The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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tsukany
Pat
6 posters

    Osteoporosis

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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Osteoporosis Empty Osteoporosis

    Post  Pat Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:25 am

    Down to the bone this Thursday at the end of 2016.  Whatever critique you've got left in you at the end of the year, I'll take it.   Thanks and Happy New Year! 



    Osteoporosis
     
    It is three in the morning.
    I pour myself a glass of milk
    and drink it slowly.
    At the bottom of the glass,
    white bubbles—
    like honeycomb, a multitude of o’s,
    an x-ray of osteoporosis.
     
    Two days ago
    I took a bone density test.
    For the first time ever,
    I looked upon the insides of
    hip bones and spine.
    What I saw was divine.
    Man could not make what I saw.
     
    At this moment,
    I want to stand up straight
    in the heart of my kitchen,
    lift my glass high
    like the Statue of Liberty
    holds her torch,
    toasting a big God
    and those wonderful old cronies
    in this world who still frolic
    or limp along
    inside their bones,
    fragile or not.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Osteoporosis Empty Three for one?

    Post  tsukany Fri Dec 30, 2016 6:11 am

    Pat,

    The title gives so much away that I feel the poem ends at the first stanza.

    Poem/stanza two is meant as a transition into poem three, but it feels pretty heavy-handed.  (Might be less-so if the last line were cut.)

    Poem/stanza three holds more energy than the two above.  I wonder if it can sit under a title that is larger than a specific test/result?  That might let others in to its joy and elation.

    I am lobbying for three distinct poems.  Well done.

    Todd
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock

    Osteoporosis Empty Re: Osteoporosis

    Post  Karen Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:45 pm

    Yep.  I agree with Todd that the title gives too much away.

    My thought: cut the entire second stanza.  I know, I know, I know.  I liked the poem a lot before I considered monkeying with it, but I liked it more with the cut.

    Title possibility:  Down to the Bone.

    My bones salute your bones as we begin another year together.

    No bones about it.

    Stopping now before the bone idioms get any worse.
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Osteoporosis Empty Great ideas.

    Post  Pat Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:50 pm

    Thank you!!!!  and Happy New Year!!!!
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Osteoporosis Empty OSTEOPOROSIS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:41 pm

    I like most of this poem, pat.  Karen's title is helpful.  Some squeezing of extra words would make it sound more poetic.  An alternative to cutting last line of S #2 would be to add "alone" after man.  Try that.  If you make multiple poems of this my favorite would be # 2.
    I, too, felt a miracle was depicted in Elsa's X-rays.  Good start.  Lots of fodder in this poem to work with.  Dewell
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    Dennis2012


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    Join date : 2012-01-11

    Osteoporosis Empty ankle bone connected to the leg bone

    Post  Dennis2012 Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:44 pm

    Pat,  Great poem. That said, I agree that title gives it away.  I like the bone title in some form or fashion. You pick it. You might try reversing the last two lines of s.2.  I think that would convey your point. I like all three stanzas.  S. 2 does a nice job bridging 1&3 together.
    renee.barger
    renee.barger


    Posts : 218
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Osteoporosis Empty Not much new to add

    Post  renee.barger Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:28 pm

    Sorry I'm late to the discussion. I enjoyed this poem because it felt very relatable, and I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. The only place I hesitated was "I want to stand up straight." Does this mean she wants to but can't? If not, maybe change it to, "I stand up straight"? Might make it even that more bold in that last stanza. Just a thought.
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    Pat


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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Osteoporosis Empty Hi Renee

    Post  Pat Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:27 am

    Good idea.  Good to have you back.  Thanks everyone.  Appreciate all the help.

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    Osteoporosis Empty Re: Osteoporosis

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