The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A wish here in summer

    Share

    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    A wish here in summer

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:21 am

    Good to be back.  Been so busy for what seems like months.  Do you have any thoughts here?

    Thanksgiving
    A blending of color
    bleeding
     
    into a cold rain.
    November
     
    wind sweeping
    the populace—
     
    leaves that leave
    before
     
    the soldiers of
    Winter
     

    charge in.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Minor thoughts

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:25 am

    Dennis

    YES SIR nice to have you back.

    I love the journey of this poem.  My thoughts are related to presentation not content.

    This poem reminds me of an anti-war poem (of which I can't remember the title) and thus, I like THANKSGIVING as a (sarcastic) title.

    Next, you have a WCWilliams thing going that I'd like to see continued, that being couplets with the second line being one word.  

    These changes might cause a bit of line shifting so that death is in each couplet.  The last line of the poem would, of course, remain one half of a couplet.  (I was startled by "populace" and not in a good way)

    Well done!!!
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: A wish here in summer

    Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:23 pm

    With apologies to Dewell, I like *almost* everything about this poem.

    Populace set me back too.  And I agree with Todd:  couplets with a single word for the second line would be loverly.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    a wish herein summer

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:54 pm

    I like the gentle beginning to this poem contrasted to the populace and soldiers.
    also a nice way to express the power of winter.
    would colors work better than color?
    delete "a"...
    Welcome home.
    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thanksgiving

    Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:59 pm

    Welcome back!  Missed you.

    Populace jumps out so big.  It sort of owns the poem. May create the setting too.  I hear the sarcasm and that's okay by me.

    I like bleeding, cold rain, wind, populace, leave, soldiers.  Hard to be thankful under those circumstances. 

    Nice work.

    Sponsored content

    Re: A wish here in summer

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Oct 19, 2018 8:47 pm