The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    UNTITLED ONE

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    UNTITLED ONE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:37 pm

    Eyes are better this morning so I'll give it a try.  Doc says "we" are progressing... as if it is "our" eyes.
    Please help me find a title and clean up the ending. 

    UNTITLED ONE

    morning and I are unsettled
    clouds scrim like cream
    shards of sunlight...
    day is uncertain as am I

    will she accept my apology
    join me for alfresco
    champagne brunch
    in the wake of sharp words

    fog drifts in and out
    obscuring my  mood...
    will she find me wistful
    "Come closer.  Go away."

    Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: UNTITLED ONE

    Post  Karen on Mon May 01, 2017 7:17 pm

    Idea:  cut the last line.

    Title:  come closer/go away.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Yep, we need titles.

    Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 11:56 am

    Hang in there and keep taking good care of self.
      
    I like Karen's suggestion.  Last line becomes title.
    Dewell, I don't know that you need the fourth line on any of the stanzas.  I get it without the fourth lines.

    I like the poem.  Universal, for sure.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Coat tails

    Post  tsukany on Tue May 02, 2017 7:30 pm

    Dewell

    I have the same opinions as Pat and Karen.  

    Well played everyone.

    Todd

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Untitled One

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed May 03, 2017 4:21 pm

    I made the changes all y'all suggested.
    Shared the revised poem with some of my
    "audience" and they love it.  Thanks
    for the critical eyes.  Dewell

    dennis 2012
    Guest

    Oh, Say can you see

    Post  dennis 2012 on Thu May 04, 2017 2:56 pm

    "Eyes Ahead"

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    Re: UNTITLED ONE

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