The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    PIGEON SWARM

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    PIGEON SWARM

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue May 23, 2017 6:06 pm

    I need help with title and poem seems sparse of poetics.  HELP!  (PIGEON PROTEST?)
    Is S#2 needed?  Very rough offering.
    Dewell

    PIGEON SWARM

    We're on, Friends.
    All set for October 12, Columbus Day.
    Our FLY-IN to DC will be
    the greatest protest in human history.

    It is about time our demands were heard.
    Our suffering has been monumental
    and we're tired of our needs being ignored.
    Current trends indicate more abuse is coming.

    Modern technology has passed us by
    and reduced our habitat to barbed wire fences
    where no respectable bird should perch.
    The few remaining utility lines sag under us.

    Lines are so crowded one can find little space
    for morning song or fledgling flights.
    Even the statues in the parks are massed
    with blackbirds and lowly sparrows.

    No protest signs, no long winded speeches
    by loud mouthed Mockingbirds.
    Either congress stops this WIRELESS craze
    or we fertilize the government.

    -Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Beautful

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 25, 2017 7:11 am

    Dewell

    This is beautiful.  It took me a minute to match the title to the poem . . . actually less than that.  Such fun.

    Here's my two cents:  The poem is an apostrophe and thus a poetic element in its entirety.
    So many of the current protestors should want this tattooed on their backs as you have clearly written for those who have no voice, the marginalized of our country. ("Monumental" is one of my favorite words in the poem)

    If I had to pick (which I don't), I might suggest a revision of the first line of stanza four.  Seems like it shouldn't be a continuation of the "line" before it.  What about "Carrier Pigeons" as a title?

    Well done and I sure wish it had my name at the end.

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: PIGEON SWARM

    Post  Karen on Thu May 25, 2017 5:41 pm

    I like PIGEON PROTEST as a title.  Another word (rally? demonstration?) could sub for protest in S1, L4. 

    I love your idea and its progression.  Killer ending.  I would prefer no caps for FLY-IN and WIRELESS.

    Dewell, unlike Todd, I do feel the want for more poetics.  Alliteration?  Firm up the rhythm?

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Nice work.

    Post  Pat on Fri May 26, 2017 12:56 pm

    I like the ideas of changing the title (Pigeon Protest) and more poetics.  
    I felt the rant from the beginning.  Sounds just like what I hear on FB or news.  : )  
    It is written on two levels.  I like that.  I follow.
    Dewell, a few lines seem prosey, instead of poetic.  Look at the "to be" lines.  Weed the prose.
    Example:  It is time. . . . Just say, "Time. . . "  and "Lines, so crowded..."  etc.
    I agree:  caps not needed.

    Good work, Dewell!  Not offensive to either side. I like that.

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