The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    awake at 3

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    Karen
    Karen

    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    awake at 3

    Post  Karen on Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:43 pm

    Edited after 2 months rest(lessness).  Please pardon my steaminess.

    awake at 3

    distant thunder
    warmth of back

    prowling cat
    hand to hip

    streetlight flicker
    breath at breast

    freight train calling
    here I’m here
    tsukany
    tsukany

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    Nice

    Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 31, 2017 6:54 pm

    Karen

    Line two trips me each time I read this.  I'm not sure what you're trying to say, so I don't know what to suggest.  

    For what it's worth, it feels like the last line should be repeated.

    Todd
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    dennis 2012
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    The cat's meow

    Post  dennis 2012 on Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:49 pm

    Karen, I can relate.  I like the pic, but with a dog!! lol  I pick up that the warmth on back would be the cat that you don't introduce until the next line?  If so, that might be troublesome because the only thing intoduced so far is the thunder and I don't think that relates.  If a comma is placed after the first "here" in the last line it would give more emphasis to the line.  Good poem.
    renee.barger
    renee.barger

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    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Re:

    Post  renee.barger on Fri Mar 31, 2017 11:25 pm

    I'm pretty sure I got it the first time I read it, and I liked the connection of the images. I felt like it was a train of consciousness telling us how the reader awakens and realizes there was a tornado. (I hope I read it right!)

    The only thing I wondered was, are you still awake at 3:00 or are you woken up at 3:00? If you're woken up, maybe change the title from awake at 3 to woken at 3:00? Just a suggestion.
    Karen
    Karen

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    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: awake at 3

    Post  Karen on Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:30 am

    Oh dear, rewrite, rewrite!  My intent was to contrast what wakes one alone and what wakes one not-alone.

    I missed the mark, winged the dog, and ended up in the storm shelter.

    Now I'm looking at the poem as a form of personal shorthand that only I can read.  If anyone else is to understand it, I will have to use a language other than my own personal one.  Hmm.  Considering.
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    Pat

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm hearing you will rewrite it. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:06 pm

    Karen, do it.  And throw it back out here.  

    I esp like your last line.  Great images.  Warmth of back?  That threw me.  I'm not as much of a cat person as dog person, so maybe that's my problem, not yours.

    What you do with so few words is amazing.  Stay after it.
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    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Age : 88
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Awake At 3...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:06 pm

    Interesting... I got the awake but not the awakening.  Once I found the cat I got the warm back image.  Maybe the rewrite needs a little more connective tissue to create a "flow"...
    I'm also looking for more senses in the original.  Hang in there, Karen... good subject.  Dewell

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