Giving it a wack

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Giving it a wack

Post  renee.barger on Fri Mar 31, 2017 10:21 pm

I haven't been writing really at all recently. I haven't known what to write about, so I just wrote what was most relevant to this stage of my life. I felt rather pleased with a couple of the lines below. I wasn't sure whether to add punctuation or if it would weigh it down. Advice please? I have a couple other hesitancies, but I'll wait to see if anyone notices/mentions them.



Three More Months

Cramping and stretching
Waddling and wheezing
Squeezing into yoga pants
Big kicks and little bathroom notice
Unsolicited social media advice
and unauthorized belly rubs
No such thing as TMI
or personal bubbles
Just hang in there
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renee.barger

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Nice

Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 01, 2017 8:22 am

Renee

I really like the fun and sharp points of this poem. 

I lobby for a stanza break after line four.  I wonder if TMI and bubbles need to be reversed.  You have a wonderful description of invasion but then it seems to go back to the mind/message.  (Could be just me)

I wonder if the last line could be for both of you to "just hang in there"?

Nice offering.

Todd
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Re: Giving it a wack

Post  Karen on Sat Apr 01, 2017 2:11 pm

Renee, I LIKE this!  As Todd says, fun but with sharp points.  So ... I've given your poem an unauthorized belly rub.  Forgive me.  The brevity made me want to see how it looked in an even briefer form.

Good offering!

three more months

cramping
stretching
waddling
wheezing
squeezing
into yoga pants

big kicks
no bathroom notice
unsolicited advice
unauthorized belly rubs
no personal bubbles
no such thing as TMI
hang in there
just hang in there

Karen

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Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

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Giving it a Whack...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:34 pm

I remember those days!  Four times.  Especially the "grannies" wanting to help.  I didn't really understand the poem until I read it aloud to Elsa.  I like it as is.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

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3 More Months

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:57 pm

I don't think punctuation is required for this little poem.  We all followed it right well.  Nothing confusing.  I say, "Well-done."  I liked your version and Karen's.  Nice work.

Pat

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Wow, thank you!

Post  renee.barger on Tue Apr 25, 2017 8:50 am

I didn't get notified via email that more people (after Sukany) commented, so I *just* saw these! Thank you so much for the feedback! It made me smile.

Sukany, I agree with your suggestions. I will make those edits. Thank you!

Karen, thanks for the "belly rub!" Smile I especially like how you repeated the last two lines. I may have to play some more with this poem to make it more brief, like you suggested. Thanks!

Thank you, Dewell! We have definitely had both grandmas wanting to help a lot so far. Everyone is pretty excited. Smile

Pat, that is good feedback on the punctuation. I have a hard time determining when punctuation adds or distracts. Thank you!
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Into a new and shining world...

Post  dennis 2012 on Thu May 04, 2017 3:03 pm

Renee,  I think you have captured the moment and I think the protruding symmetry of the picture has weight as well.  Sometimes the eye helps define the poem.  Good.

dennis 2012
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