rendezvous

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rendezvous

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:05 pm

RENDEZVOUS

Looking for a better title.  Also not sure I need last stanza.

clutches her long coat
collar turned up
head down

takes a seat
back booth
facing the door

"Just coffee."

watches door
wall clock

stirs slowly

"I'll be there by eight
if I can get away."

stirs 830 refill
spoons sugar
twice

grains spill
like snow

"Chocolate cake,
Rocky Road, please."

    -Dewell H Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

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Quick observation

Post  tsukany on Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:41 am

Dewell

I want to read this again and comment, but I loved my first read experience.  Such suspense.  The title sets me up, I think. 

My suggestion:  replace the chocolate cake with "Ice Cream."  I think you get more impact and I think of rocky road as ice cream.

My second read:  what if 8:30 becomes 7:30?  I read the time as "earlier" my first read.  Then the ice cream becomes an indicator of the future (as well as commentary on the dramatic situation).

Third read:  what if you lose the gender of line one?

Thanks

Todd
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Re: rendezvous

Post  Karen on Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:33 am

Todd nailed it:  ice cream, earlier time, lose the gender.

Maybe lose all the connective tissue except that in the quotes?  I want a bit of a rework in grains spill like snow stanza.  Not so much the image, but a different way to convey it.

And of course, I love the skinny form. 

Please KEEP the title and the last stanza!
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a mystery!

Post  Pat on Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:01 pm

cloak and dagger wants ice cream.
I use to watch lots of mysteries on TV. . . . reminds me.  (no T V anymore)  : )  
Makes me think of Dragnet.  Dum ta dum!   : )  I think Karen and Todd covered it.  
Skinny is good.  Dum ta dum!

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Rondezvous

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:51 pm

Thanks for your helpful suggestions.
I am rewriting genderless
adding ice cream to Rocky Road
hoping to show persona consoling self after failed meeting.
Dewell

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