Looking for weeds that I can't see

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Looking for weeds that I can't see

Post  tsukany on Thu Feb 23, 2017 6:55 pm

Out in the Cold

Before the dinner on Thanksgiving Day,
by the roadside, a lonely
bed, abandoned and covered in snowflake,
banked a heeler puppy.

Each muscle of my running body
engaged in an abrupt halt,
extended a hand to the one named Lady,
enfeebled beside the asphalt.

All my coaxing paid fine dividends,
as Lady, gathered into my arms,
anorexic, cuddled close, as now-trusted friends,
allowed a mile-and-a-half walk past farms,

lakes, and sheds, to our front door.
Little did we know she was so frail.
Light-ended, she tipped–heiny up–before
licking all the food from the canine pail.

–T.A. Sukany 21 Feb 2017
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Re: Looking for weeds that I can't see

Post  Karen on Fri Feb 24, 2017 7:30 am

I love that you *just* gave us the vignette.  Not how it ultimately turned out.  And what a finish, up-ending in the pail!  I read recently poems are only boring when they fail to surprise.  Yours did not disappoint.

I also loved that you used "heiney", but then it worried me to death!  Hiney.  Heinie.  Good Lord have mercy, I have been patrolling the aisles trying to tie it down, with no resolution.
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Looking for weeds. . . . to pluck.

Post  Pat on Fri Feb 24, 2017 8:59 pm

I like the title.  
Line 1:  not sure you need the article.
S 2, line 3:   Is she named at this point?  or "to be named Lady...."
enfeebled:  interesting word.  caught my attention.  
Not sure about calling a dog anorexic.   Weak, frail, but I questioned anorexic.
I love that you named farms, lake, etc. landscape.
I questioned S 4, line 2 because you'd called her anorexic. (I'd stay with this line, drop anorexic.) 
Heiny-up:  I smiled.  Not sure about the spelling.  Rump-up might work, but then you lose that heiny.  
Sweet narrative poem in 1st person!   Proud of you for giving it a go!

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Looking For Weeds

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:02 pm

I like Pat's suggestions.  Do you need the comma after dividends?  I loved heiny... goes well with the cuddly, trusting walk home.   At the end of this poem I could feel Lady falling asleep in the dish...  No wasted words in this poem.  It is a pleasure to read, to experience, this poem.  Dewell

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Re: Looking for weeds that I can't see

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