awake at 3

View previous topic View next topic Go down

awake at 3

Post  Karen on Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:43 pm

Edited after 2 months rest(lessness).  Please pardon my steaminess.

awake at 3

distant thunder
warmth of back

prowling cat
hand to hip

streetlight flicker
breath at breast

freight train calling
here I’m here

Karen

Posts : 256
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Nice

Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 31, 2017 6:54 pm

Karen

Line two trips me each time I read this.  I'm not sure what you're trying to say, so I don't know what to suggest.  

For what it's worth, it feels like the last line should be repeated.

Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

The cat's meow

Post  dennis 2012 on Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:49 pm

Karen, I can relate.  I like the pic, but with a dog!! lol  I pick up that the warmth on back would be the cat that you don't introduce until the next line?  If so, that might be troublesome because the only thing intoduced so far is the thunder and I don't think that relates.  If a comma is placed after the first "here" in the last line it would give more emphasis to the line.  Good poem.

dennis 2012
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re:

Post  renee.barger on Fri Mar 31, 2017 11:25 pm

I'm pretty sure I got it the first time I read it, and I liked the connection of the images. I felt like it was a train of consciousness telling us how the reader awakens and realizes there was a tornado. (I hope I read it right!)

The only thing I wondered was, are you still awake at 3:00 or are you woken up at 3:00? If you're woken up, maybe change the title from awake at 3 to woken at 3:00? Just a suggestion.
avatar
renee.barger

Posts : 32
Join date : 2016-09-17

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: awake at 3

Post  Karen on Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:30 am

Oh dear, rewrite, rewrite!  My intent was to contrast what wakes one alone and what wakes one not-alone.

I missed the mark, winged the dog, and ended up in the storm shelter.

Now I'm looking at the poem as a form of personal shorthand that only I can read.  If anyone else is to understand it, I will have to use a language other than my own personal one.  Hmm.  Considering.

Karen

Posts : 256
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I'm hearing you will rewrite it. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:06 pm

Karen, do it.  And throw it back out here.  

I esp like your last line.  Great images.  Warmth of back?  That threw me.  I'm not as much of a cat person as dog person, so maybe that's my problem, not yours.

What you do with so few words is amazing.  Stay after it.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Awake At 3...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:06 pm

Interesting... I got the awake but not the awakening.  Once I found the cat I got the warm back image.  Maybe the rewrite needs a little more connective tissue to create a "flow"...
I'm also looking for more senses in the original.  Hang in there, Karen... good subject.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 321
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: awake at 3

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum