace struggling.  You also showed me I need to set my scene better.  The events up to "clocking in" are on a semi-rural two-lane road.  "Clocking in" is meant to change the scene to the workplace and punching the time clock.  Then hearing a blackbird outside my window.  Working on it!

Thanks, y'all.

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quickly now

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:51 pm

Yes, fun format... fits with multi-task of driving.  Struggling is enough for me.  And those two lines with the ? do need to go.  I like the ending if you prop it up a bit with...later at work... and ...outside the window.  Karen, I find some real life excitement in this poem... and mystery, too.  Thanks for offering it.  Dewell

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A bird in the hand and all that

Post  Dennis2012 on Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:35 pm

A is the better article for bird, but the for road keeps me more in the moment of what is transpiring.  I like the picture.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I see the picture and the conflict you present.   I would replace ing words if possible.  I like how you resolve the conflict with the song through the open window.I've cut and pasted this so I hope it comes out.




on the way to work





I see a blackbird 
swoop, 
fall in the road 
struggle
thrash





behind me

a truck 
swerves 


too far back 
to tell--

a hit 
a miss 





later,
at work




sweet trills
from tree




outside an
open window

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Loved it

Post  renee.barger on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:36 pm

Hi, Karen

Sorry I'm late to comment. I mostly agree with everyone else's comments. I understood the change of scene in your original poem from the road to the workplace by the line "clocking in," but I can see how adding more descriptions would make it clearer for the reader. My favorite word/line was "thrashing." So very vivid for me. I also agree that the title didn't do much for me. Other than that, I loved it! This poem was a lot of fun for me. Smile
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Re: quickly now

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