The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    ROOTBOUND.....

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ROOTBOUND.....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:20 pm

    This is a softball.  I'm sure you can help me tighten it up.
    thinking about deleting the last stanza.  As usual I have over-written.

    ROOTBOUND

    Girl, girl, wife of mine
    on bended knee in flower bed
    slips a tiny pansy from its pot
    roots all gnarled, interwoven
    bound in place.

    Gloved fingers delicately rip,
    tear the rootball beyond its
    shroud exposing thirsty roots
    to air, light, water, freedom
    covers softly in a new home.

    The same gentle fingers
    that helped me rip roots
    of 50 city years, dust, noise,
    crowded concrete, gangs,
    clapboard and garish neon.

    She leans back, lifts her head
    to smell the sky, to thank
    the earth's sweet spring
    sprinkles a fence of Miracle
    Grow and Bug-Be-Gone.

    Girl, girl, wife of mine
    take my hand and rise,
    brush dirt from skirt, smile
    a gift of satisfaction.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not sure of the

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:38 pm

    Dewell

    I'm not sure of the dramatic situation of the poem.  I don't sense the conflict.  I feel more connected to the plant than the girl.  Is that the intent?

    Sorry   Todd

    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    Gifted hands bring life

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:08 pm

    Dewell,  My green thumbs are numb this year.  Cutworms did in both of my tomato plants.

    It seems like this maybe the guts of two poems. I like the life that is put into the plant by caring hands.  Even the title pushes me more toward the plant than the girl.  You must think the girl is more of your push here, but I think she is overshadowed.  Work with this one.  Hope this helps a little.

    Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    At the risk of offending,

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:22 pm

    I'd eliminate line 1.  Talk about the transplanting process.  Keep Stanzas 1 and 2.  I think the rest is another poem.  Think about just reporting the process.  Make sure you have the senses.  The pain can come from breaking roots.  i know I hate doing that because it has to hurt, but only if we break roots can there be freedom to grow.  Health to be had is in breaking out.  Rootbound is perfect title for this poem if you cut out the rest of it.
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: ROOTBOUND.....

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:13 am

    Dewell, I think *your* heart in this poem is the girl -- the girl who understands what both plant and man must endure in order to grow.

    If this is the case, you've already identified that you need to tighten.  You might consider a relentless pruning.  Sometimes I skinny poems down to subjects and verbs to start over with an idea I like.

    I know, I know.  That's my fix for everything.  But it might pay off.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ROOTBOUND

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:34 pm

    Note to self:
    Back to the cutting board.
    I know there is a fine poem in there somewhere.
    D.H.B.
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: ROOTBOUND.....

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:45 pm

    I agree.

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