The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    poetry storm

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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    poetry storm

    Post  Karen on Tue Apr 25, 2017 8:32 pm

    Happy National Poetry Month!  I am awash with poetry.  Week 1: read poets, alternating living and dead.  Week 2: write a poem a day.  Week 3: edit.  Week 4: repeat weeks 1 and 3. 

    I read at a barbeque joint, a fancy-schmancy soul food cafe, and Riverfront Park.  I went to a Teen Slam.  I did an ekphrastic workshop at the Laman Library.  I wrote Poetry on Demand at the Argenta Art Walk.  This weekend I get to write it at the downtown Little Rock library, read at a brewery, and wallow in Arkansas Literary Festival.  I met my best poetry friend in the world at a gun show last weekend where he was selling his walking sticks.  We cussed and discussed until we got thrown out of the fish fry, then moved to Motel 6 to argue some more. 

    My heart is full.

    Here's one of my poems from week 1. 

    SUDDEN STORM

    unexpected
    gumball chatter
    rooftop patter
    gutters rattle
    empty trash can
    shudders hard

    judders live
    across the lawn
    hops the sidewalk
    jumps the ditch
    barrels down
    the boulevard

    lawn chairs dance
    into the street
    bewildered cushions
    lose their seats
    pillowed clouds
    loose rain in sheets

    blanket covers
    sleepless yard

    dennis 2012
    Guest

    Come aboard two by two as I write

    Post  dennis 2012 on Sat Apr 29, 2017 9:23 pm

    Karen,  Your storm is here in my back yard!! You been busy. Glad you are having such a great time and promoting poetry, too. Love the poem!  Question and suggestion. Is the title multiple choice?  You have three lines above the poem.  I opt for C. because it seems to go along with the theme of the poem best.
    BTW, Why no lighting or thunder in such a boisterous flurry?

    Suggestion:  I stumble here without punctuation  Last three line>>>

    loose rain in sheets,

    blankets, covers,
    sleepless yard.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Fun

    Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 30, 2017 7:41 am

    Karen

    I like the music of the first stanza but you move away from it very quickly.  Can you return to it throughout the poem?

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: poetry storm

    Post  Karen on Mon May 01, 2017 7:01 pm

    Dennis, the title is SUDDEN STORM.  The two lines before are just yack.  Maybe this poem was handwriting on the wall, because the storm found most of us in Arkansas Saturday night!  Lightning and thunder?  Good suggestions.

    This poem has been through more edits than anything I've written in a while.  It was scarcely a poem at all in its infancy.  It's funny that you mentioned musicality, Todd.  I'm struggling immensely with a different poem on the same issue.  The other poem's first verse sounds like a calliope to me.  I love that feel, but I can't find it in the 2nd stanza.

    Maybe if I can solve the problem here, I will be able to solve it in both poems.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Late to the gate

    Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 11:43 am

    but here are my afterthoughts:   The play in first stanza is those great sound childlike words.  I love words like crashing, clapping, jeering, dropping.  You really hear it and see it.  Flashing, maybe even transcending or ascending?  Are you aware that in the first stanza you did noun-verb, noun-verb. . . . ?  Nice.  Your poem makes me think of summer camp.  : )  Great fun.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Sudden Storm

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed May 03, 2017 5:13 pm

    l like the chatter and these two-word lines.
    Don't understand... juddering live.
    What is juddering?
    And the wind... where is the wind in this storm?
    Reminds me of "Where The Sidewalk Ends"...
    When you solve that "music" problem I think
    you will have a classic.
    Dewell

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