The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Feedback BEFORE June 30th?

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Feedback BEFORE June 30th?

    Post  tsukany on Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:07 am

    Down with Symbols

    One can’t see music, normally.  
    Of course, several exist who can
    peer into the future, hear black dots

    leaping lines, boxes which rest
    above and below, but that’s
    the musical score.  Vibrations

    enter the auditory canal like gondolas,
    without a singing gondolier of course,
    tickle hairs in the inner ear, and jiggle

    nerve endings connected to pleasure
    centers across the human anatomy.  
    Violent reactions occur in the weak,

    demonstrated best at baseball games
    during inning breaks.  Other offenses
    look like hands over hearts and hands

    removing head coverings, or silly
    kneelings of protest.  True believers
    would never have a radio blaring

    as harmony to darting through
    Bernstein's Ten Commandments.

    --Todd Sukany 29 June 2017

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Down with Symbols

    Post  Pat on Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:54 pm

    I'm putting you first because of the 30th date.

    Good one.  Easy to read, easy to follow.  (I like that.)  I was with you before:  and that's the musical score.  I love all the ear info.  Scientific, but I love it. I am taking the rest of it as satire like Lux does. Hope I'm on the right track.  I love that soundtrack of that movie!  I focus on the hearing. . .  and then you take me to images . . of the weak-hearted (God love them!) in the visual.  Music, for sure. I wondered about the couplet at the end.  Then, I decided it fits!  
    I look forward to what others have to say.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    down with symbols

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Jun 29, 2017 10:09 pm

    A fine poem, Todd.
    Not all symbols should go, there is the flag... cross...
    I like that hand... hand image.
    My only suggestion is to play down the scientific... leads me astray.

     enjoyed the "meat" in this offering. Dewell
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Feedback BEFORE June 30th?

    Post  Karen on Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:01 am

    The scientific led me astray as well.  Good stuff, but perhaps a trail marker early on?  It wouldn't have to be a great log across the wrong turn - just a bit of flour marking the right way.

    A timely subject.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks everyone

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:08 am


    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    In light of the article,

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:58 am

    I am rereading the poem again.  More to ponder.

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Just one more thought. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:13 pm

    I remember an interview I read with Kay Ryan.  She does her research sometimes before she writes the poem.  She can be quite scientific in a poem, using a term or two in the poem like isotopes.  I just reread a few of her poems that are skinny and two of them are somewhat scientific. I am also fond of Kooser's poetry.  The vibration part of your poem, Todd, reminds me a little bit of one of his poems.  I'm not finding it, but it is about something sleeping in his hairy ear?  : )  It's clever and unusual.  Anyway, it is a bit scientific as I recall.  

    Todd, you put the science and the satire together.  Not everyone can do that.  I don't remember Ryan or Kooser doing that, but Lux certainly can.  I hope you will check out Ryan and Lux.  What makes them so memorable is that they do this poetry thing another way.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Feedback BEFORE June 30th?

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Aug 14, 2018 1:39 am