The Last Friday

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    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

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    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

    Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 1:01 pm

                      Guts
     
    Another word for courage—
    vital for residents in Boston,
    New York City, Paris, Dallas, Nice.
     
    Sad and dangerous
    to run a race, wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks in a crowd.
     
    Our world is churning, turning, changing.
     
    Silly to suppose we know much,
    but it’ll take stillness
    to find grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Can we not give up claws
    and angry paws
    long enough
    to grow guts
    to discern humane ways
    to resolve disputes?
     
    Maybe before becoming

    a little black box of ashes.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Last two lines of this poem

    Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 1:03 pm

    make a couplet.  Beats me as to how I keep doing that!
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Minor weeding

    Post  tsukany on Tue May 02, 2017 7:28 pm

    Pat.  

    I wonder if you need line one.

    It's not "sad" (in stanza two) though it may be dangerous.

    What about cutting "Silly to suppose we know much,
    but"  and then cut the "can" from the final thought and suggest . . . "Let's"  Maybe the final couplet too?


    Timely offering.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Okay, then I have this:

    Post  Pat on Tue May 02, 2017 9:53 pm

    I think I like it better.  Helpful.  Anything else, guys?  

                      Guts
     
    Vital for residents in Boston,
    New York City, Paris, Dallas, Nice.
     
    Dangerous
    to run a race, wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks in a crowd.
     
    Our world is churning, turning, changing.
     
    It’ll take stillness
    to find grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Let’s give up claws
    and angry paws
    long enough
    to grow guts
    to discern humane ways,
    to resolve disputes.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Cleaner

    Post  tsukany on Wed May 03, 2017 6:59 am

    Pat

    I think it is cleaner.  You might look at line breaks (presentation page) next.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Presentation page? How it looks on the page? Hmmm

    Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 8:45 am

    This is where I forget to go back and check out how it looks.  Always, I am focused on its meaning and the simplicity.  When I'm satisfied (after many drafts,) I am done.  : )  Or I think I am.  Okay, it is now scrawny.  Is this better?  I actually wound up adding to it in other ways too. 


     
                      Guts
     
    Vital
    for residents
    in Boston, New York City,
    Paris, Dallas, Nice.
     
    Dangerous
    to run a race,
    wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks in a crowd.
     
    Our world—
    churning,
    turning,
    changing.
     
    It takes
    stillness
    to find grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Like an owl,
    we complain to the moon,
    use claws and angry paws,
    not knowing how or what.
     
    The world is home. 
     
    Let us gather with those
    willing to
    ask for a miracle,
    grow guts,
    discern humane ways
    to resolve disputes.


    Last edited by Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 12:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    When I paste,

    Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 8:46 am

    it drops the last line.  Any suggestions on that would be welcome.

    Thanks, Pat
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Press Enter

    Post  tsukany on Wed May 03, 2017 1:38 pm

    Pat

    I wonder if you try hitting Enter at the end of the and then copy paste?

    I share my breaks and (a line cut)

    Guts
     
    Vital for residents 
    of Boston, New York 
    City, Paris, Dallas, 
    Nice. 
     
    Dangerous to run a race, 
    wear blue uniforms, 
    watch fireworks with a crowd. 
     
    Our world— 
    changing, 
    turning, 
    churning. 
     
    It takes stillness
    to find(best verb?) grass tips, 
    a sunset bloom, 
    rain dancing.  
     
    Like an owl, we complain 
    to the moon, use claws 
    and angry paws, not knowing 
    how or what.
     
    Let us gather with those willing 
    to ask for a miracle, 
    grow guts, 
    discern humane ways, 
    resolve dispute.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Does This Poem Need...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed May 03, 2017 4:42 pm

    Like the title.
    Seems a little preachy in that miracle clause.
    Nice job of cleaning.
    Discern human ways... stops me each time I read it.
    Are the negative ways also human?

    Stay dry, Pat.
    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Such subtle changes.

    Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 5:22 pm

    Thank you!   helpful.  
    Now to see if I can hit enter and make it work without a space.

                      Guts
     
    Vital for residents
    of Boston, New York City,
    Paris, Dallas,
    Nice.
     
    Dangerous to run a race,
    wear blue uniforms,
    watch fireworks with a crowd.
     
    Our world—
    churning,
    turning,
    changing.
     
    It takes stillness
    to catch grass tips,
    a sunset bloom,
    rain dancing. 
     
    Like an owl, we complain
    to the moon, use claws
    and angry paws, not knowing
    how or what.
     
    Let us gather with those willing
    to ask for a miracle,
    grow guts,
    discern humane ways,
    resolve disputes.


    Hooray!!!!  on all levels.  Thank you for help on this.   


    Last edited by Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 12:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Well, would you look at that!

    Post  Pat on Wed May 03, 2017 5:27 pm

    It looked perfect. . .  until it went to that final page. . . (after I hit Send.)  I used Ctrl +c, then I used Ctrl + v . . .  oh well. . .   a month to figure it out.  

    Enjoy May flowers.  We have plenty of water.  I bet you Missouri people do too.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Picky

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 04, 2017 5:30 am

    Pat,

    I still like my ordering of stanza three.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Right!

    Post  Pat on Thu May 04, 2017 9:08 pm

    Todd, I didn't even catch it!   : ))

    It will be changed.  Yes, I like it better too.  Thank you. . . .

    Pat

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    Re: Does this poem need gutting, rearranging or what?

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