Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

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Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 1:01 pm

                  Guts
 
Another word for courage—
vital for residents in Boston,
New York City, Paris, Dallas, Nice.
 
Sad and dangerous
to run a race, wear blue uniforms,
watch fireworks in a crowd.
 
Our world is churning, turning, changing.
 
Silly to suppose we know much,
but it’ll take stillness
to find grass tips,
a sunset bloom,
rain dancing. 
 
Can we not give up claws
and angry paws
long enough
to grow guts
to discern humane ways
to resolve disputes?
 
Maybe before becoming

a little black box of ashes.

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Last two lines of this poem

Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 1:03 pm

make a couplet.  Beats me as to how I keep doing that!

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Minor weeding

Post  tsukany on Tue May 02, 2017 7:28 pm

Pat.  

I wonder if you need line one.

It's not "sad" (in stanza two) though it may be dangerous.

What about cutting "Silly to suppose we know much,
but"  and then cut the "can" from the final thought and suggest . . . "Let's"  Maybe the final couplet too?


Timely offering.
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Okay, then I have this:

Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 9:53 pm

I think I like it better.  Helpful.  Anything else, guys?  

                  Guts
 
Vital for residents in Boston,
New York City, Paris, Dallas, Nice.
 
Dangerous
to run a race, wear blue uniforms,
watch fireworks in a crowd.
 
Our world is churning, turning, changing.
 
It’ll take stillness
to find grass tips,
a sunset bloom,
rain dancing. 
 
Let’s give up claws
and angry paws
long enough
to grow guts
to discern humane ways,
to resolve disputes.

Pat

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Cleaner

Post  tsukany on Wed May 03, 2017 6:59 am

Pat

I think it is cleaner.  You might look at line breaks (presentation page) next.

Todd
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Presentation page? How it looks on the page? Hmmm

Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 8:45 am

This is where I forget to go back and check out how it looks.  Always, I am focused on its meaning and the simplicity.  When I'm satisfied (after many drafts,) I am done.  : )  Or I think I am.  Okay, it is now scrawny.  Is this better?  I actually wound up adding to it in other ways too. 


 
                  Guts
 
Vital
for residents
in Boston, New York City,
Paris, Dallas, Nice.
 
Dangerous
to run a race,
wear blue uniforms,
watch fireworks in a crowd.
 
Our world—
churning,
turning,
changing.
 
It takes
stillness
to find grass tips,
a sunset bloom,
rain dancing. 
 
Like an owl,
we complain to the moon,
use claws and angry paws,
not knowing how or what.
 
The world is home. 
 
Let us gather with those
willing to
ask for a miracle,
grow guts,
discern humane ways
to resolve disputes.


Last edited by Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 12:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

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When I paste,

Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 8:46 am

it drops the last line.  Any suggestions on that would be welcome.

Thanks, Pat

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Press Enter

Post  tsukany on Wed May 03, 2017 1:38 pm

Pat

I wonder if you try hitting Enter at the end of the and then copy paste?

I share my breaks and (a line cut)

Guts
 
Vital for residents 
of Boston, New York 
City, Paris, Dallas, 
Nice. 
 
Dangerous to run a race, 
wear blue uniforms, 
watch fireworks with a crowd. 
 
Our world— 
changing, 
turning, 
churning. 
 
It takes stillness
to find(best verb?) grass tips, 
a sunset bloom, 
rain dancing.  
 
Like an owl, we complain 
to the moon, use claws 
and angry paws, not knowing 
how or what.
 
Let us gather with those willing 
to ask for a miracle, 
grow guts, 
discern humane ways, 
resolve dispute.
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Does This Poem Need...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed May 03, 2017 4:42 pm

Like the title.
Seems a little preachy in that miracle clause.
Nice job of cleaning.
Discern human ways... stops me each time I read it.
Are the negative ways also human?

Stay dry, Pat.
Dewell

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Such subtle changes.

Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 5:22 pm

Thank you!   helpful.  
Now to see if I can hit enter and make it work without a space.

                  Guts
 
Vital for residents
of Boston, New York City,
Paris, Dallas,
Nice.
 
Dangerous to run a race,
wear blue uniforms,
watch fireworks with a crowd.
 
Our world—
churning,
turning,
changing.
 
It takes stillness
to catch grass tips,
a sunset bloom,
rain dancing. 
 
Like an owl, we complain
to the moon, use claws
and angry paws, not knowing
how or what.
 
Let us gather with those willing
to ask for a miracle,
grow guts,
discern humane ways,
resolve disputes.


Hooray!!!!  on all levels.  Thank you for help on this.   


Last edited by Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 12:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Well, would you look at that!

Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 5:27 pm

It looked perfect. . .  until it went to that final page. . . (after I hit Send.)  I used Ctrl +c, then I used Ctrl + v . . .  oh well. . .   a month to figure it out.  

Enjoy May flowers.  We have plenty of water.  I bet you Missouri people do too.

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Picky

Post  tsukany on Thu May 04, 2017 5:30 am

Pat,

I still like my ordering of stanza three.

Todd
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Right!

Post  Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 9:08 pm

Todd, I didn't even catch it!   : ))

It will be changed.  Yes, I like it better too.  Thank you. . . .

Pat

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