The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    What is the difference?

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    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    What is the difference?

    Post  Dennis2012 on Thu Jan 26, 2017 9:51 am

    Is the picture clear enough?

    Aleppo
     
    Bang, bang, of the semi’s
    welcome in the New Year.
    Dead and dying and wounded
    laid low and hurting.
     
    Incoming! strafing houses.
    Bodies and carnage on streets.
    Where are the peacemakers?
    Where are the uniforms?
     

    Chicago
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Title

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:53 am

    Dennis

    I wonder if this is a stronger poem with Chicago as the title and no "telling" of the comparison?

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Clarity would be an issue for me

    Post  Pat on Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:09 am

    if I did not have Aleppo somewhere. Without it, I probably could not make the leap.  Maybe more facts?   31,000 dead,  civil war, "Mother of Battles".  Something to say how BIG it is. Strafing is good:  Military word, saying "big guns/bombs/explosions.  

    Are you trying to say murders happen in Chicago like Aleppo?  civil war happens there too?  I went to Wikipedia and read their 3 or 4 paragraphs.   U N had been in Aleppo.  Talks were not working.  Everything about it, horrific like a civil war.   No one surrendering. No one winning either. 

    1st stanza, more like Chicago to me;  2nd, like Aleppo.  

    My questions would be:  Where are the listeners?  Why target the civilians? 

    Innocents in Chicago and Aleppo died.  All, sad.

    I have no idea if I said anything useful or not.  Please take what fits and leave the rest.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    What Is The Difference?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:01 pm

    I've spent considerable time in Chicago over the years and never felt unsafe until one night I got a glimpse under the bridges, under the freeways... scary as a war zone!
    Tough to compare Aleppo and Chicago in a short poem but you've captured it well.  More poetics and less telling might help... smell of cordite, sound of flash/bang... as to title I think of Chicago-Aleppo on Saturday Night. 
    Question:  Where are the children?
    Dewell

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