The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


4 posters

    I hope this works

    tsukany
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21
    • Post n°1

    I hope this works Empty I hope this works

    Post  tsukany Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:12 am

    I hope this works Tracking%20LoveI hope this works TrackingLove
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    Dennis 2012
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    Dennis 2012
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    • Post n°2

    I hope this works Empty or a ferris wheel at the county fair

    Post  Dennis 2012 Fri Jul 28, 2017 2:13 pm

    Todd,  I like this poem.  It is pleasing to the eye and thus overrides an extra word or two.  In a very skinny way I would drop the word "and."  It is unnecessary except to the symmetry and the eye.   If you wanted to go deeper, and by that, I mean carving it to the bone, you could also omit "each other with" in the next line.  The poem has a peaceful sense to it.  Good picture and I like burning dusk.
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    Karen
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock
    • Post n°3

    I hope this works Empty Re: I hope this works

    Post  Karen Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:20 pm

    I didn't read Dennis' comment before I started my own.

    That said, the only thing I would do is omit the "and".

    The moon needs a poem in this vein.  

    So many poems about the moon ...
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    Dewell H. Byrd
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR
    • Post n°4

    I hope this works Empty Tracking Love

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:04 pm

    Moon, yes, please.
    burning dusk grabs me.
    Such a clean image ...
    maybe delete and.
    Otherwise enjoy it as it is.
    reminds me of those "water-cooler" romances in the office.
    dewell
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    Pat
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12
    • Post n°5

    I hope this works Empty Tracking Love

    Post  Pat Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:38 pm

    I like everything about it.
    The set-up is 1st stanza.  Noticed 6 syllable lines.  Orderly and image.
    I think we need all of line 2 of 2nd stanza if I'm understanding the consummation.
    Last line:  emotional response.  Nice.
    I'm good with 'and' because it is a connection (on many levels.)  
    Good job.
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    • Post n°6

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