A wish here in summer

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A wish here in summer

Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:21 am

Good to be back.  Been so busy for what seems like months.  Do you have any thoughts here?

A blending of color
into a cold rain.
wind sweeping
the populace—
leaves that leave
the soldiers of

charge in.

Dennis 2012

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Minor thoughts

Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:25 am


YES SIR nice to have you back.

I love the journey of this poem.  My thoughts are related to presentation not content.

This poem reminds me of an anti-war poem (of which I can't remember the title) and thus, I like THANKSGIVING as a (sarcastic) title.

Next, you have a WCWilliams thing going that I'd like to see continued, that being couplets with the second line being one word.  

These changes might cause a bit of line shifting so that death is in each couplet.  The last line of the poem would, of course, remain one half of a couplet.  (I was startled by "populace" and not in a good way)

Well done!!!

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Re: A wish here in summer

Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:23 pm

With apologies to Dewell, I like *almost* everything about this poem.

Populace set me back too.  And I agree with Todd:  couplets with a single word for the second line would be loverly.


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a wish herein summer

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:54 pm

I like the gentle beginning to this poem contrasted to the populace and soldiers.
also a nice way to express the power of winter.
would colors work better than color?
delete "a"...
Welcome home.

Dewell H. Byrd

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Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:59 pm

Welcome back!  Missed you.

Populace jumps out so big.  It sort of owns the poem. May create the setting too.  I hear the sarcasm and that's okay by me.

I like bleeding, cold rain, wind, populace, leave, soldiers.  Hard to be thankful under those circumstances. 

Nice work.


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