UNTITLED ONE

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UNTITLED ONE

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:37 pm

Eyes are better this morning so I'll give it a try.  Doc says "we" are progressing... as if it is "our" eyes.
Please help me find a title and clean up the ending. 

UNTITLED ONE

morning and I are unsettled
clouds scrim like cream
shards of sunlight...
day is uncertain as am I

will she accept my apology
join me for alfresco
champagne brunch
in the wake of sharp words

fog drifts in and out
obscuring my  mood...
will she find me wistful
"Come closer.  Go away."

Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

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Re: UNTITLED ONE

Post  Karen on Mon May 01, 2017 7:17 pm

Idea:  cut the last line.

Title:  come closer/go away.
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Yep, we need titles.

Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 11:56 am

Hang in there and keep taking good care of self.
  
I like Karen's suggestion.  Last line becomes title.
Dewell, I don't know that you need the fourth line on any of the stanzas.  I get it without the fourth lines.

I like the poem.  Universal, for sure.

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Coat tails

Post  tsukany on Tue May 02, 2017 7:30 pm

Dewell

I have the same opinions as Pat and Karen.  

Well played everyone.

Todd
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Untitled One

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed May 03, 2017 4:21 pm

I made the changes all y'all suggested.
Shared the revised poem with some of my
"audience" and they love it.  Thanks
for the critical eyes.  Dewell

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Oh, Say can you see

Post  dennis 2012 on Thu May 04, 2017 2:56 pm

"Eyes Ahead"

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