The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I hope this works

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I hope this works

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:12 am


    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    or a ferris wheel at the county fair

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Jul 28, 2017 2:13 pm

    Todd,  I like this poem.  It is pleasing to the eye and thus overrides an extra word or two.  In a very skinny way I would drop the word "and."  It is unnecessary except to the symmetry and the eye.   If you wanted to go deeper, and by that, I mean carving it to the bone, you could also omit "each other with" in the next line.  The poem has a peaceful sense to it.  Good picture and I like burning dusk.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: I hope this works

    Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:20 pm

    I didn't read Dennis' comment before I started my own.

    That said, the only thing I would do is omit the "and".

    The moon needs a poem in this vein.  

    So many poems about the moon ...

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Tracking Love

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:04 pm

    Moon, yes, please.
    burning dusk grabs me.
    Such a clean image ...
    maybe delete and.
    Otherwise enjoy it as it is.
    reminds me of those "water-cooler" romances in the office.
    dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Tracking Love

    Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:38 pm

    I like everything about it.
    The set-up is 1st stanza.  Noticed 6 syllable lines.  Orderly and image.
    I think we need all of line 2 of 2nd stanza if I'm understanding the consummation.
    Last line:  emotional response.  Nice.
    I'm good with 'and' because it is a connection (on many levels.)  
    Good job.

    Sponsored content

    Re: I hope this works

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:50 pm