The Last Friday

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    The Last Friday (I am working on the "music" of the lines as they are read aloud)

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    The Last Friday (I am working on the "music" of the lines as they are read aloud)

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 26, 2011 9:44 am

    THE LAST FRIDAY

    I publish my soul in lines.

    As a doctor you snap on rubber gloves,
    remove the sanitary paper covering the scalpel,
    search for the perfect entry point at the base of the cancer,
    apply pressure with your pinky finger extended,
    call for triple-aught silk, and leave the room;
    let the interns practice suturing the wound.

    As a teacher you perceive I ain’t fully prepared,
    ask embarrassing questions, point out my ignorance,
    make an example of me before my peers,
    smack my wrist with a ruler, put my name on the board,
    limit my recess, and deposit a score next to the others in the grade book.

    As a parent you recall all the pain and cuteness of my birth,
    train me in the way I should go, print out this pretty poem,
    hang it from the refrigerator, and clean up mere moments
    before important guests arrive.

    As a cannibal you grub the soft juicy parts
    and tear into them like a May tornado.

    As a friend you will smile all the while.

    ---Sukany 26 May 2011

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    Re: The Last Friday (I am working on the "music" of the lines as they are read aloud)

    Post  Guest on Fri May 27, 2011 4:35 am

    Sometimes your poem reminds me of a commentary on critics. Other times it reminds me of the different processes (or personas) we go through to revise a poem. After the 2nd stanza, I notice the stanzas become shorter and shorter. I'm not sure of your intent but I interpreted this to mean that you keep revising the poem until it becomes your friend and you are satisfied with it.

    THE LAST FRIDAY

    I publish my soul in lines.

    As a doctor you snap on rubber gloves,
    remove the sanitary paper covering the scalpel,
    search for the perfect entry point at the base of the cancer,
    apply pressure with your pinky finger extended,
    call for triple-aught silk, and leave the room;
    let the interns practice suturing the wound.

    As a teacher you perceive I ain’t fully prepared,
    (The word "perceive" sounds too formal for this line when it's followed
    by the phrase "I ain't fully prepared.")
    ask embarrassing questions, point out my ignorance,
    make an example of me before my peers,
    smack my wrist with a ruler, put my name on the board,
    limit my recess, and deposit a score next to the others in the grade book.

    As a parent you recall all the pain and cuteness of my birth,
    train me in the way I should go, print out this pretty poem,
    hang it from the refrigerator, and clean up mere moments
    before important guests arrive.

    As a cannibal you grub the soft juicy parts
    and tear into them like a May tornado.

    As a friend you will smile all the while.

    ---Sukany 26 May 2011
    .
    tsukany


    Posts: 7
    Join date: 2011-05-21





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    Watch this topic for replies


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    kilee1231

    Posts : 4
    Join date : 2011-05-26

    Nancy

    Post  kilee1231 on Mon May 30, 2011 1:06 pm

    I publish my soul in lines.

    As a doctor you snap on rubber gloves,
    remove the sanitary paper covering the scalpel,
    search for the perfect entry point at the base of the cancer,
    apply pressure with your pinky finger extended,
    call for triple-aught silk, and leave the room;
    let the interns practice suturing the wound.

    As a teacher you perceive I ain’t fully prepared,
    ask embarrassing questions, point out my ignorance,
    make an example of me before my peers,
    smack my wrist with a ruler, put my name on the board,
    limit my recess, and deposit a score next to the others in the grade book.

    As a parent you recall all the pain and cuteness of my birth,
    train me in the way I should go, print out this pretty poem,
    hang it from the refrigerator, and clean up mere moments
    before important guests arrive.
    (I am confused somewhat here- clean up to mean a mess on the refrigerator?)
    As a cannibal you grub the soft juicy parts
    and tear into them like a May tornado. (Anyone should be able to relate to this reference)

    As a friend you will smile all the while.

    [i

    Velvet F

    Posts : 12
    Join date : 2011-05-22

    The Last Friday

    Post  Velvet F on Mon May 30, 2011 1:22 pm

    THE LAST FRIDAY

    I publish my soul in lines.
    (I love this!)

    As a doctor you snap on rubber gloves,
    (are they rubber? seems like they are something else)
    remove the sanitary paper covering the scalpel,
    search for the perfect entry point at the base of the cancer,
    apply pressure with your pinky finger extended,
    call for triple-aught silk, and leave the room;
    let the interns practice suturing the wound.
    (leave the room and let the interns practice is good, strong)

    As a teacher you perceive I ain’t fully prepared,
    ask embarrassing questions, point out my ignorance,
    make an example of me before my peers,
    smack my wrist with a ruler, put my name on the board,
    limit my recess, and deposit a score next to the others in the grade book.
    ("deposit" doesn't seem right for this; place? ink? and is it a lower score than the others?)

    As a parent you recall all the pain and cuteness of my birth,
    train me in the way I should go, print out this pretty poem,
    hang it from the refrigerator, and clean up mere moments
    before important guests arrive.
    ("clean up" - are you saying remove? in embarrassment?)

    As a cannibal you grub the soft juicy parts
    and tear into them like a May tornado.

    As a friend you will smile all the while.
    (delete "will" to conform to the other stanzas)

    great imagery!

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I made revisions. Are there unclear areas freshly exposed? I can't get it to show the formatting I want either. I want to indent everything but the first line of each stanza.

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 12, 2011 8:40 am

    WELCOME TO CRITIQUE

    I publish my soul in lines.

    As a doctor you snap on sterile gloves,
    remove the sanitary paper covering the scalpel,
    search for the perfect entry point at the base of the cancer,
    apply pressure with your pinky finger extended,
    call for triple-aught silk, and leave the room;
    let the interns practice suturing the wound.

    As a teacher you perceive I ain’t fully prepared,
    ask embarrassing questions, point out my ignorance,
    make an example of me before my peers,
    smack my wrist with a ruler, put my name on the board,
    limit my play, and plop a score in the grade book.

    As a parent you recall all the pain and cuteness of my birth,
    train me in the way I should go, print out this pretty poem,
    hang it from the refrigerator, and bury it mere moments
    before important guests pull in.

    As a cannibal you grub the spineless juicy parts
    and rip into them like a May tornado.

    As a friend you smile all the while.

    ---Sukany 26 May 2011


    Last edited by tsukany on Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:33 am; edited 1 time in total

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    Guest

    BBCODE indenting

    Post  Guest on Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:01 am

    I found this doing a search about the bbcode.

    [indent]this text is indented[/indent]

    However, it doesn't look like it's working on this forum.

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    Re: The Last Friday (I am working on the "music" of the lines as they are read aloud)

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