The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    You can't make this stuff up. . . .

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    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    You can't make this stuff up. . . .

    Post  Pat on Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:34 pm

    Long, like the reunion always is. . . . .  but my focus this year was on the little ones.  What fun! (Hoping everyone likes kids like I do. : )  

    Little Ones at a Family Reunion
     
    They meander through columns
    of legs belonging to relatives
    focused on visiting and carrying
    plates of spaghetti, chicken,
    potatoes, pudding. I want to defend
    the little ones stumbling around
    and into chairs, doors, tables. Since
    they are pulled toward birdsong,
    laughter, noise, there is bounty.
    Since they bring rich innocence,
    I am slow to focus on grownups
    trying to call the crowd together.
    Since little ones call out, “Mama!”
    they have my full attention.
    Since they toddle about, touching
    everything they pass with sticky
    fingers, I am entertained.
    Since they are faster and lower
    to the floor, they are quick
    to pick up crumbs and put them
    in mouths before hearing, “No, no.”
    Since cell phones lay on tables,
    little fingers do not hesitate.
    Since you don’t have to tell them,
    they choose whom they hug.
    Since if there is a hot dog left
    on the plate, they will give it to you.
    Since if two of them play together
    and you watch, you run the risk
    of being blinded by radiance.
    Since it’s already built into them,
    they hurry toward the bright light
    to smile for family photos, to find
    a colorful bug, to build a bird nest.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Blocks of text

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:14 am

    Pat

    I find blocks of text intimidating.  I added stanzas and cut the first sentence.  I wonder what you might see as it is more open to the "since."

    Little Ones at a Family Reunion
     
    I want to defend
    the little ones stumbling around
    and into chairs, doors, tables.

    Since they are pulled toward birdsong,
    laughter, noise, there is bounty.

    Since they bring rich innocence,
    I am slow to focus on grownups
    trying to call the crowd together.

    Since little ones call out, “Mama!”
    they have my full attention.

    Since they toddle about, touching
    everything they pass with sticky
    fingers, I am entertained.

    Since they are faster and lower
    to the floor, they are quick
    to pick up crumbs and put them
    in mouths before hearing, “No, no.”

    Since cell phones lay on tables,
    little fingers do not hesitate.

    Since you don’t have to tell them,
    they choose whom they hug.

    Since if there is a hot dog left
    on the plate, they will give it to you.

    Since if two of them play together
    and you watch, you run the risk
    of being blinded by radiance.

    Since it’s already built into them,
    they hurry toward the bright light
    to smile for family photos, to find
    a colorful bug, to build a bird nest.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: You can't make this stuff up. . . .

    Post  Karen on Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:25 am

    I commented on the timeliness of Todd's topic - but this is timely as well.  Seasonally timely!  I run past at least one reunion a weekend in our parks.  No telling who belongs to whom, but no doubt they belong together.  

    I both like and don't-like that the title tells me exactly what to expect.  You make it easy for me to jump into the poem, but I feel like the title does a disservice to the poem.  I campaign for the title You Can't Make This Stuff Up, and demoting the current title to first line of the poem.

    Little ones at the family reunion:
    they meander ...

    I also lobby for line breaks.  I don't know that natural breaks are required, but please cut my meatloaf for me.  Chunks of 4, 5 or 6 lines would make this poem easier to bite.

    Love it!
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: You can't make this stuff up. . . .

    Post  Karen on Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:27 am

    That makes 2 of us wanting our meatloaf cut!

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Great feedback. . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:35 am

    helpful. . . . after the storm passes. . . .

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    you can't make this stuff up

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:43 pm

    I like Karen's title.  Yes, line breaks otherwise the "since"
    bogs this reader down...
    And Todd did a nice job of blocking... now it reads smooth.
    I like the way you handled the subject... warm, sensitive, humorous...

    Sunburn and mosquitos for everyone... Dewell

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    Re: You can't make this stuff up. . . .

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