The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


4 posters

    UNTITLED ONE

    Dewell H. Byrd
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR
    • Post n°1

    UNTITLED ONE Empty UNTITLED ONE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:37 pm

    Eyes are better this morning so I'll give it a try.  Doc says "we" are progressing... as if it is "our" eyes.
    Please help me find a title and clean up the ending. 

    UNTITLED ONE

    morning and I are unsettled
    clouds scrim like cream
    shards of sunlight...
    day is uncertain as am I

    will she accept my apology
    join me for alfresco
    champagne brunch
    in the wake of sharp words

    fog drifts in and out
    obscuring my  mood...
    will she find me wistful
    "Come closer.  Go away."

    Dewell
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    Karen
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock
    • Post n°2

    UNTITLED ONE Empty Re: UNTITLED ONE

    Post  Karen Mon May 01, 2017 7:17 pm

    Idea:  cut the last line.

    Title:  come closer/go away.
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    Pat
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12
    • Post n°3

    UNTITLED ONE Empty Yep, we need titles.

    Post  Pat Tue May 02, 2017 11:56 am

    Hang in there and keep taking good care of self.
      
    I like Karen's suggestion.  Last line becomes title.
    Dewell, I don't know that you need the fourth line on any of the stanzas.  I get it without the fourth lines.

    I like the poem.  Universal, for sure.
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    tsukany
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21
    • Post n°4

    UNTITLED ONE Empty Coat tails

    Post  tsukany Tue May 02, 2017 7:30 pm

    Dewell

    I have the same opinions as Pat and Karen.  

    Well played everyone.

    Todd
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    Dewell H. Byrd
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR
    • Post n°5

    UNTITLED ONE Empty Untitled One

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Wed May 03, 2017 4:21 pm

    I made the changes all y'all suggested.
    Shared the revised poem with some of my
    "audience" and they love it.  Thanks
    for the critical eyes.  Dewell
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    dennis 2012
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    dennis 2012
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    • Post n°6

    UNTITLED ONE Empty Oh, Say can you see

    Post  dennis 2012 Thu May 04, 2017 2:56 pm

    "Eyes Ahead"
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    • Post n°7

    UNTITLED ONE Empty Re: UNTITLED ONE

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