The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    The Distance Between Us

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    The Distance Between Us

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:38 pm

    The Distance Between Us  is a different style for me... title flowing into poem... I like it.
    I'm toying with dropping the "nature" references and sticking with the bedroom or marrying the two.... what do you think?  Did I overdo the wind?  Maybe stanza #2 should become stanza #1?Not a bad poem for an 86 year old Gent...
    (39 at last!)... Dewell

    The Distance Between Us

    is less than a whisper
    when dawn excuses night,
    morning glory finds its destiny
    and a willow wind quilts the pond
    whimpering to begin today's concert.

    You stretch, yawn, tug linens
    up under your chin as if this day
    may begin especially for you.
    The fault line of a sweet
    smile ripples across your mouth.

    You arch your arm over me,
    gentle as a rainbow, reach
    for the snooze button.

         -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Minor thoughts

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:24 am

    Dewell

    It seems like the punctuation in stanza one is confusing.  I read a period at the end of line one.  I need a "music/concert" word in stanza two to continue the conceit.  I believe I would cut "read" from stanza three.

    I like the arrangement of stanzas as they are.

    Well done, again, as usual, O gifted one.

    Todd

    Dennis2012

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2012-01-11

    dennis2012

    Post  Dennis2012 on Mon Jan 30, 2017 10:55 am

    Dewell, Beautiful pictures!!  I love the line, "when dawn excuses night."  Such a beautiful nature picture and you lead us into the second stanza with "wind quilts the pond."  I like the ending with arching... rainbow. And the gotcha at the end with snooze alarm.  Well done.  Me thinks you had too many concerns and treaded softly on your confidence.  

    Dennis
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    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Loved it

    Post  renee.barger on Mon Jan 30, 2017 9:59 pm

    I loved this poem as well, especially the line, "when dawn excuses night!" I don't have any specific suggestions, but I did agree with Sukany that some punctuation may need reconsidered.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I don't know what happened to my previous reply,

    Post  Pat on Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:26 am

    I esp like the last stanza.  I'd like a musical term in each stanza throughout the poem.  Rainbow is fantastic.  Great imagery. 
    Maybe reach could becoming reaching? 
    Nice job for any age man!

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