The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    This is pretty raw

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    This is pretty raw

    Post  tsukany on Sun May 21, 2017 12:35 pm

    Circle of Life

    I have two hands and one life. 
    I jammed one into a jar of peanut butter 
    and noted with pride the lasting impact 
    to the Skippy.  The other hand, a symbol 
    for decades of rhetorical instruction 
    and grading, cannon-balled 
    into the university pool.

    --T.A. Sukany 21 May 2017
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: This is pretty raw

    Post  Karen on Sun May 21, 2017 9:15 pm

    I like this duet.

    But.

    I want a different title.  Something specific.  Something that grabs me.  Circle, okay.  Circle of Life ... not so much.  The title didn't make me want to read the poem, and the poem deserves better.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm thinking. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri May 26, 2017 1:15 pm

    not ignoring this.  Back to it.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Pretty good for pretty raw.

    Post  Pat on Fri May 26, 2017 5:24 pm

    I agree with Karen.  You have not thought long enough about the title.  (Too big, too general.)
    I'd look at "noted".  I know that's teachery, but how about a verb with human feeling?  smiled?  
    L 1:  I'd drop:  and one life.  
    The hand cannon-balled?  Is that what you mean?  If so, what does that look like?  
    Last 2 lines.  Like in a pool of teachers?  
    Yep, I want your meaning, not my imagination. 
    Are you saying teaching is your life???  Sorry, I am just full of questions here.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    CIRCLE OF LIFE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 27, 2017 12:34 am

    Title seems like a clechet (sp?)...
    How about DICATOMY?
    I love  these two images... feel the butter... crunchy, too.
    And sitting endlessly in the Department meetings knowing  all power stops at DEAN...
    I wouldn't change anything about the poem except the title.
    Dewell
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Enough Changes?

    Post  tsukany on Sat May 27, 2017 7:57 am

    Did I clear enough initial clutter to determine what needs to change?

    Conclusion of Retirement Speech
     
    I have one life measured by two hands.
    I jam one into a jar of peanut butter
     
    and note with pride the lasting impact
    outlined in Skippy.  The other hand, a symbol
     
    for decades of instruction and grading,
    cannonballs into the university pool.
     
    --T.A. Sukany 21 May 2017

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Much better.

    Post  Pat on Sat May 27, 2017 8:34 am

    And I like the couplets!  Good addition.  Title is wonderful!  
    This is much clearer. 
    Makes me think of Mark and his closure.  Ohhhh, we are going to miss him at Lucidity.  You and Carla are going to miss him and Linda every day.  Can you tell how I hate such changes, even though good will come out of it. . . .

    Sponsored content

    Re: This is pretty raw

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Jun 22, 2018 9:04 pm