The Last Friday

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    ROADKILL ETIQUETTE

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ROADKILL ETIQUETTE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Dec 27, 2016 3:52 pm

    This started out to be a nice, simple poem but somewhere I seem to have lost it.  Can you rescue it and me?  Dewell

    ROADKILL ETIQUETTE

    They call a gathering of the murder
    ___as ravens often do___
    about roadkill scavenger etiquette

    and appropriate bib and tuck
    for blacktop red-plate special
    while dodging eighteen wheelers.

    They prance, hop and strut
    about, heads tipped sideways
    as if mystery lay in the pecking order.

    Once the queue is complete, where
    to begin becomes the issue.
    Eyes first, of course, always the eyes.

    Soft underbelly, napkined just so,
    is the filet mignon with gulps
    and gurgles.  Fur and bones

    are left as appetizers for cousins
    crow who flock as if the kill
    were a boardinghouse buffet.

         -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Perhaps

    Post  tsukany on Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:05 am

    Dewell

    It seems to me that you have complicated the story at the beginning.  Rather than begin the poem a pronoun, why not start with the noun, ravens.  I had to read the first few lines five or six times to discern the sense.

    May be other lines are the same.  Then end with the introduction of the crows.

    I would like to see another version before going into the rest of the lines.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Roadkill

    Post  Pat on Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:25 pm

    Dewell, I wonder if you start with S 3.  Just let the first word be Ravens. (Maybe the first 2 stanzas are really you getting ready to write the poem.  How often I do this!)   
    The first two stanzas seem like editorializing.  What if you just report what you see from s 3 on to the end of the poem.
    Maybe invert crow and cousins.
    I'd consider changing who flock in last stanza to flocking.
    Title makes a lot of things clear.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: ROADKILL ETIQUETTE

    Post  Karen on Thu Dec 29, 2016 6:59 pm

    The first stanza threw me off, too.  I'm CRAZY about almost everything else.  Here’s my ha’penny.

    New title: Ravens.

    New first stanza

    Roadkill etiquette:
    appropriate bib and tuck
    for blacktop red-plate special.
    (cut while dodging eighteen wheelers)

    Also, like Pat, I wanted a word swap

    are left as appetizers for crows,

    cousins who flock as if the kill

    I love blacktop red-plate special, the eyes, and napkined just so.

    Yeah.  I'm crazy about this poem, Dewell.

    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    Something to crow about

    Post  Dennis2012 on Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:54 pm

    Dewell,  Your southern country boy really shines on this one.  I've seen this and it makes me wonder if you are a bird watcher with binoculars to get this kind of detail with such accruacy. I'm not sure if you intended to use the word "murder" as reference to a flock of crows, but they are called a "Murder." I do think you need to listen to the other suggestions and I would like to see the rewrite.  Mundane events of life just that to everyone but poets.
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Just some thoughts

    Post  renee.barger on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:19 pm

    I personally liked the title "Roadkill Etiquette" because it definitely grabbed my attention and curiosity. If you changed the title to Raven as some suggested, my mind would go to Edgar Allen Poe.

    As others have said, the first stanza felt like deadweight to me. I liked the second stanza, especially the line, "while dodging eighteen wheelers." It made me grin, because I knew exactly what you were talking about.

    The poem was a little gross (since it's about roadkill), but I liked it. Creatively done! I'm excited to see an updated version.

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