The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    rendezvous

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    rendezvous

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:05 pm

    RENDEZVOUS

    Looking for a better title.  Also not sure I need last stanza.

    clutches her long coat
    collar turned up
    head down

    takes a seat
    back booth
    facing the door

    "Just coffee."

    watches door
    wall clock

    stirs slowly

    "I'll be there by eight
    if I can get away."

    stirs 830 refill
    spoons sugar
    twice

    grains spill
    like snow

    "Chocolate cake,
    Rocky Road, please."

        -Dewell H Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Quick observation

    Post  tsukany on Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:41 am

    Dewell

    I want to read this again and comment, but I loved my first read experience.  Such suspense.  The title sets me up, I think. 

    My suggestion:  replace the chocolate cake with "Ice Cream."  I think you get more impact and I think of rocky road as ice cream.

    My second read:  what if 8:30 becomes 7:30?  I read the time as "earlier" my first read.  Then the ice cream becomes an indicator of the future (as well as commentary on the dramatic situation).

    Third read:  what if you lose the gender of line one?

    Thanks

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: rendezvous

    Post  Karen on Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:33 am

    Todd nailed it:  ice cream, earlier time, lose the gender.

    Maybe lose all the connective tissue except that in the quotes?  I want a bit of a rework in grains spill like snow stanza.  Not so much the image, but a different way to convey it.

    And of course, I love the skinny form. 

    Please KEEP the title and the last stanza!

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    a mystery!

    Post  Pat on Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:01 pm

    cloak and dagger wants ice cream.
    I use to watch lots of mysteries on TV. . . . reminds me.  (no T V anymore)  : )  
    Makes me think of Dragnet.  Dum ta dum!   : )  I think Karen and Todd covered it.  
    Skinny is good.  Dum ta dum!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Rondezvous

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:51 pm

    Thanks for your helpful suggestions.
    I am rewriting genderless
    adding ice cream to Rocky Road
    hoping to show persona consoling self after failed meeting.
    Dewell

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