The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


3 posters

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

    Post  Pat Tue May 02, 2017 1:01 pm

                      Guts
     
    Another word for courage—
    vital for residents in Boston,
    New York City, Paris, Dallas, Nice.
     
    Sad and dangerous
    to run a race, wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks in a crowd.
     
    Our world is churning, turning, changing.
     
    Silly to suppose we know much,
    but it’ll take stillness
    to find grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Can we not give up claws
    and angry paws
    long enough
    to grow guts
    to discern humane ways
    to resolve disputes?
     
    Maybe before becoming

    a little black box of ashes.
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Last two lines of this poem

    Post  Pat Tue May 02, 2017 1:03 pm

    make a couplet.  Beats me as to how I keep doing that!
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Minor weeding

    Post  tsukany Tue May 02, 2017 7:28 pm

    Pat.  

    I wonder if you need line one.

    It's not "sad" (in stanza two) though it may be dangerous.

    What about cutting "Silly to suppose we know much,
    but"  and then cut the "can" from the final thought and suggest . . . "Let's"  Maybe the final couplet too?


    Timely offering.
    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Okay, then I have this:

    Post  Pat Tue May 02, 2017 9:53 pm

    I think I like it better.  Helpful.  Anything else, guys?  

                      Guts
     
    Vital for residents in Boston,
    New York City, Paris, Dallas, Nice.
     
    Dangerous
    to run a race, wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks in a crowd.
     
    Our world is churning, turning, changing.
     
    It’ll take stillness
    to find grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Let’s give up claws
    and angry paws
    long enough
    to grow guts
    to discern humane ways,
    to resolve disputes.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Cleaner

    Post  tsukany Wed May 03, 2017 6:59 am

    Pat

    I think it is cleaner.  You might look at line breaks (presentation page) next.

    Todd
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Presentation page? How it looks on the page? Hmmm

    Post  Pat Wed May 03, 2017 8:45 am

    This is where I forget to go back and check out how it looks.  Always, I am focused on its meaning and the simplicity.  When I'm satisfied (after many drafts,) I am done.  : )  Or I think I am.  Okay, it is now scrawny.  Is this better?  I actually wound up adding to it in other ways too. 


     
                      Guts
     
    Vital
    for residents
    in Boston, New York City,
    Paris, Dallas, Nice.
     
    Dangerous
    to run a race,
    wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks in a crowd.
     
    Our world—
    churning,
    turning,
    changing.
     
    It takes
    stillness
    to find grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Like an owl,
    we complain to the moon,
    use claws and angry paws,
    not knowing how or what.
     
    The world is home. 
     
    Let us gather with those
    willing to
    ask for a miracle,
    grow guts,
    discern humane ways
    to resolve disputes.


    Last edited by Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 12:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty When I paste,

    Post  Pat Wed May 03, 2017 8:46 am

    it drops the last line.  Any suggestions on that would be welcome.

    Thanks, Pat
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Press Enter

    Post  tsukany Wed May 03, 2017 1:38 pm

    Pat

    I wonder if you try hitting Enter at the end of the and then copy paste?

    I share my breaks and (a line cut)

    Guts
     
    Vital for residents 
    of Boston, New York 
    City, Paris, Dallas, 
    Nice. 
     
    Dangerous to run a race, 
    wear blue uniforms, 
    watch fireworks with a crowd. 
     
    Our world— 
    changing, 
    turning, 
    churning. 
     
    It takes stillness
    to find(best verb?) grass tips, 
    a sunset bloom, 
    rain dancing.  
     
    Like an owl, we complain 
    to the moon, use claws 
    and angry paws, not knowing 
    how or what.
     
    Let us gather with those willing 
    to ask for a miracle, 
    grow guts, 
    discern humane ways, 
    resolve dispute.
    avatar
    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Does This Poem Need...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Wed May 03, 2017 4:42 pm

    Like the title.
    Seems a little preachy in that miracle clause.
    Nice job of cleaning.
    Discern human ways... stops me each time I read it.
    Are the negative ways also human?

    Stay dry, Pat.
    Dewell
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Such subtle changes.

    Post  Pat Wed May 03, 2017 5:22 pm

    Thank you!   helpful.  
    Now to see if I can hit enter and make it work without a space.

                      Guts
     
    Vital for residents
    of Boston, New York City,
    Paris, Dallas,
    Nice.
     
    Dangerous to run a race,
    wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks with a crowd.
     
    Our world—
    churning,
    turning,
    changing.
     
    It takes stillness
    to catch grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Like an owl, we complain
    to the moon, use claws
    and angry paws, not knowing
    how or what.
     
    Let us gather with those willing
    to ask for a miracle,
    grow guts,
    discern humane ways,
    resolve disputes.


    Hooray!!!!  on all levels.  Thank you for help on this.   


    Last edited by Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 12:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Well, would you look at that!

    Post  Pat Wed May 03, 2017 5:27 pm

    It looked perfect. . .  until it went to that final page. . . (after I hit Send.)  I used Ctrl +c, then I used Ctrl + v . . .  oh well. . .   a month to figure it out.  

    Enjoy May flowers.  We have plenty of water.  I bet you Missouri people do too.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Picky

    Post  tsukany Thu May 04, 2017 5:30 am

    Pat,

    I still like my ordering of stanza three.

    Todd
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Right!

    Post  Pat Thu May 04, 2017 9:08 pm

    Todd, I didn't even catch it!   : ))

    It will be changed.  Yes, I like it better too.  Thank you. . . .

    Pat

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    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what? Empty Re: Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

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