I hope this works

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I hope this works

Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:12 am

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or a ferris wheel at the county fair

Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Jul 28, 2017 2:13 pm

Todd,  I like this poem.  It is pleasing to the eye and thus overrides an extra word or two.  In a very skinny way I would drop the word "and."  It is unnecessary except to the symmetry and the eye.   If you wanted to go deeper, and by that, I mean carving it to the bone, you could also omit "each other with" in the next line.  The poem has a peaceful sense to it.  Good picture and I like burning dusk.

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Re: I hope this works

Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:20 pm

I didn't read Dennis' comment before I started my own.

That said, the only thing I would do is omit the "and".

The moon needs a poem in this vein.  

So many poems about the moon ...
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Tracking Love

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:04 pm

Moon, yes, please.
burning dusk grabs me.
Such a clean image ...
maybe delete and.
Otherwise enjoy it as it is.
reminds me of those "water-cooler" romances in the office.
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Tracking Love

Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:38 pm

I like everything about it.
The set-up is 1st stanza.  Noticed 6 syllable lines.  Orderly and image.
I think we need all of line 2 of 2nd stanza if I'm understanding the consummation.
Last line:  emotional response.  Nice.
I'm good with 'and' because it is a connection (on many levels.)  
Good job.

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Re: I hope this works

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