The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Adding to the Mix

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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Adding to the Mix

    Post  tsukany on Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:22 am

    Under a Tree during the Eclipse

    Crescents, like God’s fingernails,
    stack up side by side, spit out across
    the sidewalk, our shoes, the grass.
    Why the strong pull to look up
    up through this darkening hour?
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Adding to the Mix

    Post  Karen on Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:13 pm

    I would change nothing of this poem's meat but I would consider a title change.  The reference is clear today, but as time passes, the reader might expect a poem about the more common lunar eclipse.

    Perhaps a more specific title?  Solar Eclipse Tree?

    I was fortunate to be able to view totality beside a deserted sawmill pond 45 miles from Carbondale, IL.  I'm trying to write about this quote from my traveling companion, Mr. Science:  Eclipses always make me cry.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Under A Tree.....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:33 pm

    I like this, Todd.  I, too, stared at the sun's image
    until someone said, "OH, look at the mottled patterns
    on the ground."  He was a nine year old kid ...
    I think the title is OK at least for the next seven years.
    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Re: Adding to the Mix

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:03 pm

    Love the image of God's fingernails.
    Like the s's   stack, spit, strong, . . . .
    Well done.  I like it, as is.

    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    Under the spreading chestnut tree

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:27 pm

    Todd, you beast, you nailed it again.  If you were critiquing this poem for someone else you would probably say remove one  "up" or at least use a comma after the first.  But I won't.  I think the title is good to go.  Love it.

    Dennis

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    Re: Adding to the Mix

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