The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Looking for weeds that I can't see

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Looking for weeds that I can't see

    Post  tsukany on Thu Feb 23, 2017 6:55 pm

    Out in the Cold

    Before the dinner on Thanksgiving Day,
    by the roadside, a lonely
    bed, abandoned and covered in snowflake,
    banked a heeler puppy.

    Each muscle of my running body
    engaged in an abrupt halt,
    extended a hand to the one named Lady,
    enfeebled beside the asphalt.

    All my coaxing paid fine dividends,
    as Lady, gathered into my arms,
    anorexic, cuddled close, as now-trusted friends,
    allowed a mile-and-a-half walk past farms,

    lakes, and sheds, to our front door.
    Little did we know she was so frail.
    Light-ended, she tipped–heiny up–before
    licking all the food from the canine pail.

    –T.A. Sukany 21 Feb 2017
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Looking for weeds that I can't see

    Post  Karen on Fri Feb 24, 2017 7:30 am

    I love that you *just* gave us the vignette.  Not how it ultimately turned out.  And what a finish, up-ending in the pail!  I read recently poems are only boring when they fail to surprise.  Yours did not disappoint.

    I also loved that you used "heiney", but then it worried me to death!  Hiney.  Heinie.  Good Lord have mercy, I have been patrolling the aisles trying to tie it down, with no resolution.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Looking for weeds. . . . to pluck.

    Post  Pat on Fri Feb 24, 2017 8:59 pm

    I like the title.  
    Line 1:  not sure you need the article.
    S 2, line 3:   Is she named at this point?  or "to be named Lady...."
    enfeebled:  interesting word.  caught my attention.  
    Not sure about calling a dog anorexic.   Weak, frail, but I questioned anorexic.
    I love that you named farms, lake, etc. landscape.
    I questioned S 4, line 2 because you'd called her anorexic. (I'd stay with this line, drop anorexic.) 
    Heiny-up:  I smiled.  Not sure about the spelling.  Rump-up might work, but then you lose that heiny.  
    Sweet narrative poem in 1st person!   Proud of you for giving it a go!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Looking For Weeds

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:02 pm

    I like Pat's suggestions.  Do you need the comma after dividends?  I loved heiny... goes well with the cuddly, trusting walk home.   At the end of this poem I could feel Lady falling asleep in the dish...  No wasted words in this poem.  It is a pleasure to read, to experience, this poem.  Dewell

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