The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Giving it a wack

    Share
    avatar
    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Giving it a wack

    Post  renee.barger on Fri Mar 31, 2017 10:21 pm

    I haven't been writing really at all recently. I haven't known what to write about, so I just wrote what was most relevant to this stage of my life. I felt rather pleased with a couple of the lines below. I wasn't sure whether to add punctuation or if it would weigh it down. Advice please? I have a couple other hesitancies, but I'll wait to see if anyone notices/mentions them.



    Three More Months

    Cramping and stretching
    Waddling and wheezing
    Squeezing into yoga pants
    Big kicks and little bathroom notice
    Unsolicited social media advice
    and unauthorized belly rubs
    No such thing as TMI
    or personal bubbles
    Just hang in there
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice

    Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 01, 2017 8:22 am

    Renee

    I really like the fun and sharp points of this poem. 

    I lobby for a stanza break after line four.  I wonder if TMI and bubbles need to be reversed.  You have a wonderful description of invasion but then it seems to go back to the mind/message.  (Could be just me)

    I wonder if the last line could be for both of you to "just hang in there"?

    Nice offering.

    Todd
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Giving it a wack

    Post  Karen on Sat Apr 01, 2017 2:11 pm

    Renee, I LIKE this!  As Todd says, fun but with sharp points.  So ... I've given your poem an unauthorized belly rub.  Forgive me.  The brevity made me want to see how it looked in an even briefer form.

    Good offering!

    three more months

    cramping
    stretching
    waddling
    wheezing
    squeezing
    into yoga pants

    big kicks
    no bathroom notice
    unsolicited advice
    unauthorized belly rubs
    no personal bubbles
    no such thing as TMI
    hang in there
    just hang in there

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Giving it a Whack...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:34 pm

    I remember those days!  Four times.  Especially the "grannies" wanting to help.  I didn't really understand the poem until I read it aloud to Elsa.  I like it as is.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    3 More Months

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:57 pm

    I don't think punctuation is required for this little poem.  We all followed it right well.  Nothing confusing.  I say, "Well-done."  I liked your version and Karen's.  Nice work.
    avatar
    renee.barger

    Posts : 38
    Join date : 2016-09-17

    Wow, thank you!

    Post  renee.barger on Tue Apr 25, 2017 8:50 am

    I didn't get notified via email that more people (after Sukany) commented, so I *just* saw these! Thank you so much for the feedback! It made me smile.

    Sukany, I agree with your suggestions. I will make those edits. Thank you!

    Karen, thanks for the "belly rub!" Smile I especially like how you repeated the last two lines. I may have to play some more with this poem to make it more brief, like you suggested. Thanks!

    Thank you, Dewell! We have definitely had both grandmas wanting to help a lot so far. Everyone is pretty excited. Smile

    Pat, that is good feedback on the punctuation. I have a hard time determining when punctuation adds or distracts. Thank you!

    dennis 2012
    Guest

    Into a new and shining world...

    Post  dennis 2012 on Thu May 04, 2017 3:03 pm

    Renee,  I think you have captured the moment and I think the protruding symmetry of the picture has weight as well.  Sometimes the eye helps define the poem.  Good.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Giving it a wack

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Aug 14, 2018 1:41 am