The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Critique please

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    Dennis20
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    Critique please

    Post  Dennis20 on Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:18 pm

     

    Now it is Spring

     

    when long-silent birds

    return with lively songs.

    Through wood, I walk in scattered light

                                                     amazed;

    the slant of shafts of sun kiss barren trees.

    This awakening is epic across the land,

    but winds that brought it surely brings

    the certainty of dark again.  And,

     

    like the gentle child asleep

    where mother softly calls to wake,

    my heart is touched by what I see—

    a land revived,  the dawn of spring.

     

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I like it, but : )

    Post  Pat on Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:26 am

    I like how the title flows into the poem. When I read the poem, I read the title twice, once as the title, once as the first line. . . . right?

    long-silent (love it!) and we know why they are long-silent: winter.

    I stumbled over the slant of shafts of sun. . . hmmmm. Maybe too many ofs?

    I wonder if "This awakening. . . ." doesn't deserve its own stanza?

    bring or brings?

    Do you mean to repeat land on the last line? earth would work too.

    There is a sweetness here. The sweetness of Spring that follows a hard Winter. I like how you bookend Spring: beginning and end.

    Amazed on the one line by itself and indented: I'm thinking that is your one feeling that is significant that you are sharing. Stands out as you have it.

    Take my words lightly: it's a good poem. Pat
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Two images

    Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 02, 2012 7:23 am

    Dennis,

    You interrupt the spring with a call to darkness, foreboding, and the next image is of mother and child. I took it as tragedy hovering over the child who will not wake again. Surely, that was not the intent, was it? :-) It felt a bit out of sync to call the gentleness of your opening images "epic."

    I like the poem. The more specific you are in your request for critique the more specific our feedback. If you are just wanting to know if the poem works that is fine. I assume you know it works and just want to know where the bumps might be.

    Thank you for letting us into your work. It is so clear and your insights sharp.

    Todd

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Thanks for your input

    Post  Dennis20 on Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:35 pm

     

    Guys,  Thanks for the help you give me on my poetry.  I get in a rut and have blinders when I write and don't always see what the reader sees.  It is important to me for you to say what you see or what you don't see.  It helps me know if I am getting my idea to the reader.  I appreciate the group because you are helping me become a better poet.  Dennis

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Critique, Please

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:46 pm

    Dennis,

    I like this poem and enjoy reading it over and over. That "darkness" in the middle seems somewhat overstated and smothers the gentleness feeling of mother/child. Maybe it could be squeezed a bit... you know, play it down.

    Also there seems to be a grammer problem with "slant kiss" and with "wind bring". Thanks for sharing this poem. If you are thinking about a different title, consider "This Is A Day To Wear." Dewell

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