and now, please, advice FROM poets

View previous topic View next topic Go down

and now, please, advice FROM poets

Post  Karen on Sun May 21, 2017 2:04 pm

advice to poets/myself

run naked
to the morning dark
unclothe your mind
leave shoes behind
step gingerly
across the gravel
past the signs
that welcome you
that warn you off
before the words
awaken

shine your light
into the eyes
of every size
watch the watchers
in the woods
listen closely
gather gauze
the moss
of phrases
syllables

don’t mind the mist
or brackish
thoughts
drink
from every
water source
completely
deeply
unafraid
undauntable
unpurified

douse yourself
in darkness
pass the open window
striped pajamas
coffee cup
greet the cat
that cries for daybreak
touch the concrete
tenderly
when pavement
meets your glance
don’t look away

store everything
consume the moon
don’t be immune
to conversation
hold
your grinning muse
close to your skin
when you begin
to gin the sentences
to spin the dross
you’ll need these things
you’ll need them all

Karen

Posts : 256
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Too much?

Post  tsukany on Thu May 25, 2017 7:19 am

Karen

I am struck by the "stark" simplicity of the first stanza, the naked.  I wanted that to be the conceit for each of the following stanzas.  I got tired trying to make that work and couldn't "buck" that part of poetry/the poem.

I wonder if the same fun could be the driving force for all the stanzas so the tone remains consistent?

"striped pj's" has connotations to WWII and prisons for me.  It was hard to reconcile having clothes on again after stanza one.  Maybe you can try arranging the stanza in different orders to see if a progression can lead the reader to the simplicity of writing poems:  get naked in public with intent and no shame.  Smile

Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

A couple of things

Post  Pat on Fri May 26, 2017 1:12 pm

I would choose first person. I just read it in 1st person.  See what you think.   Maybe talk to yourself.    Title:  maybe Advice to Myself, a Poet. Then we poets are on board. 

I like the first stanza.  Maybe the nakedness.  Naked physically, emotionally, spiritually would work.  Writing in the raw about the raw?  "I run naked. . . ."

I am no longer fond of the word "that" in poetry.  Check out the first stanza.  It is later too.  What if you dropped "that" and turned the next word into an -ing word?  I think it is more poetic and crisper. Todd pointed THAT out to me long ago in my own work. 

Hope this helps a little.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

ADvice to PoeteMYSelf

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 27, 2017 12:23 am

Karen,
THIS poem must be a marathon we are writing/running.
I got tired at milepost six.
So having enjoyed the warmup stretch then I hitched a ride to the last stanza which I liked
very much.
I like the simplicity except the middle seemed more like a list poem.

Hang in there and I'll carry the water bottle.
Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 321
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Karen, would you rewrite and send back to us?

Post  Pat on Sat May 27, 2017 8:39 am

Like Dewell, me too.
What if you cut out some of the middle?  I think you'll know where to cut.  
I want to read a rewrite.  And oh, do keep it skinny.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: and now, please, advice FROM poets

Post  Karen on Sat May 27, 2017 9:42 am

Thank you for your willingness to man (and woman) the aid stations at this event.  You'll be happy to hear I am reducing the distance from marathon to 10K.

I have cherry-picked the center section and reduced the poem to 3 stanzas.  More cuts to come.  Thank you for the cups of water, the cold wash cloths, the direction.

Karen

Posts : 256
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: and now, please, advice FROM poets

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum