ROOTBOUND.....

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ROOTBOUND.....

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:20 pm

This is a softball.  I'm sure you can help me tighten it up.
thinking about deleting the last stanza.  As usual I have over-written.

ROOTBOUND

Girl, girl, wife of mine
on bended knee in flower bed
slips a tiny pansy from its pot
roots all gnarled, interwoven
bound in place.

Gloved fingers delicately rip,
tear the rootball beyond its
shroud exposing thirsty roots
to air, light, water, freedom
covers softly in a new home.

The same gentle fingers
that helped me rip roots
of 50 city years, dust, noise,
crowded concrete, gangs,
clapboard and garish neon.

She leans back, lifts her head
to smell the sky, to thank
the earth's sweet spring
sprinkles a fence of Miracle
Grow and Bug-Be-Gone.

Girl, girl, wife of mine
take my hand and rise,
brush dirt from skirt, smile
a gift of satisfaction.

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Not sure of the

Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:38 pm

Dewell

I'm not sure of the dramatic situation of the poem.  I don't sense the conflict.  I feel more connected to the plant than the girl.  Is that the intent?

Sorry   Todd
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Gifted hands bring life

Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:08 pm

Dewell,  My green thumbs are numb this year.  Cutworms did in both of my tomato plants.

It seems like this maybe the guts of two poems. I like the life that is put into the plant by caring hands.  Even the title pushes me more toward the plant than the girl.  You must think the girl is more of your push here, but I think she is overshadowed.  Work with this one.  Hope this helps a little.

Dennis

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At the risk of offending,

Post  Pat on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:22 pm

I'd eliminate line 1.  Talk about the transplanting process.  Keep Stanzas 1 and 2.  I think the rest is another poem.  Think about just reporting the process.  Make sure you have the senses.  The pain can come from breaking roots.  i know I hate doing that because it has to hurt, but only if we break roots can there be freedom to grow.  Health to be had is in breaking out.  Rootbound is perfect title for this poem if you cut out the rest of it.

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Re: ROOTBOUND.....

Post  Karen on Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:13 am

Dewell, I think *your* heart in this poem is the girl -- the girl who understands what both plant and man must endure in order to grow.

If this is the case, you've already identified that you need to tighten.  You might consider a relentless pruning.  Sometimes I skinny poems down to subjects and verbs to start over with an idea I like.

I know, I know.  That's my fix for everything.  But it might pay off.
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ROOTBOUND

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:34 pm

Note to self:
Back to the cutting board.
I know there is a fine poem in there somewhere.
D.H.B.

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Re: ROOTBOUND.....

Post  Karen on Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:45 pm

I agree.
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