Adding to the Mix

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Adding to the Mix

Post  tsukany on Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:22 am

Under a Tree during the Eclipse

Crescents, like God’s fingernails,
stack up side by side, spit out across
the sidewalk, our shoes, the grass.
Why the strong pull to look up
up through this darkening hour?
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Re: Adding to the Mix

Post  Karen on Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:13 pm

I would change nothing of this poem's meat but I would consider a title change.  The reference is clear today, but as time passes, the reader might expect a poem about the more common lunar eclipse.

Perhaps a more specific title?  Solar Eclipse Tree?

I was fortunate to be able to view totality beside a deserted sawmill pond 45 miles from Carbondale, IL.  I'm trying to write about this quote from my traveling companion, Mr. Science:  Eclipses always make me cry.
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Under A Tree.....

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:33 pm

I like this, Todd.  I, too, stared at the sun's image
until someone said, "OH, look at the mottled patterns
on the ground."  He was a nine year old kid ...
I think the title is OK at least for the next seven years.
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Re: Adding to the Mix

Post  Pat on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:03 pm

Love the image of God's fingernails.
Like the s's   stack, spit, strong, . . . .
Well done.  I like it, as is.

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Under the spreading chestnut tree

Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:27 pm

Todd, you beast, you nailed it again.  If you were critiquing this poem for someone else you would probably say remove one  "up" or at least use a comma after the first.  But I won't.  I think the title is good to go.  Love it.

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Re: Adding to the Mix

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