The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    My Classroom, Back in Indiana

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    My Classroom, Back in Indiana

    Post  Pat on Fri Jul 28, 2017 5:36 pm

    Long and I need help cutting.  I trust you guys have scissors.  Anything else.  Thank you.
    Hope this comes out as couplets.  

    My Classroom, Back in Indiana
     
    All hallways now resemble that one
    leading to a room with high windows
     
    and high ceilings, rows of desks
    fastened one to another.
     
    Each wooden desktop
    displayed a hole, a black well,
     
    a dark mystery to seventh graders.
    As the new teacher from Arkansas,
     
    I had a slow and friendly drawl,
    different from other teachers.
     
    At first, they made fun of my sound,
    then embraced it.
     
    My students struggled with grammar,
    hairdos, jokes, sweaty bodies, hormones,
     
    but they were fluent in basketball
    and finding mushrooms in the woods.
     
    They trailed into my classroom
    with awkwardness, ponytails, stories.
     
    We studied subjects & verbs and read
    heartaches from Robert Frost,
     
    Ann Franke, William Shakespeare.
    We shared stories that sometimes related
     
    to a lesson. That’s all it took to be blessed
    with a joy none of us understood.
     
    Now when I’m in a long hallway,
    I can hear their rolling laughter,
     
    and lightning words. If a door opens,
    I'm going in.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: My Classroom, Back in Indiana

    Post  Karen on Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:08 pm

    Wowie.  This has lots of potential -- but I agree it needs tightening.

    How about a more specific title?  Can you use the name of the small town where the poem is set?  Maybe Classroom: ________, Indiana.

    I took a stab at trimming the start:

    All hallways now lead to a room
    with high windows and high ceilings,


    Rows of black wells, desks
    fastened one to another.

     
    I love they were fluent in basketball.

    Typo, no "e" in Ann Frank.

    Please keep

    If a door opens,
    I'm going in.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thanks, Karen and Dewell

    Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 3:18 pm

    I want to put the revised poem up.  Thank you, Karen and Dewell.  Helped me take out my scissors.  I know it is TMInformation, overwhelmed myself with it too.  Hard to cut anything I know about these sweet kids.  It is rough and raw here.  New.  : )   Here's where it is right now:  

    My Classroom in Needmore, Indiana
    All hallways now resemble that one
    leading to a room with high windows
     
    and high ceilings, rows of desks
    fastened one to another.
     
    Each wooden desktop
    displayed a hole, a black well,
     
    adding dark mystery
    for seventh grade girls.
     
    Students struggled with grammar,
    hairdos, jokes, pierced ears, hormones.
     
    But not so in basketball.
    No awkwardness, no missteps.
     
    They had what it took on the court:
    legs, opportunity and fluency.
     
    The key to grammar—
    seeing a teacher cheer them onward.
     
    From that point on,
    a joy none of us understood.
     
    When I’m in a long hallway,
    I sometimes can hear their rolling laughter,
     
    and lightning words. If a door opens,

    I’m going in.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Addendum

    Post  Pat on Sun Jul 30, 2017 3:21 pm

    The poem should be all couplets.
    The title is now:  My Classroom in Needmore, Indiana.  (Thanks Karen.)
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: My Classroom, Back in Indiana

    Post  Karen on Sun Jul 30, 2017 3:52 pm

    Needmore.

    The town name couldn't be better!

    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    Only a teacher knows

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:41 pm

    Pat,  Good poem.  I see and hear it as if I were back in school.  The echo in the halls that you almost mentioned.  High ceilings and windows, ah yes, that too. I would offer this snip: omit the  couplet, "from that point on/a joy none of us understood."  That is more telling than showing. 
    Dennis

    Sponsored content

    Re: My Classroom, Back in Indiana

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Oct 19, 2018 10:10 pm