The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Osteoporosis

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Osteoporosis

    Post  Pat on Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:25 am

    Down to the bone this Thursday at the end of 2016.  Whatever critique you've got left in you at the end of the year, I'll take it.   Thanks and Happy New Year! 



    Osteoporosis
     
    It is three in the morning.
    I pour myself a glass of milk
    and drink it slowly.
    At the bottom of the glass,
    white bubbles—
    like honeycomb, a multitude of o’s,
    an x-ray of osteoporosis.
     
    Two days ago
    I took a bone density test.
    For the first time ever,
    I looked upon the insides of
    hip bones and spine.
    What I saw was divine.
    Man could not make what I saw.
     
    At this moment,
    I want to stand up straight
    in the heart of my kitchen,
    lift my glass high
    like the Statue of Liberty
    holds her torch,
    toasting a big God
    and those wonderful old cronies
    in this world who still frolic
    or limp along
    inside their bones,
    fragile or not.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Three for one?

    Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 30, 2016 6:11 am

    Pat,

    The title gives so much away that I feel the poem ends at the first stanza.

    Poem/stanza two is meant as a transition into poem three, but it feels pretty heavy-handed.  (Might be less-so if the last line were cut.)

    Poem/stanza three holds more energy than the two above.  I wonder if it can sit under a title that is larger than a specific test/result?  That might let others in to its joy and elation.

    I am lobbying for three distinct poems.  Well done.

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Osteoporosis

    Post  Karen on Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:45 pm

    Yep.  I agree with Todd that the title gives too much away.

    My thought: cut the entire second stanza.  I know, I know, I know.  I liked the poem a lot before I considered monkeying with it, but I liked it more with the cut.

    Title possibility:  Down to the Bone.

    My bones salute your bones as we begin another year together.

    No bones about it.

    Stopping now before the bone idioms get any worse.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Great ideas.

    Post  Pat on Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:50 pm

    Thank you!!!!  and Happy New Year!!!!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    OSTEOPOROSIS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:41 pm

    I like most of this poem, pat.  Karen's title is helpful.  Some squeezing of extra words would make it sound more poetic.  An alternative to cutting last line of S #2 would be to add "alone" after man.  Try that.  If you make multiple poems of this my favorite would be # 2.
    I, too, felt a miracle was depicted in Elsa's X-rays.  Good start.  Lots of fodder in this poem to work with.  Dewell

    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    ankle bone connected to the leg bone

    Post  Dennis2012 on Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:44 pm

    Pat,  Great poem. That said, I agree that title gives it away.  I like the bone title in some form or fashion. You pick it. You might try reversing the last two lines of s.2.  I think that would convey your point. I like all three stanzas.  S. 2 does a nice job bridging 1&3 together.
    avatar
    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Not much new to add

    Post  renee.barger on Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:28 pm

    Sorry I'm late to the discussion. I enjoyed this poem because it felt very relatable, and I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. The only place I hesitated was "I want to stand up straight." Does this mean she wants to but can't? If not, maybe change it to, "I stand up straight"? Might make it even that more bold in that last stanza. Just a thought.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Hi Renee

    Post  Pat on Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:27 am

    Good idea.  Good to have you back.  Thanks everyone.  Appreciate all the help.

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