The Distance Between Us

Go down

The Distance Between Us

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:38 pm

The Distance Between Us  is a different style for me... title flowing into poem... I like it.
I'm toying with dropping the "nature" references and sticking with the bedroom or marrying the two.... what do you think?  Did I overdo the wind?  Maybe stanza #2 should become stanza #1?Not a bad poem for an 86 year old Gent...
(39 at last!)... Dewell

The Distance Between Us

is less than a whisper
when dawn excuses night,
morning glory finds its destiny
and a willow wind quilts the pond
whimpering to begin today's concert.

You stretch, yawn, tug linens
up under your chin as if this day
may begin especially for you.
The fault line of a sweet
smile ripples across your mouth.

You arch your arm over me,
gentle as a rainbow, reach
for the snooze button.

     -Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 335
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Minor thoughts

Post  tsukany on Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:24 am


It seems like the punctuation in stanza one is confusing.  I read a period at the end of line one.  I need a "music/concert" word in stanza two to continue the conceit.  I believe I would cut "read" from stanza three.

I like the arrangement of stanzas as they are.

Well done, again, as usual, O gifted one.


Posts : 553
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down


Post  Dennis2012 on Mon Jan 30, 2017 10:55 am

Dewell, Beautiful pictures!!  I love the line, "when dawn excuses night."  Such a beautiful nature picture and you lead us into the second stanza with "wind quilts the pond."  I like the ending with arching... rainbow. And the gotcha at the end with snooze alarm.  Well done.  Me thinks you had too many concerns and treaded softly on your confidence.  



Posts : 13
Join date : 2012-01-11

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Loved it

Post  renee.barger on Mon Jan 30, 2017 9:59 pm

I loved this poem as well, especially the line, "when dawn excuses night!" I don't have any specific suggestions, but I did agree with Sukany that some punctuation may need reconsidered.

Posts : 32
Join date : 2016-09-17

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I don't know what happened to my previous reply,

Post  Pat on Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:26 am

I esp like the last stanza.  I'd like a musical term in each stanza throughout the poem.  Rainbow is fantastic.  Great imagery. 
Maybe reach could becoming reaching? 
Nice job for any age man!


Posts : 588
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Distance Between Us

Post  Sponsored content

Sponsored content

Back to top Go down

Back to top

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum